Should I be worried about my OH's psychotic ex?

[klapaucius]

She has not been on so much as a single date with anyone else since she split from him 5 years ago. I have heard this from numerous sources including some of closest friends who are mutual friends of mine. They were together for 3 years and split up due to him moving country (his choice, she still thought it could work) in that time he has divulged things such as she has been to therapists to deal with their break up and even tried to "cast spells" on women she knew he saw after her by writing down their names, wrapping them up and burying them... I kid you not, he told me that she confessed this to him over coffee whilst in floods of tears. Out of the blue, he decided that he wanted to add her again as a friend on Facebook last November after all this time which I said I was OK with. After all, I didn't want there to be any sort of animosity or awkwardness and we are all still in the same friendship group. Now for the first time in years she has texted him happy birthday- he did not even know how she obtained his number as he has since changed it after they split. When I first met her, she blanked me upon greeting then proceeded to quite obviously stare at me throughout the entire evening from the next table (we were a large group at a bar). The first thing she asked him was how was he and was he planning on moving back! I wasn't really fine with them chatting and had a knot in my stomach the whole evening, but I tried to let it go. On the second occasion when I said hello she half grimaced/smirked at me- not really sure how to explain it(!) but even OH asked if I was OK after that and friends made comments as to why she was so outwardly rude to me. She and a female friend spent the whole day (it was a friend's birthday garden party) looking at me and whispering behind hands (I kid you not, and they are both nearly 30) and mysteriously popping up near wherever he and I wandered off to at the party. I have now heard she frequently asks about him and I and has even been saying rude things about me to mutual friends! I feel like I cannot be happy with him even though he is so perfect and even though we have both discussed marriage and children I don't feel totally secure because of his psychotic ex casting a "shadow" almost over our relationship. I know I'm pathetic for not being strong and rising above it all and that she would be getting what she wanted by this causing tension between me and my OH but how would you deal with this?

[SheppySheepdog]

It sounds like somebody involved is enjoying the drama. You shouldn't know this much about her life and her yours. You two obviously aren't friends so you and your partner should just avoid her wherever possible and not waste headspace worrying about who is staring at / talking about who when you absolutely have to bump into her. Just enjoy your relationship!

Sometimes people have problems getting over a relationship breakdown, it happens. He isn't keeping her dangling somehow is he? The Facebook and the texting might be giving her a reason to keep contacting him, perhaps she feels due to the nature of their breakup (physical move rather than down to it having just run its course) that there is unfinished business and he might be encouraging this as its getting him attention from you both? I don't mean to imply that he is doing it in purpose but some people seem to inject a bit of history/jealoysy into their relationships for kicks without even realising that's what they are doing.

[izzyizin]

Knowing what he does about his ex, why did he suddenly decide to add her as a friend on FB?

Having, presumably, given her the opportunity to see who he's friends with, why is he surprised she's got his number and why hasn't he defriend her?

[izzyizin]

defriended

[ErikNorseman]

I think 'psychotic' is an excessive and inaccurate term to use about her tbh. You don't describe psychotic or threatening behaviour, just a bit immature and possibly infatuated. But nothing can threaten your relationship unless you or your dp allow it to.

[Pochemuchka]

I agree with Erik about the term 'psychotic' being a bit OTT

IME situations like this are usually caused by the other partner encouraging it somehow (usually telling new partner one thing and ex another, often keeping the ex dangling)
I'm afraid that him suddenly adding her on Facebook seems to support that idea to some extent. If she's as bad as he says, why add her?

An ex of mine used to talk about his 'psychotic, alcoholic, anorexic, mentally unhinged' ex girlfriend (his words, not mine) and she was always rude and whispery about me too.

Turns out he'd been 'supporting her' through emails, texts and even meeting up with her 'because she was having a hard time' apparently she was suicidal
All the while he was giving her hope about 'them' (he used to talk about our problems to her!) and spinning me the yarn about her being 'nuts'.

He did it because he was insecure and when they'd split up he warned her she'd never get on without him and it was a huge mistake (he ended it) and he enjoyed the power over her.

I'm not saying your DP is doing exactly this I'm just warning you that he could be encouraging it in some way. After all, it makes him look desirable if she still wants him after 5 years and keeps the two of you apart so you can't compare notes.

[Redorwhitejusthaveboth]

Do they have a child together? If not then I can't see how it's helpful for anyone for him to have contact with her...apart from feeding his ego... The Facebook add is worrying. What does your partner say about all of this ?

[Punkatheart]

No - not psychotic. You also only have your OH's words about her spells etc and it seems unlikely that if she was so psychotic, he would add her as a friend. That is very odd behaviour - I think that Poche may be spot on.

[ThursdayWillBeTheDay]

There are psychotic exes out there for sure.

You haven't described one.

You sound vaguely obsessed with her tbh. Which is normal given that, despite the fact that she is apparently a madster, your oh has re-added her on FB and she has somehow got hold of his phone number.....

I'd be telling him about how I feel rather than calling the other woman a psycho in your shoes.

Also not sure I understand how there is this much physical contact if you are in different countries to her? Or have I misunderstood that bit? The bit about her asking him when he was "moving back"?

[FfionCompletion]

The first line of your post makes me really uncomfortable. I haven't been on a date in 2 years, since I split from my XH - it doesn't mean I'm obsessed with him or psychotic. I'm just picky, and maybe she is too.

You know an awful lot about her, presumably because your partner has told you. I wonder why he'd do that.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"he told me that she confessed this to him over coffee whilst in floods of tears. Out of the blue, he decided that he wanted to add her again as a friend on Facebook last November"

If she really is the unstable/jealous/stalkerish sort, then what is he doing having coffee with her and adding to FB? Your insecurity is your business, of course, but your boyfriend sounds like he's complicit in keeping her obsession alive. Being in the same group of friends just isn't going to work. If you want a new life with this man, make new friends and give her a wide berth.

[struggling100]

I am a bit worried about you in all this. The fact that you're allowing something so essentially minor to threaten a relationship that you describe as otherwise perfect suggests that you're really insecure about your husband's relationships with other women. Maybe that's worthy of some exploration - both asking yourself why you feel this way (have you had people cheat on you before? Or seen it happen to your parents?) and asking your partner how he sees his relationship with her

It is quite normal for people to remain in touch with their exes, and if there is a shared friendship group then there often isn't much choice in the matter. It's a great thing when people who have calmly decided that they're just not for each other can remain civilized and mutually-supportive friends instead of descending into playground antics of name-calling and hateful actions, which can force families and friendships apart. Yes, there need to be healthy boundaries in such circumstances, but that is a matter of adjustment and time.

Even if her behaviour is as you describe, the best thing you can do is to respond maturely, not to get caught up in the drama as you are doing. If she is infatuated with him, she deserves your pity, not names and stigmatising. But there is a chance that you've misinterpreted the situation - perhaps she feels awkward about the whole thing and doesn't know how to react - in which case, the best course of action would be for you to approach her as a friend and try to make the situation a bit easier for everyone concerned. If you act maturely here, and she does not, I guarantee that people will comment on her childish behaviour and contrast it favourably with your more secure and confident approach - they might not say it to your face, but handling situations like this with grace will win you far more admiration and friends for your classiness than having a pop at her.

[daffydowndilly]

He told me, he asked, I heard... you don't actually know that any of it is true. Sounds a little like your OH has some ishoos. And woo pe doo... he divulged she went to a therapist. There is nothing with going to a therapist, doesn't make us all loons you know.