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Why don't we have sex anymore :(

(16 Posts)
TnBiscuits Sun 14-Oct-12 22:44:18

I've been with my DP nearly 3 years, first year was great, list if attention hugs, kisses, sex etc y'know the honeymoon period. The past 18mnths we've only had sex about 4 timessad it's driving me insane sad of them 4 times let's just say it's been rather err dull, no foreplay, a quick 10mins of a morning and off to the shower he goes sad I'm left feeling totally unloved and used sad

We're not old, he's 43 I'm 36, I've tried mentioning the lack of affection but it falls on deaf ears sad every other aspect of our relationship is great smile he tells me he loves me, we do things as a couple etc and generally we don't argue.

How can I approach the subject with him when he point blank refuses to even discuss it? I'm getting to the point where I think I want to leave him. I dont want to sad but at the same time I don't want to be in a relationship with no sex sad

I'd appreciate some views or opinions please as I'm at a loss.

Oh and no he's not looking at porn on net, not having an affair or anything like that. He's a good honest hard working man smile

Floralnomad Sun 14-Oct-12 22:48:42

Do you try to initiate sex or just leave it up to him ? It sounds like maybe you just need to kick start the whole thing it can be very easy to fall into a habit of not doing it .

TnBiscuits Sun 14-Oct-12 22:57:42

I've tried many many many times he basically asks me what I'm doing? Then moves himself away from me sad ie gets up or rolls over cos he's sleepy. I've tried setting the mood etc but nothing works, I've even tried the opposite and ignored him if you know what I mean and again this makes no difference sad I just want a normal relationship sad heck I'd settle for sex once a month!

He doesn't snog me anymore sad yes he will kiss me but not full on snogs.

Help sad

Feel stupid now as I'm sat here in tears sad

Mum2Fergus Sun 14-Oct-12 23:08:11

Could it be a medical issue? Has he problems getting/maintaining erection eg he's embarrased by it thus avoids situations/s when it would be evident to you?

NoNonsenseNoddy Sun 14-Oct-12 23:09:27

The physical aspect of a relationship can vary immensely between couples. Some will be intimate on a very frequent and regular basis, and others less so..... Which is okay.... As long as both individuals are happy with that.

The fact that your partner is unwilling to even talk about with you rings alarm bells to me. Sexual issues can be a sign of other problems within the relationship, but they don't have to be. My husband and I ended up have sex counselling / therapy through 'Relate' and I can't recommend it enough for couples having problems. Having said that, your partner would need to want to make change as well, which sounds unlikely in your case.

I don't believe a relationship can be sustained if you are not getting want you want out of the relationship, and it may take a lot of courage and strength on your part to accept that. I think your unhappiness could turn into bitterness and resentment if left unresolved. Have you considered normal counselling, just yourself? This could assist you in being sure about what really matters and give you the confidence to communicate more with your partner, and/or insist that he talks about it with you, and/or help you make some tough decisions regarding the future of your relationship?

TnBiscuits Sun 14-Oct-12 23:15:16

To my knowledge everything works fine downstairs or has done.

I've tried a few times to discuss the lack of intimacy, telling him I miss it etc, he just says sorry then changes the subject, leaves the room etc, I've asked ' is it me? Don't you want me love me etc' he says don't dont be silly I love you .. The again changes the subject.

He does work hard, up at 4.30am on weekdays home by 5pm at the latest. So I know he is genuinely tired etc. Even when we went on holiday for 2 weeks we still didn't do it.

scarlettsmummy2 Sun 14-Oct-12 23:19:14

Is he afraid you are going to get pregnant? My husband is obsessed with that as he doesn't want anymore.

TnBiscuits Sun 14-Oct-12 23:19:31

How do I get councelling? Does it cost? Would I need to tell him?

I really don't want to end the relationship cos I really do love him. It wether or not I can live without the intimacy. I don't think I can sad

TnBiscuits Sun 14-Oct-12 23:21:52

We've discussed having kids, he has said if it happens that's great, if not then that's ok too. So no I don't think the pregnancy thing is an issue.

Maybe I just need to sit him down and talk Frank with him.. Make him sit and listen? Or is that wrong?

Flojo1979 Sun 14-Oct-12 23:27:46

I would make a time slot, tell him u need to talk to him and how long etc. And sit him down and tell him exactly how it is for u. And dont let him tell u "dont be silly" etc. Tell him u r not silly and he is wrong to think that and how important it is to feel that physical connect with him as well ad the emotional.

TnBiscuits Sun 14-Oct-12 23:32:06

He's not a talker, well not about feelings and emotions. But I think I'm gonna try. I want our relationship to work.

Feel nervous now.. No idea how I'm going to start the conversation

CarpeNoctem Sun 14-Oct-12 23:58:34

Are you sure it's not an erection issue? I just wondered, as you said each time has been a quick 10 mins in the morning before he has a shower. Men often wake up with erections- maybe this is the only time he's sustaining enough of an erection to have sex? Could be something as simple as tiredness or stress causing it, but probably still worth a visit to the GP.

fiventhree Mon 15-Oct-12 10:45:09

No, he certainly int a talker.

If you marry him as things are, that is how they will stay.

I think you have got to the stage where you tell him that the lack of sex has become a huge issue for you (unsurprisingly) and that you both need to work on sorting it out. You need to know whether he will commit to that, or whether he would agree to go to counseling with you about it.

If he says no, and just leaves the room again, then you know what your future holds. In fact, I would add in my starting words that if he leaves the room, it is telling you that he wont discuss it, and that your needs dont matter.

Clearly this is a sensitives area for a man- however, it does not justify his approach.

Shakey1500 Mon 15-Oct-12 10:51:18

I agree with Flo. You have to tell him that tonight/tomorrow we ARE going out and that you have something Very Important to discuss with him. Then lay it on the line. Tell him that the lack of sex/affection is seriously affecting the relationship from your point of view, and that whilst you would prefer NOT to end the relationship over it, you WILL if things don't improve. You have to let him know it is a serious issue for you.

Labisiffree Mon 15-Oct-12 10:51:59

Agree with the other posters, it seems to me there is an underlying issue of some sort, being buried under the carpet.

Do you really want to be married to a man who won't vaildate your feelings? I was, we split up 4 weeks ago, and I can honestly say the lack of communication from him during our 12 year marriage was the hardest thing.

Good Luck whatever you decide to do.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Oct-12 14:12:11

What would bother me most is the absence of intimacy and affection rather than the absence of sex. Being rejected all the time is soul-destroying. 10 minute, pre-shower sex sounds really unsatisfactory. He's ambivalent about children. Is he enthusiastic about anything in life???? In this context him saying 'I love you' rings very hollow indeed.

Your problem is that you love him and you're tolerating the situation. The relationship sounds like it fizzled out after the first year but you're too convenient to drop.

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