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i haven't got the energy .. just totally fed up.

(19 Posts)
Fairylea Sun 07-Oct-12 07:35:53

I need to get this off my chest.

I have dd 9 yrs old and ds 4 months. Dh and I just keep arguing all the fucking time lately and I'm worn out.

Last nights one was because he tried to put ds down to bed but ds was getting very upset (something unusual as he never normally cries at all) so I went up to see if there was anything I could do and to find out whats wrong and he said he feels I am undermining him. I picked ds up myself and as I did he let out a massive burp so that's probably what was wrong. Or it could be that he's just used to me putting him to bed.

With hindsight I should have let dh deal with it but it's really hard to be sat downstairs hearing your baby cry and not want to go to them sad even if you know your dh is with them. He is a very caring loving father but I just feel if I go and cuddle ds he would fall asleep - which he did. However I feel I am making a rod for my own back.

So we had a row when the children were in bed. He feels I don't trust him as a parent. Dd is mine from a previous relationship by the way.

I think a lot of it is that ds is waking up once a night and early in the morning so I am very tired and going to bed every night at 9 or 10 ish. We have no time together and time we do get I just want to read or go on here as its relaxing and I have no time to myself as it is. Dh feels I put him bottom of the list and perhaps that's true a bit but I'm shattered !!!

He would help in the night but ds doesn't settle as well for him and I don't have the heart to leave them to it. Sometimes we do take turns at lie ins on the weekend but to be honest I find it hard to sleep late anyway so I always get up with ds.

We have had sex a few times since ds but I really don't have the energy or inclination.

I realise dh is getting more and more annoyed with me but I feel under pressure to talk and chat every night and whatever else and I just don't want to ... I'm fucking knackered I just want everyone to leave me alone !!!

Fairylea Sun 07-Oct-12 07:39:34

Sorry to drip feed. We have no baby sitters. My mum is an alcoholic with 3 unruly dogs and my dhs mum lives a long way away. Neither of us would trust a babysitter from an agency.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Oct-12 08:01:29

When everyone's tired and tempers are frayed, little annoyances turn into major grievances. I think you have to give DH a chance at settling your baby or this particular source of resentment isn't going to go away. Maybe explain -in the cool light of day and not when the baby is crying his head off - the things you've noticed help him settle e.g. being better winded, and tell your DH how anxious it makes you feel when the baby cries. I remember when DS was tiny that even hearing a random baby crying on the TV would make me a little anxious... I think it's part and parcel of new motherhood and perhaps DH doesn't appreciate that.

Have you tried napping when your baby naps? Sometimes getting an hour or two during the day can be the difference between being ratty and feeling normal.

thetrackisback Sun 07-Oct-12 08:13:14

You need some sleep. Get your dh to go out with the baby and dd so you can't hear them. I promise you four hours of extra sleep will make you feel so much better. 4 months is the crisis point because you've both gone without sleep for so long. It will get better honest. When you are not so tired try and talk to dh. Tell he 's a wonderful husband and you don't mean to interfere and then look at ways you both can get sleep.

Fairylea Sun 07-Oct-12 08:21:11

Thanks. I tried talking to dh last night andeexplained how I put ds to bed. I said to him I don't think I'm better at him at it but obviously I'm doing it everyday as he works long hours so I have developed a way of doing it. He seemed really annoyed like I was saying he was a crap dad which I wasn't.

He has had a shit week at work this week and got a disciplinary because he was basically not being a manager and they said he wasn't telling people what to do effectively. It's a long story but sometimes I think he's so keen for people to like him he bends over too far and ends up hurting himself.

I know he's stressed out but in some ways his life hasn't changed much. He still sleeps every night. He hasn't got to deal with a baby all day or feel trapped in the house because even the smallest shopping trip is just a complete pain in the arse. It's not like I can wander round the shops like I used to. Everything is hard work and I'm fed up with it all.

I keep hoping ds is going to start sleeping through or longer but he doesn't. And that's hard for me as dd always slept well from very very early on. I feel too old (at 32 !!) To deal with all this. And yet I know I'm not old but that's how I feel.

I just want to sod off and leave them all to it but take ds and dd with me at the same time (doesn't make sense I know)!

