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Has anyone managed to stay good friends and do activities with the kids after divorce?

(9 Posts)
ickywickyyicky Wed 17-Oct-12 11:30:02

That's it really. H has had an affair - more sort of trapped by someone he felt sorry for - but I don't really care about the excuses cos I found out and he still got back in contact when he told me he hadn't heard from her. She kept demanding expensive presents, but the twat bought her what she wanted (even if it was a knock off that cost £18.99 rather than the £300 belly button thing she wanted - he thought that was progress!) Basically he did what she wanted because she told him she had to have counselling for violence, he'd given her a key to his house to escape her "abusive husband" and he thought she might trash the place.

I can't imagine trusting him again - I feel sorry for him as a human being, and he is still in the house (we farm so can't do everything on my own) and we are getting on ok as housemates - I just feel incredibly, incredibly sad that he is such a pathetic idiot and has trashed my hopes and DD's happy family.

OW is a complete tart (judging by her FB page), and gets to keep her normal life by lying like crazy to her husband. She spoke to me on the phone and asked me not to tell her husband, and she would keep away from mine - well she didn't. After she also had the cheek to tell me I was being difficult because I wanted a divorce and her husband might find out she was the reason - I why did I feel I had the right to make things difficult for her. Then says my DH was pursuing her like crazy - but I've got the messages that prove he wasn't - that he went along with everything, but she instigated it. I hate her so much because she told my DH in a letter that it was his choice whether we had another baby, not hers or mine. Crazy how one thing really presses by buttons - and the fact that DH never told her to get her nose out of our business.

I guess I am hoping we can stay friends for DD's sake, and would like to be able to share milestones for her sake, rather than everything having to be separate. I don't know how I would feel though if he got another woman as slutty as the one who he knew from school. Just looking for advice really, as don't know what to do for the best.

daffydowndilly Wed 17-Oct-12 11:50:55

Your post sounds a little like you want to keep your relationship with your H but on your terms only, and put all the blame on the OW. You hate her, she is slutty etc etc. I am not at all saying I haven't tonnes of sympathy for you, what happened was terrible. But he had the affair, he is still in contact with her, and you should hate him not her (and stop looking at her FB page, it is not good for your serenity).

Dahlen Wed 17-Oct-12 11:53:33

It can happen in some cases, but it's unusual and you have to be wary about giving confusing messages to your DD.

However, I think it's too early for you to tell if that's possible in your case yet. You clearly - and completely understandably - have some way to go with processing all this. Your anger against the OW is perfectly normal but completely irrelevant to the question of co-parenting as separated parents. The fact that it occupies so much of your post suggests you still need time to get over the hurt she and your H have caused you and to adjust to life without your H. Until you've done that, you really won't know if you will want to be friends with your H. At the moment you are grieving the loss of your lifestyle as well as your life-partner, and that is probably part of the reason to want to stay friends - to minimise the adjustments you need to make.

Give yourself time and don't make any promises or life-changing decisions at this stage. You'll be fine. smile

Just bear in mind that many people are well-known for being "a soft touch" and many people are pursued by members of the opposite sex who know they are married, but not all succumb. No matter how 'slutty' the OW was, only your H carries the responsibility for his infidelity. Fact is that if he hadn't wanted to be 'led astray' he wouldn't have been.

2rebecca Wed 17-Oct-12 12:40:08

I agree that you seem to be over interested in the OW who really isn't important here. Your husband had an affair. Whether she is nice or nasty, spendthrift or miserly, slutty or clad in a hijab is irrelevent. The future of the relationship between you and your husband is what you need to concentrate on. He wasn't trapped by someone he felt sorry for, unless she chained him up. If he felt trapped it was by his marriage and his desire to have sex with someone else.
Some people continue married after an affair, but it doesn't sound as though either of you have accepted your husband's responsibility for the affair. You both seem to be treating him like a pathetic pet poodle rather than a man.

