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Should I Stay or Go?

(5 Posts)
shouldistayorgo Thu 18-Oct-12 13:13:25

I posted this question in the Lone Parent section, but was advised that the section does not get much traffic so it is best if I move it to the Relationship section. Here it is ..........

I know that I am the only one that can answer this question, but do I leave my DH or stay.

We have a six year DC together, but I am really thinking of leaving my marriage and taking my DC with me. All the time I am trying to weigh up the pros and cons of what is best for me and my DC.

I really don’t have anyone in RL to discuss this situation with. So I am sorry if this is going to be a lengthy post, but I really do need to get this off my chest.

I really feel that my DH is lazy – he has his own business but only seems to work about three/four hours each day, so not bringing in an enormous wage. I have asked him to work for someone else, as this would bring in more money and also give us more security, but he states that it is too stressful. I then ask him to do things round the house if he has not got a lot of work on such as decorating etc. but his reply is that he can’t do this. Also, if he does start a job like decorating, it never gets finished, which I then decide, it is not worth asking him to even bother doing it in the first place. We have damp issues in the house so I have asked him to organise for someone to come and look at this, but again nothing is done about it. He states that it all costs money, but we have surplus money, but he doesn’t feel that we should be using it on decorating etc. I have said to him that I will ring round and get people to quote, but he always says to leave it to him. As I stated before, he works for himself, so our back garden is like a building site, he never cleans up, and we seem to accumulate other people’s rubbish. Don’t get me started on the untidiness he leaves around the house. There is always some excuse why things can’t be done, which has been going on for five years. So I have now come to the end of my tether with it all - I end up a nagging wife. I don’t want to have people round, as I am too embarrassed with the state of everything. Give him his due; he is very good to me in other ways, and he is very good with our DC, helping with school work, the taking and collecting from school etc.

So the question is would I be happier alone with DC. I am really scared that lone parenting will be extremely tough, especially when my DC is unwell and I am the only carer. Will I run out of energy and get brought down when it is challenging. I really don’t have a lot of friends in RL so I do rely on DH quite a lot; I am scared of being very lonely.

It all keeps coming back to living in a neglected house –v- being single and lonely.

Any help would be much appreciated.

DragonMamma Thu 18-Oct-12 13:38:11

Personally, if you have spoken and spoken to him and you have told him how close you are to leaving him over it but he still continues to act like a spoilt, lazy teenager, I would go.

Speaking from experience, I found being a LP much easier than living with a useless partner - coming home to the house being exactly as I left it, not feeling total resentment to somebody not pulling their weight etc is a very nice feeling.

CheeseandPickledOnion Thu 18-Oct-12 13:41:45

Yes, surely the first question is does he know how you feel? Have you given him an opportunity to change? Does he realise he might lose you if nothing changes?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 18-Oct-12 14:13:49

I think the real problem here is that you seem to defer decisions to him too much and - I think you've worked this one out already - you're overreliant. If there is spare money, presumably that means you're earning most of it? One definition of insanity is to keep repeating the same actions and expecting a different outcome. 'Leave it to me' isn't working. I would stop asking him, therefore, book the workmen, spend your money and at least your neglected house would stop being a source of stress.

As for lonely. Is your DC unwell frequently? Many people make friends with other mothers from school, get in a babysitting circle, join a book club, start going to the gym.... Takes a bit of effort to get out and about but having something regular to look forward to in your diary each week can make a big difference. DH is there doing nothing so you don't even need babysitters.

Once you've fixed up the house, got yourself more of a social life and so on, then you'll feel more confident about tackling your DH

shouldistayorgo Fri 19-Oct-12 19:13:54

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

DM I haven't actually said I am very close to leaving as yet. I hate coming home to untidy house, as that is not how I left it when I went to work.

CAPO as said before he doesn't know I am on the brink of leaving. So he hasn't as yet had the opportunity to change.

CES it is his spare money, not mine. I am reliant on him to organise it as I don't have the funds from my wage. My DC is not unwell frequently (thank goodness).

I want to leave and let him stay in the house with all the defects.

I have to say he is a great dad to DC. Also, he would rather help me shop and other things than get down to the work that is required.

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