Torn about (trying) having another baby. Sorry it's long

[butterflyroom]

Hi,
Just looking for thoughts and advice - hope not to offend anyone but this is my situation and my thoughts. I'd really appreciate any advice.

A bit of background - I got married 6 years ago and now have DS. My marriage fell apart when my husband cheated with a work colleague. He had a child with her but has never seen this child as they broke up acrimoniously. He now lives nearby with a different woman who had three of her own children. He sees DS once or twice a week but I am DS primary carer and he lives with me. The whole situation is calm and we are on good terms as I have worked hard from day one on this for the sake of DS

I never thought I'd have another child. DS was horrendous birth - emergency c section leading to a spell of PND. So another child was never on the cards. I've now been in a new relationaship for the past two years and DP has lived with me and my DS for the last year. He adores DS and treats him as his own. The relationship is pretty good although things aren't perfect. Mainly due to money or the lack of it. Over the past few months I've been feeling really broody and my DP and I have decided to make a final decision whether to try for a baby by Christmas time. I'll be 38 in March and DS will be 5 so I don't want to leave it any longer. It's then or never I think. Anyway, I keep going through a mental list of pros and cons...

The pros in my mind and experience are a sibling for my DS, a stong urge to have another baby, the fear of regret of not extending the family.

My reservations include the fear of upsetting the apple cart. We are pretty happy as we are and just about managing financially. We really would struggle to find the money for additional childcare and we both would have to continue working full time with me being the breadwinner. I felt so guilty having to work full time with DS. I would have to do this again and not sure how I would feel about it. Another fear is that my son won't cope with having to 'share' me. I'm scared of missing out on enriching our family with a baby but this is counterbalanced with the fear of regretting having another baby and the way having a baby would stretch our family with time and money.

My biggest fear stems from the fact that one of my ExH reasons for leaving was that he claimed family life wasn't what he expected. I would be broken if that were to happen again with my DP but I guess that's my issue caused by the damage and heartache caused by my marriage break up.

I'm so confused....

[aufaniae]

I think your fears about your DP running due to the realities of family life are probably more based on your past than reality (although I don't know him of course!)

But it seems to me, you and your ex had a life before family life, which changed, and he couldn't handle it tosser (sorry, couldn't help myself!)

However with your DP, he has joined you in your family life. He is living that life already with you. It's not exactly going to be a massive shock is it? Of course newborns are demanding in a whole new way, but it's not as if his whole life will be turned upside down - he's already living within the rhythms of family life.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

There's a lot more regret in the world relating to not having babies than there is about having them.

[aufaniae]

I can't say what's right for you. But I'm pregnant atm (DP and I will be 38 when the baby arrives, DS will be 4.4) and I can tell you some of the reasons having another child is important to us.

I have a sister. While we're not particularly close, she understands my view of the world - and the weird ways of our parents (all parents are weird in one way or another ) like no one else does. I'm pleased that DS will have a sibling to play with, and have a shared sense fo family with. I'm pleased that he'll have someone to share the burden of looking after DP and I when we get old. I am finding it helpful to be able to talk stuff over with my sister as our parents are getting on. It's lovely for DS to have aunties (my sister and SIL). I think it's healthy to have another sibling around and not have the attention on you 100% of the time. I'd like to be a grandparent one day and there's more chance of it if we have more children!

FWIW, I was terribly jealous when my sister was born (apparently). I have no recollection of the jealousy bit, but it's irrelevant to me now - that first bit was only one tiny bit of our relationship a sibling is for life, after all :) I'm so glad she's here, it wouldn't be the same without her :)

Might be worth mentioning, we're totally, completely skint atm, but I know we'll find a way, we always do!

Have you considered taking a mortgage holiday for the maternity bit (many providers offer this)? It helped us out loads last time.

[crazyhead]

How tight exactly are your finances? Are there things you could do to improve them? (eg could you or your partner get a higher paid job, or could you downsize or save in any way?). I think there's a difference between a belt-tightening situation and one where you'll simply be up shit creek financially because there is no give.

Most importantly, how does your DP feel about having a baby? Sounds like a situation where his commitment and enthusiasm will be really important. He has already proved to be a reliable parent though, as aufaniae says.

I suspect your DS will adapt, there will be both potential pluses and minuses over his life in having a sibling that you can't judge in advance, so I would do it or not do it for you and not him really. Also, re the birth remember you'll be able to plan it, for instance requesting an elective C-section if you'd prefer.

If it was me I'd probably do it, because I'd rather live with the regret of having done things than NOT done them, but that's personal - I guess it depends on who you are in your heart. Good luck xx

[butterflyroom]

Thanks so much for replies!:)

When DS was born I thought what on earth have I done? It hit me like a ton of bricks. Most the time when he was a tiny baby is a blur to me and that in itself is very upsetting. I think that's due to the horrendous birth and PND. Then the ExH left. The thought of that potentially happening again is frightening but I know that's my issue.

However....I think if someone came up to me and said 'I'm going to click my fingers and you have to say yes or no to a baby' instinctually I'd say yes. I'm an over thinker and over analyser for sure.

[butterflyroom]

So much good advice and thank you for the kind and helpful posts......