And yes you are so right about hearing a baby cry being upsetting... I can't cope with it at all. Sends my anxiety through the roof especially as ds hardly ever cries with me. I had bad pnd with dd and struggled to bond with her as baby but it's a very natural bond with ds and that makes me want to enjoy him all the more as he will probably be my last baby.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Oct-12 08:33:10

Don't downplay the disciplinary. He's probably worried about getting the sack and, if he's the only wage-earner, that's a really scary prospect. Try not to get into 'I'm more miserable than you' situation, in other words. You're tired, he's worried.... everyone needs support.

Fairylea Sun 07-Oct-12 08:40:59

True. I am on mat leave at the moment though so we have some of my money and we only have a small mortgage with payment protection so it wouldn't be the end of everything financially if he did lose his job.... pride and dignity wise I know he would be devastated though.

I guess the thing is that to support me I wish he'd just leave me to it. But he doesn't understand my need to be alone. And it is a frequent need. I sit there sometimes at 10 at night wishing I'd gone to bed an hour ago but seething because I've sat up tying to make him happy and wanted etc and I'm just fed up with worrying about others all the time.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Oct-12 08:49:50

So tell him you need to go to bed earlier sometimes rather than sitting up with him every night and talk to him about the disciplinary and how he feels about it.
What I'm seeing here are two people who fundamentally want to do the best for their baby and support each other but who have various stresses messing things up and are failing to communicate what that support should look like.

Start a conversation .... 'What you could do that would help me most is.....' and encourage him to do the same.

Fairylea Sun 07-Oct-12 09:00:03

The thing is I could go to bed every night at 9 and still feel exhausted. I feel like if I was a single parent again I could just please myself and do whatever I like rather than trying to please someone else. It's like a constant pressure even though he says I assume to know how he feels before he even says anything. And apparently I am rude and snappy. I don't realise I am.

I just have no patience anymore at all.

I don't feel the need for affection or closeness at all. I know how sad that sounds but it's like I just don't have room in my life for my marriage. It's just another to-do list thing. And I never wanted to feel that way. I feel horrible even saying it.

BobblyOrangeGoldGussets Sun 07-Oct-12 09:15:27

Please nap during the day. If you baby has a one or two hour nap, you have a one or two hour nap.

I always used to do this and it save my sanity and probably my marriage. remember, this shall pass.

Fairylea Sun 07-Oct-12 09:22:31

Thanks but ds sleeps for one hour literally the whole day and I have to use that hour to clean the house or do washing or whatever as the house will be a tip otherwise. He has never ever been a napper despite white noise rocking not rocking sling Moses basket cot whatever else. Nothing works.

Thanks. I know I'm being very negative to suggestions. I really don't mean to I just can't see a way to improve things until ds sleeps through. I feel like life is on hold and I'm living someone elses life.

DameEnidsOrange Sun 07-Oct-12 09:24:09

Excellent posts by Cogito.

colditz Sun 07-Oct-12 09:30:54

Your dd is nine, there's no reason why she can't sit and play with the baby while you quickly put washing on and wipe the sides Dow, and that is all you need to do daily.

I think you need to go out one evening a week and leave them all to muddle along. A preference for you isn't something your baby should be indulged in, he has a father and his father should have the chance to be one
X

Lovestosing Sun 07-Oct-12 09:46:40

All babies are different, it could take months and months for him to sleep through, my three did it at different times. Luckily as DS who is the eldest didn't sleep through till 13 months I had no expectations of DD1 doing it early and she slept through from 12 weeks. This I find will make it worse for you if you're thinking he should be sleeping through by now you will feel more resentful and negative about everything. He's only 4 months. It will get better but as someone else said when your DD is home from school take half an hour to have a quick clean up then you can rest more
During the day. Two of mine catnapped until they were older so I know it can be hard but it's still possible to get some rest. Good luck.

sookiesookie Sun 07-Oct-12 13:05:42

You need sleep. You are really negative.
Do you want to be married? Because its coming across as though you don't.
Your dp seems to want to help, so take it. Don't exclude him from baby. That could cause resentment that may not go away.

Fairylea Sun 07-Oct-12 14:28:16

I just feel everything is too much hassle and I really miss having time to myself like before ds came along. There's a massive age gap between dd and ds so I'd forgotten what having a baby was like and dd goes to her dad's every other weekend so as much as I love her I always had free time and endless lie ins. I know I'm being ridiculous and I love ds but its all so relentless and such a massive shock. I feel like I'm living in a fog. Part of me thinks if I was a single parent again then I'd get a proper break from ds rather than odd snatched hours while dh has him.

