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when you have finally escaped an abusive relationship...

(85 Posts)
cheesestrung Fri 12-Oct-12 18:25:55

how do you move on? how do you get past what he has said to you, the threats, the put downs followed by the begging, the sorry, I love you, i always will blah blah

How do you move on, trust again? not live in fear.

I am finally out, but feel weird as he has gone but the "threat" hasn't iyswim

anyone felt like this before?

He admitted that his ex wife and person he lived with before said EXACTLY the same as what I have and he'll probably do it again :-( psychologically F***s you up

cheesestrung Mon 15-Oct-12 21:28:13

thanks so much. this support is invaluable. I think, what would it be like if we all met in a room lol... let it all out!
Im NOT giving up, i will get through this.. It is bl**dy hard, however.. there are people in worse situations, so really i should count my blessings, despite the crap. I have my health.. my physical health, not mental health at the moment, but that can be worked on....
Im keeping going and i am holding on to the glimmers of happiness i have felt.. the adrenaline is still there.. however it is calming down... life is too short. I have learnt and i am still learning...

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Mon 15-Oct-12 21:37:20

Welll done lovely, you're doing brilliantly xxx

crackcrackcrak Mon 15-Oct-12 22:29:34

Hi op and everyone else. I left my abusive husband in April. The first few weeks were hard and I had either total insomnia or vivid nightmares. After a few weeks dd1 started to settle down and seem much happier and this perked me up and made me feel stronger.
I put a lot of effort in to getting finances etc under control and it made me feel like I was coping - because I was!

Exh is still a total nightmare and worse than ever though. I got an injunction to keep him at bay. God knows what he'd have done by now if I didn't. His 1st wife cut off contact, warned him about contacting her through solicitors and forbade him to contact her son. This makes total sense now. I dread to think what he will do to future partners. He has hot progressively worse in the 3 major relationships he has had now. Because I stood up to him I dread to think how even more abusive and misogynist he will be now [sad. That said I hope for my sake he gets a GF soon or anything that keeps him occupied a bit more sad

JennaLemon Mon 15-Oct-12 23:13:29

I wondered if my x would treat a future partner better, but he said to my mother recently 'I did nothing wrong'. I only feel a tiny bit angry hearing that. Mostly I just feel shock, that a person can have so little self-awareness, and have learnt so little.

HissyByName Tue 16-Oct-12 07:45:09

Genuinely, who gives a flying foccacia if the Ex has the capability of treating a future partner better?*

The fact is that OUR future partner will be everything our last was NOT. We focus on ourselves now, the importance of love, respect, kindness and honesty.

We do the work on US now, we learn to care for US, to respect ourselves, to set OUR boundaries and everyone else around us.

*He doesn't btw. It may 'look' as if he is, for a while, she may even say so, but we know that she is in as much danger as we were. She may be better at 'taking it' than us, but that is nothing to crow about. The problem is with HIM, his insecurities, his need for power. Until he loses that addiction to control, he'll always be like that. With partners, and when they are old enough to have an opinion, with any of his DC too.

Jenna why is your Ex talking to your mother, or why is your mother talking to your ex? Moreover what on flaming earth was she thinking reporting back to you? If she is giving him any quarter at all, you need to consider distancing yourself from HER too. You wouldn't be the first to have your own family support the abusive ex. Anyone that was abusive to my child would not get a second of y time, I'd tear them limb from limb. My own mother said to me that she was worried as I was so angry towards my ex... with a tone that said I wasn't entitled to be so.

I AM, and what's more, a proper mother would have been angry at him too. Not dismissing MY anger. angry

cheesestrung Tue 16-Oct-12 10:34:09

HBN, i totally agree. I havent told my mother about what has happened as i would be wary she would turn it back around onto me. It wasnt my fault he threatened me and refused to leave my house. I asked him calmly to leave and he wouldnt. OK, so Day 4... my head feels a little clearer however it is going in phases where i feel ok and forget about it to it hitting me and not feeling real.. I just have to go with it dont i? what else can I do? im going to docs this morning, to get help in terms of anxiety for a short while alongside going to look after myself a lot more and take it a day at a time.. deep breathes...

JennaLemon Tue 16-Oct-12 10:43:13

Odd that he is making veiled threats about somebody else treating you badly in the future!? as though he were going to be your knight in shining armour now?! having treated you badly himself. He sees you as his chattel. "Mine to treat badly." He'll get annoyed if somebody else treats you badly. WEll, those words would have a bit more weight if he'd treated you well himself. It cuts NO ice with me and don't let it soften your resolve not to see him again.

