new mum at 47, feeling 67, but married to a 35 year old - all too much

[marriedtothecat]

Hello there - this is my first visit to this.. but feeling in need of a virtual shoulder! I have a 12 month DS, (yes, at my age!!!) which is lovely, but exhausting. I've been married to my DH for three years, and he is gorgeous, but I can't help but think he is concerned that I am not the sexy older woman he married anymore... ie I think he is struggling with that. I used to look young for my age, and be lively etc, but now I probably just seem like a grumpy old woman!
I feel so tired all the time I can't give him the attention that I used to. I guess I'm worried that he will be wondering what on earth he has done (this is my second marriage so I guess I'm a bit insecure..)..
Maybe I should be trying to arrange 'quality time' together? But I'd probably just want to check into a hotel and sleep!!
ps I've already got two teenage children, so I know this period will pass. but he has not had children before, so he probably doesn't. Plus, i am finding it so much more tiring this time round..

[CailinDana]

What makes you think he's feeling this way?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

'Can't help but think' ... means you've not talked to him about any of this? He's 35 not 15, and a man that age must surely have realised that things were going to change post baby and he wasn't going to have 100% of your attention. Have a talk to him, discuss between you how you can both support each other, get more sleep, get quality time together etc., and, if he ultimately decides to bugger off because you're no longer the slinky cougar he fell in love with.... his loss.

[ClippedPhoenix]

OP I had my son at your husbands age and I looked and felt the way you describe!

And as CailinDana said, how do you know he feels this way, have you asked him?

He's your husband, surely you can discuss things.

Is he doing enough around the house to help you? Or are you so honoured to have a younger husband that he gets away with murder you treat him like a child

[marriedtothecat]

Thanks to you all.. Good points! And especially about not talking to him! I guess I'm avoiding confrontation, or feel that even if he does say I'm just being silly, I will still wonder if he is being honest! But i will try to have constructive conversation about how we move forwards..

[KristinaM]

Get these two teenagers helping out with the baby and also babysitting if they are old/sensible enough so you can have the odd night out with your Dh

[JennaLemon]

You will feel younger again than you feel now! I remember feeling like a pensioner when I was 36 and had two under three. I lived in a fleece.

You will get through this. It's not all downhill from here on in.

There is nothing as draining as having a young child. Eat well, get your partner to look after the baby while you fit in some exercise, and make sure he meets you half way so you can get some sleep!

Have you had a night away with your girlfriends?

[JennaLemon]

I used to buy myself a punnet of rasberries or blueberries and scoff them secretly. It felt like 'medicine'. Most of it was psychological, but I used to feel vitamins going in! and I also felt like I was doing something positive to look after myself.

[DragonMamma]

This could have been written by my DM. Except we were slightly older when she had her DC (now 4) with my stepdad (there's 25 years between us and I also have another older, sibling).

They were together about 5 years before she fell pregnant (at his request, I may add) and had a great life, meals out, weekends away, lots of boozing, grown up kids who didn't need seeing to and lived their own lives.

Then a very refluxy, miserable, non sleeping child came along, followed by a very clingy, demanding toddler and then endless school runs, parents evening, elderly grandparents (2 have already died) so no babysitting on tap. Oh and no sleep, even to this day.

It's safe to say their marriage is on the rocks and they've already split a few times - they get back and it's good for a while but then it steadily goes downhill again and I don't think it's got much of a course left to run.

Having seen the decline in their relationship is very sad but the reality of it is that at just shy of 50, despite being very active, DM does struggle to cope with the demands of a child at her age and my stepdad (who's only 11 years older than me!) feels a bit cheated, I suppose, that this lively lifestyle they had is no more and they are looking for family friendly pubs, everything planned in advance and holidays in the Carribean are traded for kids clubs in the Med, to try and get a semblance of peace from a naggy child.

I think you need to speak to your DH and tell him how you feel - I know DM is limping through at the moment because she's creeping towards 50 and doesn't fancy a life as a single parent of a young child but they are both miserable and it's horrible seeing her so zapped of life and drained whilst trying to keep up the 'fun' stuff.

