Feel like am becoming a *Bunny Boiler* (sorry a bit long)

[moneypenny69]

I've been lurking for a while and have read some great feedback on posts on the relationships threads.

I am beginning to think I am turning into a bunny boiler with my insecurities and panics over my current relationship with DP of 9 months and would welcome objective feedback. Apologies in advance for waffling on - will try and give as much info up front.

A bit of background DP had been in a relationship for 6 years before me, and said he'd been single for about 4 months. I fell for him after a few months, he said he didn't believe in love as it was important to him to have a sense of freedom after previous relationship. My previous serious relationships, one in my early 20s and one in my early 30s were both with possesive EA men, both of my ex DPs cheated on me, the first with a one night stand and the other with an emotional affair. I spent most of my 30s avoiding men and recovering from the EA and sometimes PA of the last one. So I was relieved that current DP was not the possesive type and wanted to maintain a sense of independence.

However, I am now beginning to feel insecure in the relationship, I think perhaps I want more. We see each other Sat & Sunday and then one night through the week. He shows very little interest in what I do when I am not with him, although on the days we don't see each other he will call at least once. Is this fairly normal?

I feel jealous about what he does when he is not with me and his ex girlfriends . He is close with an ex from many years ago and she recently commented on his FB wall on a song he shared "Happy memories, Happy times" which made me uncomfortable. I asked him about her, he says they don't talk much now and although he claims she still has feelings for him he does not feel the same. He has now made her invisible (or that I cannot see her at least) and any comments or likes from her have been removed from his wall. We have always agreed how important honesty is in a relationship and sometimes I think he is now hiding stuff. Although I don't believe he is seeing anyone else.

Yesterday I was on FB again, and I could see some of his private chats (part of the PMs being made public for a couple of days?) I know I shouldn't have snooped, couldn't help myself....there were some very intimate PMs from a woman over a period of a couple of months just before and around the time we got together, was obvious they were seeing each other. We've spoken about ex's, but he has never mentioned this woman. I think I am I being completely paranoid to think he should have mentioned that there was someone else between the last serious ex and me, right? Even though he told me was on his own and taking the time out that he needed before starting a new relationship? Possibly it was so casual he didn't think it was worth mentioning. I have never felt this kind of misplaced, immature jealousy before and I am having difficulty knowing how to deal with.

I guess what I am looking for is advice on whether or not these issues are mine, in my own head, to deal with myself and get over, i.e the jealousy and insecurities or if I should be discussing it with DP and perhaps send him running for the hills . I am aware my track record with close relationships is pretty abysmal. I am currently having CBT counselling to improve my non-existent self-esteem and help with negative and irrational thoughts. I have a good job, and lots to occupy me out with the relationship, but I think I really need a kick up the backside to get back to rational normal thinking!

Thanks if you've read this far, I usuall keep all this kind of stuff to myself.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Rewind a little and he told you where he stood at the outset... "he didn't believe in love as it was important to him to have a sense of freedom" This means he sees himself as fundamentally single, rather than in any kind of exclusive relationship. Once you appreciate that, the rest of his behaviour makes perfect sense.

If your previous experience has been with very controlling men I can see why someone less intense would be a welcome relief. But he is less intense to the point of being not interested at all. I think you need something rather more middle-ground where you feel cherished and valued without being either ignored or suffocated.

Good luck

[hollyberry41]

Money penny this is my first time replying to someone elses question and my first thread was really long too its quite nerve wracking not knowing how people will respond as I tend to keep things to myself as well :)

I agree with cogito but don't feel bad about feeling how you feel. Everyone has times where they feel they are not acting like themselves and it can be quite upsetting and confusing to have to deal with emotions that you have even though you don't agree with them in principle!

If you are worried about how your partner views the relationship I would be upfront, but of course that runs the risk that your fears then get confirmed that you are being irrational which is why you probably don't want to bring it up with him.

My feeling would be to speak with him about the fears and see where you go from there. His reaction will tell you if he is willing to take it seriously. I might leave out the bit about reading the messages though!

[sarahseashell]

hi OP first of all massive pat on the back for moving on from the EA relationships, taking time out, working on your own self esteem. You sound to me on the right track. It's important (but not easy I think) to be aware and know that you are loveable and worth being with.

I'd say as a starting point what do you actually want here? That's not clear from your post.

The insecurities are yours IMO, as he clearly wants to be with you and is still around. I think lots of decent men will have friendships with females, fairly decent relations with exes etc and understandably that's all new to you.