Don't be too hard on youreslf analysing your part in allowing all of this to happen to you. YES reflection is useful, and the self awareness to understand HOW you ended up in this situation will free you from the risk of it happening again, but for now, don't berate yourself. AT this stage it'd be hard to think about how you ended up tolerating it all without berating yourself I think.

I'm repeating myself here, but be good to yourself, eat well, reconnect with friends, do exercise! do the things he used to sulk when you did! value your freedom. treat yourself to things he would have considered a waste of money!

your son has you as a role model!! man around or no man around. My son said to me a few years ago 'mum you are the only mum who can assemble a wardrobe'. and I was so touched, that that impressed him!

plenty of time for thinking about your lack of self-esteem/confidence and analysing what led you to this relationship. I know the whys and the why mes and the how could hes go round and round in your head though.

JennaLemon Tue 16-Oct-12 10:44:14

be honest with the doctor. tell her you feel threatened and anxious. i'm a firm believer in having this stuff on record.

cheesestrung Tue 16-Oct-12 12:10:19

thanks JL, yes i am going to try to get back to the place before i met him, exercise etc and just learn to relax again.. went to the doc who described this as a potential abusive relationship and said at least i have got out now rather than 5 years down the line... Im sure i will reflect a lot, that is the type of person I am which probably doesnt help if you are prone to depression/anxiety but to be honest i think it is natural after something that has happened that feels quite traumatic to you, even if to others it wouldnt iyswim?
I need to be back to that strong mother i was for my son, not someone who is so stressed and under pressure that i cant give my full attention to him and "be" there... in mind ...
yes the why why why is still there,, i'm hoping in time it was all unravel and i will have a logical explanation... if you dont mind I'll keep posting as it really helps, especially in those low, isolating moments

HissyByName Tue 16-Oct-12 14:05:01

Remember, it's OK to 'feel', grief and sadness are normal, if you need a voice, call WA, the Samaritans etc, Respect even.
You have done everything right, you are not alone, and you will get back to you.

cheesestrung Tue 16-Oct-12 14:47:28

thank you, i am beginning to feel... and it is getting overwhelming.. a sharp pain my my chest. I have never called a helpline trying to just distract myself.. I'll come to terms with it eventually, i hope it doesnt take as long as i feel it will

HissyByName Tue 16-Oct-12 14:56:44

Keep posting, it's essential! It's good practice for re-entering normal life.

Check out the Emotional Abuse support thread on here too, the support there is awesome, and everyone just 'gets' it.

You're doing really well love, you'll be fine. Stick with it (and us)!

HissyByName Tue 16-Oct-12 15:00:53

Use whatever support works. No limits! You need lots of real help, but none of that is your fault. I'm not liking the sharp pain in the chest, indeed talk to the Dr, it's probably just stress, but make sure. You'll be OK, everyone wants to help you!

HissyByName Tue 16-Oct-12 16:03:50

I called WA, to give me the strength to call to book onto the Freedom Programme. Otherwise I had lots of MNers to call on. Typing about stuff is one thing, opening your mouth is another. It was for me anyway.

cheesestrung Wed 17-Oct-12 14:30:22

hello. day 5 and i'm feeling better, its slow but im feeling with each day that goes by, im feeling a little bit more like me and my mind is becoming clearer,does that make sense? has anyone ever felt they have "woken up" and actually looked around what is going on around you? I feel like i was trapped with him ..
The pain in chest is anxiety, ive had it many times before, but its gone today.
Im wondering what he is doing, thinking of the nice times, but i know i cant be with him.I feel im getting more courage to be able to "speak" about it iyswim in real life.. so hopefully i will get the courage perhaps to call a support line.. thanks for being there

HissyByName Wed 17-Oct-12 16:46:05

With the exeception of the chest pains, I can tell you that I felt EXACTLY as you did.

Locking the front door, putting the chain on knowing he was thousands of miles away really helped too!

The Fog, the clearing mind, everything is what I remember feeling. I STILL feel like I'm waking up... But now from the best recurring dream ever, cos every day gets better!

