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Abusive ex husband now Community Chaplain

(18 Posts)
LiddyBe Thu 04-Oct-12 17:43:32

I can not believe this.

His daughter is on 2 prozacs a day after seeing him 2 years ago. Is having to give up her University studies and is severely depressed. I have helped her change her phone number due to his inappropriate text messages.

Does the church not check the background when selecting people?

Did they not ask about his children, where they were, what they were doing?

He was emotionally abusive, controlling and drew pictures of transvestites. I was told get out the marriage or you will be constantly depressed. 18 months to get him to sign the divorce papers. 3 months to get him out of the house after the divorce; eventually I took my daughter on holiday to avoid another Christmas and changed the locks thinking when I return there will be a new start for myself and daughter. I owned the house outright. He got back in by showing a locksmith a letter with his name on it and changed the locks. I returned from holiday after driving 180 miles at 10 30 pm at night to discover all this.

So much more I could say. Who wants to know and who would listen?

3 months after he left the house, he sent a letter to my closest friend accusing her of influencing me to divorce him and insisting that she never contacted me again. He closed the letter by saying he had people to save.

Whitecherry Thu 04-Oct-12 17:46:22

Well that's not nice but abusive? He's not been convicted of anything?

And assume he passed a crb check

Chopstheduck Thu 04-Oct-12 17:47:30

Did you ever contact the police? If not, how would they know?

My exh was abusive. He also worked as a care worker with elderly people. There were some allegations of abuse by him which he managed to wriggle out of, then a few years later something did stick to him and he was fired.

I was surprised, but it wasn't my responsibility to go round warning everybody netiher. He is the only one that has responsibility for his actions. I think you should keep well out of it if possible, and leave him to tie his own noose.

Hopeforever Thu 04-Oct-12 17:49:13

I can only begin to understand your pain, so sorry your have had all this reminder again

I don't think that what you have posted in here is the best way forward as he may well be recognisable from your description and so might you.

I don't know what denomination he is, but I strongly advise you to contact the authorities of his denomination with your concerns. If he is Church of England then the bishop will have given the licence

All posts need a CRB so if you haven't reported him, you need to

PM me if you want to

Chopstheduck Thu 04-Oct-12 17:50:53

Hopeforever, that might be the good thing to do, but having experienced an abusive relationship myself, I'm not sure your advice is in the best interests of the OP, who has left the relationship and should not now have responsibility for her exh.

Whitecherry Thu 04-Oct-12 17:52:19

I also fail to see the problem with him drawing pictures of transvestites? They are just people...

Hopeforever Thu 04-Oct-12 17:55:05

Chopstheduck, I agree it shouldn't be her responsiblity.

springyhope Thu 04-Oct-12 18:05:44

My abusive ex was a christian and everyone thought the world of him, so I understand some of your pain. I don't know what you can do or how appropriate it is to do anything? I tried to speak to various pastors about my husband but as far as I'm aware it didn't go anywhere - I just looked like the nutcase exW because he had all that charm off to a fine art (his personna, or the persona he chose to project, was 'sweet and humble', kind of bumbling but desperately kind <vom>)

Are you a believer? I prayed on my face and he got his comeuppance. It was extremely unpleasant and I'm not saying God was behind it at all but the bottom line is that he can no longer a threat to me or anyone. It took a long, long time but it came in the end. Bit dramatic, admittedly, when you want something now to get him away from people who will rely on him and expect him to have integrity. Is there a priest/vicar/pastor you can talk to? Were there any court cases/police inquiries/prosecutions along the way?

FairPhyllis Thu 04-Oct-12 18:55:38

Is he CofE affiliated? Has he actually been ordained a priest or deacon or is he a lay chaplain?

If he has been ordained or is an accredited lay minister in the CofE then, from what you say, I would say that there would be reasonable concerns about his fitness for ministry and I would advise you to contact the bishop's office for the diocese he works in.

If you go forward for selection for ordination in the CofE, the process is rigorous and you are questioned about your past relationship history and family relationships to check that you are able to form healthy personal relationships. I know less about the process for becoming an accredited lay minister.

Would you be able to say what denomination he is or what position he has?

LiddyBe Thu 04-Oct-12 20:37:57

Thank you for your comments helps me to hear different views. I know what it is like to be on the receiving end of his emotional bombardment. I know he is responsible for his actions. To see my daughter suffering so much is so painful to watch. He is CofE. He also plays the role of a "sweet and humble" Christian. I too feel like the nutcase exWife. Maybe I just let it be so, let him get on with his act and concentrate on helping my daughter to get well.

peppapigpants Thu 04-Oct-12 21:02:05

My abusive ex is a school governor and prison visitor. He, like yours, has a clean CRB check.

Doesn't mean he's not a dickhead though.

AnastasiaSteele Thu 04-Oct-12 21:05:21

Don't these type love to play at Upstanding Citizen? Do they think it negates the other stunts they pull, or act as a Teflon coating so no one could believe their true persona?

It must be frustrating building your life back up while he's alright.

Try not to let it eat you up and concentrate on you and DD.

springyhope Thu 04-Oct-12 23:17:22

Please take FairPhyllis' advice OP re: I would advise you to contact the bishop's office for the diocese he works in. my ex wasn't in the ministry so there was probably no formal vehicle for his behaviour to be addressed. it's different if someone is in a ministry position, not just the principle but people will be exposed to him, in a way they weren't with my ex.

FairPhyllis Fri 05-Oct-12 00:05:32

I think the point about him not being your responsibility is a valid one. But on the other hand if you do think that he will be in contact with vulnerable groups then you need to weigh up the personal costs of raising concerns against any harm you think he could do in his position.

My guess would be that he has not been ordained, as I think the selection process would have picked up on his daughter being estranged from him. It's difficult to know what his role is from the title "community chaplain" - he could be part of some informal local umbrella chaplaincy supported by several different denominations, in which case I don't think he would have had to go through the accredited lay ministry selection.

achillea Fri 05-Oct-12 00:12:53

Get as much evidence as you can. Start a folder entitled ' things I would have liked to know about this man before I put my trust in him'. Then find a safe place to hide and put a copy in the post to all those that trust him now.

LiddyBe Fri 05-Oct-12 23:36:06

He is involved with more than just 'a local umbrella Chaplaincy'. Trust, that word is making me think. There would be a very thick folder of what I would have liked to have known. All reasonable and realistic. I want to leave all this as a memory in the past. Then I see my daughter's struggle and suffering. Seeing her with her doctor crying, asking for counselling and myself being added to her notes as a Carer. She's been advised to go to a women's centre for counselling as that may be soon as the NHS waiting list is 2 months. Knowing what I went through during the marriage. and now although I managed to get divorced. As a Mum I care about my daughter and want her well.

achillea Sat 06-Oct-12 07:23:32

I forgot to add, send a copy to the police as well. This may prevent the same thing happening to other people's daughters.
Perhaps you should ask your daughter what she thinks about the idea, it may give he some sense of catharsis. If she doesn't want it she could also tell you. It might empower her in some way.

mummytime Sat 06-Oct-12 07:29:39

Please inform the diocese, maybe even cc the archbishop especially if Sussex. Not everything shows up onCRB. It might even empower your daughter.

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