Decide if you still love him and want to be with him, whether or not you can trust him, whether he wants to be with you, why he had the affair (if he continues to blame the OW the marriage is over).
My ex and I get on well despite the break all being my decision and fault. You can be civil and co-operate and now the kids are older and time has gone by we are more friendly again. We do things together on the kids' birthdays but our current partners don't come along. You need to agree this sort of stuff in advance and have understanding new partners who don't insist on accompanying you everywhere or sulking.
He may take up with a woman you hate who is controlling. There will be nothing you can do about that.

ratbagcatbag Wed 17-Oct-12 12:46:56

Ok - just to answer your question, my DH and me, and his ExP and her Husband get on fine, I was the OW (I know, I know) but his ExP was also seeing the guy she's now married too, so I guess slightly different circumstances for you, as they were genuinly in a house together for the sake of their DS who was four at the time, he's now 14, and we all married with us going to each others weddings, birthday parties are always done jointly with four sets of families, and to be fair I class his ExP as one of my best friends.
We have been away for weekends together and try to balance DSS between both families, however I accept that we are very unique as not many people achieve this and it was helped by both of them moving on at the same time rather than it being one left alone.

My DSS has always hated the fact he can never play one of against the other and it has always been very clear that he has mum and dad and then two other people who love him lots but are in no way replacing his parents.

It is fab if you can do it, but can understand when there is a lot of hurt it can be very difficult.

ickywickyyicky Wed 17-Oct-12 14:10:03

He isn't "in contact" with her now - she basically wants the best of both worlds (him and her husband) - and she is the one who keeps giving orders to me - like I can't divorce him as it would prejudice her marriage - I should be fine with them on their own together - that's why I dislike the woman so much. She has to keep giving her opinion on our marriage and what I should do ...... while keeping making contact to get reassurance that her husband won't find out her desire to renact Fifty Shades of Grey! Or to cry that she is nasty and horrible and hates herself ....... and is scared of her husband being cross with her.

2Rebecca - if a man did to a woman what she did to him - and you believe no means no - then yes it was sexual assault.

He wants to stay but thinks he deserves to go for being so foolish - I want someone I can trust and who has the balls to be honest. I think he is a prat - and I do hold him completely responsible (takes two to tango) - just wish she would fuck off and not tell me what to think! Its not the fact she was the other woman that winds me up, its the way she invades my life - like saying to give my daughter a hug from her. I know its not healthy for me ...... but 2 months on its still hard - the last contact form her was last week.

Ratbagcatbag - I so wish we could be like that. Worth hoping for I guess .... but I guess people will say I am really boring, but the thought of socialising with the kind of women who will shag in the street / flash and put the photo on FB / leave their kids all the time and go get drunk to the point you end up in the gutter isn't the kind of person I'd want looking after my DD. Which was one of my motivations to try and work it out - I wanted to protect her from the kind of people his family are and to some extent the tough area he came from. She's been bullied once, and I don't want her picked on by step-sibs cos she is the complete opposite.

fiventhree Wed 17-Oct-12 14:25:37

Lordy, it seems to me that you are in more of a triangle currently than you are a separated woman.

suzyrut Wed 17-Oct-12 14:27:36

In my experience it is possible to still do things with your ex and kids together but I think being "friends" is a tough ask. I've been seperated from my ex husband for nearly 8 years and we spend christmases, birthdays and even the odd holiday together (this generally includes other family members however). In my experience (and this could easily be different in all circumstances) the key things are:
1. both being over the relationship, this is must if you're trying to estabilish any kind of platonic relationship
2. an endless supply of patience and commitment from you both to making it work...for all those moments when you remember why you divorced them in the first place!
Your situation at the moment sounds a bit volatile to be putting your energies into trying to establish a friendship and unresolved feelings and not both pulling in the same direction will put the kybosh on this before it starts. I do think you deserve a really big cheer for even considering this at the moment when you have so much else going on though and do have faith that this it is possible in time

Good luck!

p.s. another key thing for me has been that I get on exceptionally well with his new partner and she's now a close friend, this is very useful if things start to get difficult as she has brokered the peace when we've not been as adult as we'd like, this doesn't sound likely for you if your ex continues this relationship.

suzyrut Wed 17-Oct-12 14:31:40

sorry just another quick point...you have every right to have concerns about the situation and company that your daughter is in when she's in the care of your ex husband. Mine met his first partner after me in rehab so I know the worries that this can cause! You should definiely consider carefully how you approach letting him have access and time alone with your daughter if you have serious concerns about this woman.

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