So so angry and upset

[MillyStar]

I am so so angry I've been crying for about 20 minutes through pure anger

I live at home with my mum and dad and my 6 month old daughter, my ex lived here till 3 months ago when I chucked him out, I got rid of him because he kept getting bladdered from Thursday night till Sunday and I didn't want that around our little girl, me and her have ended up in the spare room with the travel cot so many times because he was so pissed

He's been a shit dad since, to the point where I want to change her surname and regret giving her his name, I took here to see Him last sat and he was still pissed from the night before, the last two times before that he started drinking whilst we were there so i walked out, and I've been to him making the effort every time he's never once got the bus to see her, he's not seen her with no alcohol in his system for over 2 weeks, he was supposed to come last night but cancelled on me during the day - long and short of it he's a piece of shit!

My ex also works with my dad, him and another employee went to the pub tonight where my dad has been this afternoon for a funeral, he came home about an hour ago quite drunk and told me that he's left a tab open for my ex and the other lad and I am FUMING

I can't stop sobbing I can't believe how upset I am

My dad thinks my ex is a wanker, he actually sacked him about a month ago but I met my ex with our daughter and he was a mess and in tears so I got him his job back, I can just imagine him now getting triple neat brandies and laughing at my dad

My dad adores my daughter and he's just done a kind thing whilst he's been merry but I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach - he coulee understand why I'm upset

I've got credit card and pay day loan debts which I got for my ex and I'm paying every spare penny I've got into getting rid of them, so my little girl is missing out on that money becuase of him, he does give me money through my dad every week for her but I told him last week I want some extra now to pay these debts off

I was just watching my baby sleep, she's missing out on her dad and my own dad is paying for his piss up, I know he's not thought about it as I have and when I tell him in the morning how upset I am he will be gutted

My mum thinks I'm being stupid

Mabye I am, I don't even need any advice or anything it just helps to write it all down

[Lottapianos]

Well done getting away from a man who was no good for you and your daughter. You're not stupid at all - there's nothing stupid with feeling however you feel. I'm not surprised you're feeling angry - you're feeling sad and let down and it sounds like you don't have anyone to listen and support you. I'm sorry you're feeling so awful

[cloggs142]

ditto hun. bloody horible situation and ur definatley not being stupid....but sounds like ur doing all the right things for ur little girl. thats the most important thing!! probably a silly question....but any chance of him getting any help? sounds like he drinks a bit too much for it to be casual........my mum went thru this with her partner quite recently. They had a beautiful little girl, and he was pissed outta his head 4 nights a week, and still drank on the others. Now my mums not one to be taken for a fool...she chucked him out, it went bad for around 8 months....and eventually he started improving a bit. he realised that he was missing out on his baby. Hes not perfect now....still goes out too much but its a start. things can get better, and i really hop they do for you.....

[Twingirlsrock]

I wanted to say well done too. I have so much respect for you.

No wonder you feel frustrated, sad and fed up. You're the one who "gets" the situation and has your head screwed on.

Don't worry about your daughter. She has a great mum and will be fine. She's not missing out on such a loser dad.

I was in a very similar situation about 12 years ago so I really know she's not missing out. She has you!

All the best x

[MillyStar]

I really don't care if he gets help or not the way I'm feeling now as evil as it is I don't care what happens to him

I text one of my friends and she has replied as if it's him being out that I'm bothered about! I couldn't give a flying fig, I think his life is empty and I'd rather be in with my baby any day

I think I'm just angry that he doesn't love her more, and tonight my dad is paying for him to take the piss out of her

No one gets it apart from you lot

Thank you

[cloggs142]

course ur gunna feel like that.....i bloody would in ur situation. my partner has done stuff not even a fraction as bad and ive wanted to wring his neck!!! sounds proper patronising, but give urself tonite or even a few days to calm down and sort it out in ur own head once the massive anger has gone. he dusnt sound like he deserves either of u tbh, but u never know what will happen in the future x

[Twingirlsrock]

My ex basically chose to have freedom to go to the pub over being a dad to my daughter. He left at 5 weeks.

I raged at him for 10 years. It's only recently that I can get angry at him only for whatever stupid thing he's done that let's her down and not always bundle in my total rage at the idiotic and shallow decision he made that changed her life.

I made the decision not to lie to her about him as I didn't want her to feel that her daddy only treated her this way and was normal with others. I wanted her to understand that he was an idiot with everyone. I never "ran him down" but I was honest.

It's meant that she loves her dad for the idiot that he is and gets that he is only capable of very little. She doesn't take it personally - which I felt was the really damaging part of what he could have impacted on her.

Your little girls father is losing out. He is losing everything.

Be angry- that's right! Be sad that he isn't better. But your baby girl is going to be fine. You're right not to take any shit. Get your maintenance and whatever else you're owed from him and despise him for being weak.

