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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Problems with dp

18 replies

ellathefox · 11/10/2012 12:54

Sorry this might be long but want to try and avoid drip feeding.

On Tuesday night Dp had a bit of a chat with me about how he is sick of his life. He hates his work and feels that he can't afford to do anything else (I'm at university doing nursing). He could go for a different job even if it meant him taking a pay cut. I get a good bursary because it's a nursing course and we would just have to manage. He disagrees with this.

He has our 1yo ds on his two days off through the week (he works weekends and I'm at uni) so he 'doesn't get a break'. Quite frankly this is bullshit. He doesn't start work until late afternoon on a Friday and ds is at nursery all day, same on a Sunday except I take ds to visit my very sick grandpa so he can get a bit of time to himself. He also has at least one night out a week but claims that I moan at him about this. The only thing I do is ask him not to get blitzed if he has ds the next day. I learned very early on that me asking him to stay in/going in a mood with him or anything else didn't work and he was going to do it anyway so now I don't waste my breath.

He says he wants to do what he wants, when he wants without having to worry about what I think or about ds. Also, that I moan too much. I might do but everything in the house is left to me. He literally does nothing. I come into a scene from Kim and Aggy when he's been in all day and I tidy up. Every week for me is uni all day Monday-Wednesday then Thursday I have ds all day and take him to my parents, uni all day Friday then at the weekend I have ds, have to catch up on household things, visit family and catch up on uni work. Bearing in mind that I have a lot of studying to do and essays to write when he goes to bed through the week. My last night out was in May and I can't even remember the last time I had a morning/afternoon to myself.

I've tried to chat with him before but he never listens. Tuesday was the first time he spoke to me and basically just detailed how much of a burden me and ds apparently are. I had no idea he felt like his. In fact his life seems to be pretty great, to me anyway.

Is he right?

OP posts:

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ellathefox · 11/10/2012 12:58

I'm sorry, have no idea how I've posted this twice

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olgaga · 11/10/2012 13:00

No he is not right! It seems to me he wants all the benefits of a relationship and being a dad without the hard work it entails, or giving up his single life.

If I were you I'd start thinking about the pros and cons of continuing to try to make this work. It sounds stressful, and bloody hard work for you.

Was your pregnancy unplanned?

ellathefox · 11/10/2012 13:03

Ds was unplanned but very much wanted my myself and him when we found out. We had only been together a year and a half and didn't live together.

My course is stressful, especially when I'm on placement but I'm doing it to provide a better life for my family so it will be worth it in the long run.

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Mobly · 11/10/2012 13:07

Well ask him what the alternative is? Split up and share custody? Then he'd actually have less time to himself & you'd have more.

NervousAt20 · 11/10/2012 13:07

He is not right at all. I'm sorry but when you say he said that he wants to do what he wants when he wants and not worry about you or DS, sounds to me like he doesn't want a relationship I don't want to sound mean or harsh but just MO, I hope you manage to work something out

ellathefox · 11/10/2012 13:14

I asked him and he said he loves me and doesn't want to split up. He could just be saying that though. Sorry I'm drip feeding.

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olgaga · 11/10/2012 13:24

My course is stressful, especially when I'm on placement but I'm doing it to provide a better life for my family so it will be worth it in the long run.

Yes, exactly. You're working hard for a better life for your family - he's happy to have a family as long as it doesn't interfere with his desire to have fun/slob around like a single man.

I'm sure he does love you - but he doesn't seem to take your work seriously if he thinks you should do the lion's share of the childcare and housekeeping as well as working hard to secure your future.

The fact that he views your expectations of him to take responsibility and do his fair share as a barrier to his happiness says it all really!

exexpat · 11/10/2012 13:33

Would he agree for you both to keep a detailed timetable over a week or two to show exactly what you're both doing all day every day (work, study, childcare, housework, going out, relaxing at home etc) and how much time you are each spending with DS - then work out whether you have a fair and equal amount of free time? Possibly not, as he would almost certainly come out as having far more time to himself than you do...

ellathefox · 11/10/2012 20:24

I don't think he would do that but I could do one myself? That's a really good idea. Thank you for all your comments. So glad I'm not being ridiculous and that the way he is acting is out of order!

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solidgoldbrass · 11/10/2012 20:37

He's trying to convince you that you should be so grateful to Have A Man that you will put up with doing all the domestic work and childcare while he does what he pleases - and you mustn't nag him, because he is The Man Of The House.

Is he, by any chance, whining that you won't let him have sex on you often enough, as well?

I think you should start looking into getting rid of him TBH. Living with a selfish, lazy man is much more draining than being a single parent.

ellathefox · 11/10/2012 20:45

Yes to the sex thing, he always moans we don't have enough. It's at least twice a week. I think that's alright considering I'm knackered all the time and he works at night 3 nights of the week so I'm always in bed before he gets home at half 12.

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crackedheels · 12/10/2012 00:36

I second what solidgold said that living with a selfish, lazy man is more draining than being a single parent.

I don't really have any advice to offer you but I just wanted to post to say that you can do this alone, I started a nursing course when my DD was 3.5 years and DS 1 year. I was a single parent then and ExP had the kids for 3 days me 4. now 2.5 years after qualifying we still share care which means I can work when kids are with him and 1 early shift (7am-2pm) when I have them (for which my mum does school drop off). This works well as I get the time with kids plus a little break 2 days a week when they are at school.

Don't give up!

solidgoldbrass · 12/10/2012 10:25

Honestly, think hard about getting rid of him. Because he really, deeply, fundamentally believes that women are inferior to men and exist for men's benefit, so doing all the housework and being available for him to stick his dick in is what you are 'for'. As far as he's concerned, you're not a person at all, you're a kind of cross between a pet and a dishwasher, and all this stropping and moaning is his way of 'training' you to understand that this is your role in life.

It is pretty much impossible to make woman-hating men like this understand how full of shit they are, so the only option to improve your life and that of your children is to get the man out of the house (or move out with the children if that's easier and more appropriate for you).

olgaga · 12/10/2012 10:39

Agree with you, sgb. Honestly ella, he sounds like a millstone around your neck. You have your life ahead of you, and you need to think carefully. How long, in reality, do you think you can put up with this?

He won't change.

cestlavielife · 12/10/2012 10:49

"he wants to do what he wants, when he wants without having to worry about what I think or about ds"
right.
then the only option is for him to leave and just do that .

ellathefox · 13/10/2012 15:11

Thank you for all the replies. I tried talking to him about everything but, now that he's in a better mood, he's denying there's a problem and looked shocked when I suggested splitting up. It's so confusing, I don't think he means to fuck with my head, I think it's just a case of he says things in anger/frustration that he doesn't really mean. Or else he does mean it and the truth comes out when he's pissed off

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mantlepiece · 13/10/2012 16:32

are you now thinking do I want to be in this relationship?

You should be, it should not be all about what he wants.

Maybe you should use this situation to sit him down and say, there needs to be some changes made because you are not happy either.

In other words shape up or ship out!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/10/2012 16:48

ella,

What do you get from this relationship now?. What keeps you within this?. Your child primarily?.

He does not want to split up because he gets what he wants from the relationship i.e a sap like you to do all the donkey work for him whilst he gallavants around quite happily.

Selfish, entitled men do not change; infact they become worse as time passes.

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