We are still not really talking so far today. I've tried to take a back seat and let him deal with ds. He said he was going for a walk and just seemed to assume he could leave ds with me and I told him he could take him with him. He seemed a bit annoyed with me but I just think why can he just decide to go for a child free walk whenever the fuck he likes when my whole week is spent shackled to ds. I might go for a walk myself later on.

I don't know what I want. I want some proper sleep. Not just a nap. Not someone seeing to ds for one night or having a lie in. I want to sleep every night again. I'm utterly fed up with it. Even though I do realise ds sleeps well really so actually I am generally getting 3-4 andthen another 2 hours sleep after I've fed him. But it's broken sleep.

The work thing with dh is difficult because although I feel sorry for him this is the third job hes had in a year and he always seems to think he's being picked on and end s up either sacked or walks out. When I talk things through with him it doesn't sound to me like he is being picked on at all. He is just very sensitive to things people say. This latest thing was because he got the train into work with two colleagues and the others got on the wrong train so he went along with them and they were all late and rather than be honest about it or tell them off he actually lied to his boss and said the trainwas cancelled !!! They checked up and found he was lying. Why didn't he use his initiative and make sure they got on the right one ? He said he realised it was probably the wrong one but the others wanted to miss some of the day so he went along with it !!!

I also feel angry we argue so much. It's one thing after another.

sookiesookie Sun 07-Oct-12 14:53:08

Honestly your first paragraph could have been me a year ago. I have 2 kids dd nearly 9 and ds who is 19 months. The age gap was really difficult. It was like starting again, bit harder because you have another to consider. One that's older and wants to do things that's not really baby friendly sometimes. dd goes away with my mum to mums caravan alot in summer. I got used to whole weekends just me and dh, laying chilling out. I get it, it was so hard

Honestly, you don't want to be a single parent again and you know you don't. Its fucking hard and since you won't even key your dh do anything now, would you let him Take your baby somewhere else overnight? I don't think you would. You know being a lone parent is hard. It would be harder with 2. You have a partner let him support you.

With a small baby, small breaks are all you get usually. I promise its easier now that as is a bit older and sleeps and dd is a great distraction for him. I can leave then in the living room while I tidy or nip for a shower etc.

Sleeping every night, is not on the cards right now, sorry. But its not. but it will be soon.

Of course dh didn't think he was taking ds. You don't let him do anything.

You really need to sort yourself out, perhaps have a night away in a travel lodge or something. Because you don't seem happy with anything. You say he has tried to help and you don't let him, then complain about everything you do.

You seem to want it all ways and you can't.

for a few weeks I almost regretted having ds and it kills me to admit it. But I couldn't be without him. He is wonderful and sleeps.

I think you need to call a truce.

Just to add, dh bought a restaurant the day I went into labour. I worked there on my mat leave so I have been in a very similar situation.
2 kids big age gap, one is a baby, dh working alot and stressed out by it etc.

I do understand. I don't want you to think I an blaming you or having a go, just advice.

Way2Go Sun 07-Oct-12 14:59:17

How about a check up at the Doctors, maybe you are anaemic or something. Your DS is not a bad sleeper but all babies are extremely tiring.

I know this sounds a bit counter-initiative but have you tried making more of a fuss of your DH. I know it sounds like a dumb idea but he might well be feeling quite depressed himself . I am sure when he comes in from work it is the time of day when you are feeling particularly tired but if you can bring yourself to be as welcoming as possible it might set up a better atmosphere for the rest ofthe evening.
YES, I know this seems silly but it can help change the whole atmosphere in the house which will the help the OP feel more positive. I know it may also feel like you are pandering to his needs rather than yours but in the long run it should help everyone.
I do think it is normal to be a bit fed up and tired when you have a little baby even though they are adorable but it doesn't last for long and I am sure hope he will be sleeping through soon enough

I understand that this is possibly a strange way to approach your problem and only you would know if it is the type of thing that may help.

sookiesookie Sun 07-Oct-12 15:04:28

Oh as for babysitting, mum and dad can't cope with ds as mum is now ill. But we have a babysitter from the local nursery.

I save a pound or two a week and then book her and we go out. Even if its for a drink, a walk anything.

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