Was this rape?

[Namechange0477]

I was 16. I got invited to a party by some cool older boys (I was bullied at school so this was a huge deal). I was hated at school for liking rock music and so meeting these boys was really exciting.

I remember trying to act cool when I saw someone rolling a joint for the first time, and I remember buying a litre of vodka. I remember telling people that I was really experienced and that I was bisexual (I was a virgin, but I am bisexual - I had just never told anyone). I remember doing my first ever flirting, with a particular girl who was v cool and a goth boy.

Next thing I remember, I was waking up in my own bed, holding a kitchen knife, arms bleeding (I used to self harm quite a lot back then) and really hurting between my legs. There were spots of blood in my knickers.

Over the next few weeks, lots of people were sniggering at me and asking if I enjoyed the party, so I tried to act cool. Then I admitted to two random boys that I had no idea what they were talking about, and they laughed and said I must remember shagging half the party.

I kind of laughed and went to the record shop.

Now, was this rape, or was it me being drunk?

(I must add, I have since enjoyed the odd orgy, so it isn't completely unlikely that I might have liked one then)

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

It was rape. If you cannot or do not consent then it is rape. It doesnt matter that you were drunk. That doesnt make it ok.

[Haemadoots]

it sounds very much like you were raped how long ago was this? Do you feel you can go to the police? I am so sorry you have been through this.

[Namechange0477]

A couple of months later, i had what I thought was my first kiss with a boy off the internet who was younger than me.

Then I lost my virginity to someone else off the internet that was seven years older than me who was meant to be giving me guitar lessons. I used to sneak out of my house to meet him after he had been to the pub. He said we had to keep it a secret in case I got in trouble. When he dumped me for my best friend and cheated on her with a 14 yo friend if ours I tried to take an overdose, and failed. Luckily my friend came round and made me drink coffee and juice. We coukdnt o to hospital because my friend was my 30 year old youth worker who was shagging another teenage friend,

I then proceeded to drink, self harm and snog/fondle anything that moved in our town until I got engaged at 18.

It all sounds like a soap opera. Sigh.

It wasn't normal though. Was it? I thought it was, but it wasn't.

[Namechange0477]

It was more than a decade ago, and I could only describe people as 'that goth with black hair and piercings' anyway.

The 'boyfriend' is now married to my x friend and working as a teacher in a girls school, if rumour in my parents village is to be believed (his family is connected to the village church)

Only now in a place where I can look back and see that it wasn't right. Just checking that I'm right.

[Namechange0477]

We used to just cry and self harm and get drunk and listen to tge manic street preachers and the eels and write bad poetry. I think we thought that it was somehow cool to get treated like shit. I dunno.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

Are you getting any help for all this? It sounds like you could really do with some counselling.

[Namechange0477]

Or oes me having been so melodramatic change things? Maybe it all was down to me. Most people don't have all that happen.

[Namechange0477]

I've had loads of counselling. Not about this, but I have been in and out of various services and hospitals since.

I'm stable now though. Lovely kids and partner, finally getting back to finish my studies.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

You could go and choose to sleep with 100 guys, all in a row, and it still wouldnt make rape ok.

You were also groomed by men much older and in positions of trust.

You really need rl support to accept that you were not to blame.

[Namechange0477]

There is just too much. I have been seeing some form of MH person since I was 15, and I have been discharged at 27. My medication is working now.

I always blamed being mental on, well, me just being mental anyway, but I nearly died when I was 21 having a baby, and so I thought that was what tipped me from being an arsy teenager to being a full on loony. But then the voices I heard were all older cooler people too.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

Have you ever discussed this issue with a professional?

Im glad your meds are working and that you are settled now.

[Namechange0477]

I don't think I have. I don't really remember, but I think it has always been more about firefighting - sorting out medication, stopping immediate risk, etc

I was thinking today that I might try to find out what happened at the birth too.

Everyone just tells me not to upset myself by digging deeper, and just to be happy how I am.