Then move forward into a lovely future with your girl x

[MillyStar]

Thanks twingirls that's exactly how i want to be, i wont bad mouth him but i want her to know he is like how he is with everyone

How do you word things to her say if he lets her down?

I can imagine it being quite hard!

She wasn't planned at all and when i decided to keep her i knew this would probably happen, at the time i knew we would be ok on our own but i didnt imagine feeling this much guilt to my baby, i feel like its my fault her dad is a shit which i didnt think would bother me but it does.

I feel a bit better this morning, i've not cried or anything since i chucked him out so i think it all came out last night, i'm still so angry about what my dad did though i wouldnt mind if he turned up to see our baby all the time

[Offred]

It's not your guilt, don't take it on. I have a similar situation with my eldest two's father. I have tried to take the same approach as twingirls too. My children are in a lot of pain though, they feel constantly let down by xp because he isn't totally shit, he gives them just enough and never more, he promises and lets them down and he tells them they are special but never shows them he cares. They are only 7 and 6 and I hope they'll get to understand it how twingirls' dd does but they are not there yet, he is holding them back by constantly raising all our hopes and then dashing them virtually straight away.

[tribpot]

Does your dad know about the debt you're carrying for your ex? If not, perhaps that's the conversation you could have - it was generous to leave a bar tab open but if you have money to spend on my tosser of an ex, perhaps you could do me a good turn and clear off some of his debt instead?

Given your ex has wrecked his relationship with his own child over alcohol, this seems like a fairly irresponsible thing for your child's grandfather to have done, but let's assume your dad just didn't think it through.

And btw stop taking your dd to see her father, you're not doing yourself any favours by putting yourself out for this guy. Practice detaching so that when your dad inevitably wants to fire him again you don't intervene.

[MillyStar]

I don't want to tell him about the debt to be honest, I know he will go absolutely mental and get rid of my ex, he gives me £50 a week and said he'd up it to £80 starting today to help with the debts, if he gets sacked he will no doubt sit on his arse for 6 months and I will lose a lot of money, my dad just asks me what he owes me aswell and keeps it out of his wages which is good - if he worked somewhere else he'd be straight in the pub and blowing it all before he saw me so I'd rarely get anything

I won't take her to him again, I've told him I don't want her near him at the weekend when he's full of drink - I've told him he can come here on wednesday till 7pm and make his own way here and own way home.

What shall I do if he cancels for no good reason? His reason last week was his mum was doing him a roast dinner and had good loads of beef out of the freezer WTF!!!! He's 32 by the way and living back in his mums box room!!

Do I just keep giving him the same chance every week and hope he turns up?

[Twingirlsrock]

It was a long road to where we are now - she is now 13. There were many, many times when he would let her down (the last was 3 weeks ago).

At some point I think you have to let go of the guilt of their selfishness. Your little one is only 6 months .... I maybe started to really let go of that guilt when she was about 7 or 8!!! So don't be hard on yourself.

I also had to let go of the basic impulse to make every part of her life totally perfect. That's where a lot of my frustration with him came from; I felt he exposed her to feelings that she was too young to have to come to terms with (crashing disappointment being one of them). I too felt so guilty when it happened that it was my fault as I had bought it into her life. But to be honest, it's just how things are for her and theres nothing i can do about it other to help her realise that he's just an idiot, he was with me too and be a good mum and help to make the other aspects of her life as great as possible.

Many times I have thought that she is having to deal with situations (not "chasing him" being the main one) that I didn't really get on top of until my mid 20s. Sometimes it tore my heart out as it reminded me of l waiting for a crappy boyfriend to ring (at 10). I suppose it's trying to manage those feelings positively somehow so that they make her stronger, not chip away at her esteem. But like I say - has been a long road and along the way there were real lows.

On a practical level - write everything down. Keep a diary. You will need it! So every time he lets her down / is not fit to be around her write it down.

There have been long periods in my daughters life when I forbid contact with her dad. Usually after some incident or other. Then he would threaten to take me to court and I would read him all his stupid errors from my diary and he backed off.

As her mum it is your place to set the rules ie: on time, consistent, no last minute changes, not alone ie: if you don't trust him to care for her competently alone make sure his mum etc is there. If he can't meet those simple standards then I'm sure you will know when the balance tips eg: more hurtful for her to be in contact with him that beneficial.

Don't be pressured by all the "she must have contact" stuff. He should be a positive and at worst benign presence in her life.

Bloody men. What on earth are they thinking.

[pictish]

Awww OP I think it has finally come to head for you, and you are having a good overdue release of emotion. Needed to happen mate.

Yes your ex is a useless piece of crap....but you are not and regarding your lovely little daughter all will be well. It's his loss, the fucking moron.

Big up to you OP xxx