Well done!

cheesestrung Wed 17-Oct-12 22:52:27

thanks HBN.. you still feel like you are waking up now... how much further on are you than me? I know this was a relatively short relationship, however i thinks the effects will last. My confidence is low. No-one knows what happened. For some reason today at work i felt a sense of embarrassment i wonder where that has come from ? maybe because i know what kind of a state i got to? perhaps im being a little paranoid. is this a confidence issue? I do feel like i am returning. i cannot imagine having spent years with this man and feeling trapped there like some do.. i let it go on FAR too long. I was thinking to myself, what if he knocked at my door? and i think my reaction would be to let him in... so strange.. yet i know i NEED to keep away from him

HissyByName Thu 18-Oct-12 07:45:25

My all the good stuff.denied to me by him, by my family, and shown to me by my friends and boyfriend.

I feel like a toddler sometimes, marvelling at the beauty and wonder of normal life, with normal people in it.

I pinch myself a lot!

All this will be yours too love!

Your feelings are the same as those of us who spent years with our abusers.

We all feel embarrassment, but its misplaced. We did nothing to be ashamed of.

Stay strong, you're on the right track!

cheesestrung Thu 18-Oct-12 19:35:35

yes i feel like i need my "escape" aswell it is about time. i live close to mother who does not have a positive effect..
Ive had a "slump" tonight.. feel low.. just sometimes cannot see a way out, im going through the motions of life.. make sense? Im thinking about ex but not so much the good things, its getting me down. i was getting to such a good place before i met him and it is like he has ruined it. i know this is a state of mind, i just cant seem to pull myself out of it :-(

itsthequietones Thu 18-Oct-12 20:11:16

You'll get there Cheese, it's still early days. As other posters have said, do things that make you happy, put on a tv program that will make you laugh, read a funny book, look through the mumsnet classic threads (always works for me).

It's been 15 years or more since I got out of an abusive relationship. I still remember what it felt like though. The best advice I can give is to seek help that will help you to heal now, through Women's Aid, counselling, anything that will support you and give you the tools to work through this.

Don't do what I did and minimise what your ex has done. After years of pushing it all aside I've started counselling and it is frightening how much it has affected my life over the years.

cheesestrung Thu 18-Oct-12 21:08:26

thanks, i think at some point i will pick up the phone and speak to WA, i keep going into denial. im looking at pictures of him and thinking did that really happen? he is smiling and to an outsider you would never think... so confused, when i look at pics i think i love him... when i dont and i am going about my everyday life i dont. strange?

HissyByName Thu 18-Oct-12 21:40:39

Lovely, not that you need to worry about it now, but when you are ready, you will deal with it, and you will learn, you will be ok.

As quietones says, it has to be dealt with, it won't just go away by itself. Your mum is instrumental in this too. You have a long journey ahead, but one that you must take, and one that you really will feel bloody awesome on the other side.

I know of women going into group therapy over 20 years after they got out, because the issues were still there, she'd never dealt with them.

Remember that no matter how hard things get, it IS something you will get through, you have to get through, and by god you'll feel just bloody awesome when you're on the other side!

That's for you too quietones smile you're doing the right thing, and you will so see that it's worth every penny/second!

cheesestrung Fri 19-Oct-12 09:55:45

Ive got through the 1st week, dont really think it has hit me properly yet. This time last week was horrendous, so much emotion, crying from him etc i felt threatened. HBN you are right.. did you have to move away from your parents to find this happiness? I have had glimmers of the happiness, so it is there and in me :-) its more circumstances holding me back... I know ive done the right thing, very hard detaching though

sodthis Fri 19-Oct-12 15:00:23

hey cheesestrung its a week since I called the police on my now ex partner. I feel better away from him, no more crying, yes I miss him well the good part of him but I still feel I don't want him anywhere near me or my kids. I started the freedom programme this week and its really helped to realise actually I wasn't being over sensitive, or over emotional, he was wrong to treat me the way he did , he's the one with the problem. Have you got things planned for the weekend, I find keeping busy really helps me xx

HissyByName Fri 19-Oct-12 19:58:46

My mum lives a couple of villages over, I see her less and less frequently. Her house is on the market, so she's moving hours away. My sister's already moved down there.

I cut my sister out of my life about 6m ago, same for my dad. Just getting rid of them has transformed my life. The only fly in the ointment is Mother, but I know at some point she will go.

She has my son sometimes, so it suits me for now, but when that changes, I'll make no effort to keep in touch.

Mentally neutralising them all in my head has given me so much power. Yes I'm furious still, with them all, but when the last link is broken, I know I'll be alone, but free.

I've met a wonderful man, with similar family issues, and it's great cos he truly understands my situation and supports me in the way I feel. That is worth its weight in gold, let me tell you!

The support on MN is awesome, the FB friends I have as a result are my day to day lifeline.

I'm re-writing my life, the way I want it! :D

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