[FloraFox]

I'm so sorry you've been through so much pain. Reading your posts is heartbreaking but you're clearly a strong person to have found your way to lovely kids and partner through all this. In your OP you say you were self-harming at the time you were raped at the party. Is there something further back that could be at the root of all this?

[FloraFox]

Also, you're clearly not "loony". You've been through a great deal of trauma and you're working hard to create a positive life with your family and continuing your studies. That is not easy at all and it is a testament to your strength and self-belief that you have managed this. When you say "there is just too much" and that you have been firefighting, it sounds like there is something deeper in the past that is still having an impact. Maybe if you read back on your thread and think about the advice you would give someone else who had written it, it might help to get your thoughts straight about where you want to go from here.

[CailinDana]

I disagree that you will "upset yourself" from digging deeper, and it really pisses me off when people say crap like that. No one "upsets themselves" - that phrase implies that you are inflicting pain on yourself unnecessarily when in fact the pain is already there and you have to uncover it to help it heal. The "don't upset yourself" bullshit comes across to me very much as "keep hiding your not so nice stories" - it only adds to the secrecy and shame around the things you experienced. Yes, uncovering the past is very very hard and painful and can seem not worth it, but with the right help I honestly believe it is worth it. No one else can tell you not to talk or think about it, that's not for them to decide, it's totally up to you.

It sounds to me like you're in a stable and happy enough place now to properly tackle the root of your problems. I do think talking about it, getting it straight in your head, will help. Do you think you'll consider counselling?

[Haemadoots]

Sorry namechanger dd1 was up most of the night, I agree with the posters you need to discuss this with someone irl. What about phoning rape crisis or speaking to your gp to see what agencies their are locally. The choices you made after this does not in any way make this your fault, maybe what happened to you influenced your thinking but I am just surmising you really need to address this.

Sometimes it helps writing it down it can focus your thoughts on what happened, keep posting if you feel it helps but also get some help irl.

[OneMoreChap]

I'm very sorry to hear that story

Unfortunately, with these sort of questions, the answer nearly always is "Yes".

[Namechange0477]

Weirdly, I'm not actually all that bothered about that night, because I don't remember it and far more traumatic things have happened since. It is just a bit disconcerting I suppose. I don't like missing chunks of memory, but unfortunately there are quite a few gaps.

I was a loony - I used to hear voices and I have spent the last few years on loads of medication and in and out of hospitals and various services.

I'm not now though

[Namechange0477]

I don't know why I was self harming. I hated hated HATED school, I was too awkward, it was noisy and smelly and the teachers were cruel idiots. I had a speech impediment, glasses, flat feet, clumsy, read too much, nerdy ad just wasn't able to cope with so much going on while being asked bizarre questions.

I barely interacted with people until the internet happened. So I suppose that is why I was so keen to fit in.

[Namechange0477]

I am only just now building up to being able to cope with working - I really don't want to take steps backwards.

[QueenieLovesEels]

Are you possibly on the Autistic Spectrum? Has anyone ever investigated that avenue for you? A lot of stuff you are saying about being socially awkward and finding places/people overwhelming fits. Not being able to read signals may have left you extremely vulnerable to predatory types.

I think you need to reach out again for some help in coming to terms with these terrible things that have happened to you. x

[Namechange0477]

I did mention that last time I was in hospital, but the doctor just said it was borderline personality disorder and bipolar. I am definitely bipolar, but I suspect something else. I have been diagnosed as an adult with dyslexia and dyspraxia, but that doesn't seem to cover it.

Sigh.

[FloraFox]

Have you seen this? AQ Test Adult testing and diagnosis of spectrum issues is complicated by other problems that sometimes arise as a result of the underlying spectrum issue (e.g. depression and sometimes even PDs). Simon Baron-Cohen does a lot of work in this area. It seems you have thought about this as an issue before so it might be worth pursuing a bit further. I'm not sure the doctor can write it off as a possibility without testing you.

[QueenieLovesEels]

That test is really good. I think you need to be proactive in investigating this O.P.

Some people develop mental health issues as a consequence of their condition being overlooked.