[JennaLemon]

Children age you if you're young. Dragon, can you help your mum? or do you have your own young children? must be a little funny having siblings so young that you could feel maternal about them?!

[AThingInYourLife]

"used to buy myself a punnet of rasberries or blueberries and scoff them secretly. "

:o

Keeping your fruit habit under wraps?

I'm 37 and have 3 under 5, youngest 3 months.

I feel about 137.

[JennaLemon]

yes, because i'd have had to SHARE them if i'd eaten them in front of three year old or xh. occasionally you just want to sit down and bloody well eat the whole fekking lot yourself [burp]

[JennaLemon]

that 3 year old is now 10. baby now 7.

Thank goodness children grow older You won't see me crying when they go off to school!

[KristinaM]

Dragon, I'm sorry to hear that your mother is feeling so bad. I am also 50 and my youngest children are 5, 7 and 11. i feel great -i work part time and I'm in excellent health, I run 30km a week and go to the gym . I don't think I'm " limping along", nor do I " struggle to cope" . I'm fitter than many women 20 years younger. Of course I get tired sometimes but so does every mum!

I'm wondering if your mother has an undiagnosed health problem that is making her feel so bad. Of course, an unhappy marriage is very hard and she could be is depressed too. Perhaps she needs to see her doctor -many women of her age have young children and it's not normal to feel like this.

[LaCiccolina]

He might feel a bit put out but I bet no more than any other bloke does at a baby turning up planned or not!

Took mine 6mths to get over the shock and loss of me until he realised we had new patterns and new family life. The adjustment isnt all yours you see, got to give him a bit of time too but dont assume its a bad thing while it all settles down. Its just different. Better in the end. Promise.

[DragonMamma]

Jenna I have 2 dcs of the same age and younger so I am the other mother figure. We share babysitting as much as possible but 3 at 4 and under is hard work for extended periods of time. Obviously she is my babysitter so I get very little time off too and DH's parents aren't local.

kristina she does have diabetes but I think she mourns the loss of the life they should be living. She had kids young, we were in our 20s when she fell pg again so had sniffed freedom whereas I see you had all yours around the same time. She does run her own business and tries to balance her life so that she can be a grandmother as well as a mum. she loves her DC but she has always said she would never recommend it to somebody when the kids have flown the nest - she's effectively reset the clock and both haven't adjusted that well...

[BessieMcBean]

I think you've probably forgotten that you felt exactly as knackered with your first DCs, but didn't feel any pressure to be sexyplaymate at the same time. Remember you've only got one this time not two!

Also you sound a bit martyrish, which with hindisght I was when DCs young, felt as a 'good' mother I should do everything. Now wish I'd looked after me more, it would have been better for everyone in the long run.

Think how you can offload any extra duties, eg cleaner?, babysitters and also get DH fully involved with say bathtimes and bedtimes. And what about asking friends to help out. If they are your age they might love a chance to cuddle baby for an evening. Ask DH to arrange 'quality time' cos you need a break afrom baby occasionally.

As stated above, you should be talking to DH not assuming.

[marriedtothecat]

Gosh, what a response.. This is fabulous. Thank you all. DragonMamma, a cautionary tale.. and how sad for your mum. I hope it has a happy ending. I do think men have rather unrealistic expectations at times!
As for me, will be calling in support, and yes, Bessie, will be less of a martyr too!

[marriedtothecat]

KristinaM - lovely upbeat encouraging post.. I will get out my trainers maybe!

[motherinferior]

Hey, read this at work and have come back to post! I agree with Kristina. I am - gasp - 49 and yes today I am a bit knackered but that's because I've got a bit of a bug, I work full-time, I usually swim a mile three times a week, and my daughters are 11 and nine...I'm certainly not 'creeping towards 50'. (And I look quite nice for a dame of my age too.)

I second the night out with the girls suggestion, and indeed the weekend away getting a bit of a kip

[motherinferior]

And obviously, leave him with his child while you're out too!

[KristinaM]

< high fives mother inferior>