What is it that actually worries you about this relationship? as it all sounds like it's ticking along nicely to me

[moneypenny69]

Cogito thanks for your message, yup that's what keeps playing in my head - he doesn't believe in love and is where my insecurities come from. As I know he could well believe in love when the next woman comes along. Feel very sad, as although he may consider himself single, we have both invested in the relationship and each other.

hollyberry41 thanks for the kind words. It's so difficult to keep a rational perspective on what is going on. I appreciate the advice and before I call it off will have a conversation to discuss these issues. Although I think I know the outcome already.

[MsKayGee]

he said he didn't believe in love as it was important to him to have a sense of freedom

That says it all. He doesn't want commitment. He probably doesn't want exclusivity with you. You've been with him for 9 months and it sounds like you want more. So you need to tell him, give him the chance to offer you more, and if he can't.... well it's up to you to decide whether you want a "relationship" under his terms.

[moneypenny69]

sarahseashell - thanks for your reply. I feel a little all over the place, it's the honesty thing that has made me feel uneasy. We've talked about ex DPs and what went on, but the recent one was missed out completely. I thought it was a little bit strange not to mention it at all.

I want to be in a safe and secure relationship with someone who cares as much for me as I do for them. My Dp is kind, attentive and caring and treats me better than any of the previous losers! But as cogito said in her post, I'm not sure if this is enough for me.

We need a conversation, I need to be open and honest and take a risk.

[sarahseashell]

but I don't understand what more it is you want at this stage the ex dps are in the past - it's like you're looking for problems where there aren't any IMVHO from what you've said. Is it that you want him to say he loves you?

[sarahseashell]

(I mean that in the nicest possible way btw - I do the same )

[garlicnutty]

where my insecurities come from .. I know he could well believe in love when the next woman comes along.

OK, so you feel you could be missing out and you should hang in there for the lightbulb moment when it all comes good? Isn't this the sort of misconception that kept you seeing abusers after the first time they made you feel bad?

Co-dependence is a dysfunctional relationship style in which you try to change another person by loving them. Doesn't make sense, does it? You might want to read up on it.

There are 6,500 million men in the world. Why pick one who isn't right for you, then set about changing him? Thousands of single, un-fucked-up men live somewhere near you! Set yourself free for one of them.

[moneypenny69]

MsKayGee thanks for your message. DP was the one after a couple of weeks who asked if he could be my boyfriend and if we could make it exclusive. I never made any demands on him like that, he pushed this one. I guess I presumed that we were/are still exclusive. We've had chats about fidelity, he knows that if he was seeing someone else I would end it.

Thanks again for the reply, I do really need to talk to him and let him know what I want and find out what he wants and if we are on the same page or not.

[moneypenny69]

but I don't understand what more it is you want at this stage the ex dps are in the past - it's like you're looking for problems where there aren't any IMVHO from what you've said. Is it that you want him to say he loves you?

sarahseashell yes, you are right, ex DPs are in the past. It's my issues that are hanging onto what went on before, need to stop the negative script and let go. Of course it would be great if DP could say those three little words, but I heard them before and it meant nothing.

[moneypenny69]

^OK, so you feel you could be missing out and you should hang in there for the lightbulb moment when it all comes good? Isn't this the sort of misconception that kept you seeing abusers after the first time they made you feel bad?

Co-dependence is a dysfunctional relationship style in which you try to change another person by loving them. Doesn't make sense, does it? You might want to read up on it.^

Comes down to low self esteem garlicnutty I recognise this, and it's my issues and negative thinking that are making me insecure. I sometimes imagine that I will never be confident enough to feel secure and happy in a relationship.

I am reading an interesting book on co-dependence, some of it is very relevant.

[GoldPedanticPanda]

I don't see anything wrong in his behaviour, sees you every weekend and one day during the week, and calls when he's not with you. I think that's sweet. I think you're over thinking the Facebook thing and are being a bit paranoid, stop snooping, you'll only torture yourself.

HOWEVER, this sentence worried me;

he said he didn't believe in love as it was important to him to have a sense of freedom

Does he still think this or was it something stupid he said at the start of the relationship? I wouldn't want to carry on seeing a man who thought this. Having a chat to make sure you are both on the same page sounds like a good idea.

[allchangeplease]

OP so what you really don't like is the fact he doesn't ask about your every step when you don't see him? but that's normal, while you are used to posesssive partners who controlled/monitored you all the time - and yes, that creates extreme closeness of the wrong sort. With this guy you feel the distance which is unusual to you. He phones every day and sees you three days a week though, which is fine for someone (him) who recently finished an ltr. He may well be slow falling in love but it doesn't mean it's not happening.
He deleted flirty comments from fb, that's good, and he shows honesty, maybe the other woman you mention WAS a very casual fling for him but she may have been after more hence the messages, I really don't think it matters now.
Good idea to talk to him though, see whether he's softened his 'anti-love' attitude now!

[sades101]

Hi OP - To be honest I think for a relationship that's in its 9th month it seems like it isn't actually moving along. Unless you are happy for it to be the way it is forever more (which clearly you're not as you wouldn't be posting this) I think you need to sit down with him and discuss where this is actually going. Because you don't want to be wasting your life away with someone who in essence wants to really be a single man (but with the side benefit of sex/someone to go places with now and then)

I think if it were me which it isn't so obviously not saying you should agree I would want something to become a bit more stable and solid after that amount of time.

People don't see the benefit in having talks and being open about their feelings. If you don't talk to him you will just sit there driving yourself mad TALK!!!

[ClippedPhoenix]

Sounds like you both wanted different things at the onset and this is making your insecurities worse OP.

He's seeing as much of you as would be expected to be fair to him and he may have changed his mind about where he wants the relationship to go now, after 9 months.

The only way you're going to find out is to ask OP.

[moneypenny69]

Thanks everyone for the feedback, it is useful to get OPV and I know that I should just talk to him - and be prepared for all outcomes, stop putting my feelings down and listen to my gut instinct.

GoldPedanticPanda definitely no more snooping, can't believe I even went there He had his own life before me, and has stuff that is private and separate from us as a couple.

allchangeplease I have found it difficult to get past his indifference to what I get up to when we are apart, but it seems that it is perfectly normal, just not at all what I have been used to. It's surprise not to have my every move scrutinised.

[moneypenny69]

Hi OP - To be honest I think for a relationship that's in its 9th month it seems like it isn't actually moving along. Unless you are happy for it to be the way it is forever more (which clearly you're not as you wouldn't be posting this) I think you need to sit down with him and discuss where this is actually going

sades101 thanks, yes that's it really - we are at the same point we've always been, going from day to day and I know he values his independence. And yes I do want something a bit more stable, where it's possible to talk about doing something together further in the future than this weekend!

[moneypenny69]

Sounds like you both wanted different things at the onset and this is making your insecurities worse OP

I thought I wanted casual in the beginning too ClippedPhoenix, I was happy that he wasn't possesive and very laid back about the relationship, but I think my insecurities reflect that I want something a bit more solid and committed, if that makes sense, without the possesiveness.

We'll have a talk this weekend, when we next see each other and I'll report back, if that is ok

[ClippedPhoenix]

Hi OP.

Yes, it's talk time isn't it.

Good luch sweetheart and fingers cross for a nice outcome for you.

[ClippedPhoenix]

"luch" ?, I'm sober I swear

[blueshoes]

I cannot figure out what your dp wants.

If as you say, he was the one after a couple of weeks pushed to go exclusive, at what point did he say he wanted freedom and independence? Timing-wise, how does it tie up with the time he was having intimate PMs with the other woman?

[moneypenny69]

Hi blueshoes

Timing wise - the messages from the other woman cover the time before we got together and a week after our first date. So rational brain says this is all in order as it looks like it ended before he asked if he could be my "boyfriend" which was around 2-3 weeks after first date.

It was a fews weeks after this that he said he didn't believe in love and wanted a sense of freedom after previous ltr.

Reading back, I can see that he hasn't done anything wrong, he is attentive and always calls when he says he will, even if he is out and about with his friends. He wants casual and I want more committed.....I think we are just at different pages in the relationship.

[blueshoes]

I think your analysis in the last sentence sounds right.

How would he feel if you asked whether you two were still in an exclusive relationship and if not, could you date other men?

[moneypenny69]

Hi, yes we have discussed fidelity and both agreed that our relationship was/is exclusive, since the freedom discussion. Even though he wants a more laid back relationship (think I might be using the wrong words here, not casual as such...) he does want to be in an exclusive relationship with me, he just doesn't want long term committment. Not sure if that makes sense?

I imagine if I asked him if we could see other people, he would be surprised hurt and want to end the relationship.