Feel lonely & Miserable - Not sure What to do...........(Warning? VERY Long)

[Redline]

Hi, I don't post on here very often - with good reason as I'm a man & not very good at discussing my feelings but feel that now? I think things have reached some sort of head in my life & am so lonely & miserable (sort of - will explain in a min') that I now have to do something? Just not sure what. Anyway? This isn't easy to write (or read knowing me) Here goes nothing................

As to me? Well I'm a 34 year old with 1 ds whose 3 & am now separated from the evil witch, ex twotime fiancee his mum who used to be (with me) basically the female equivalent of the type of men I often see being discussed on here (i.e. a total bully) she bullied me emotionally, a little financially & eventually? Physically to. I did (due to having a long temper) put up with this for a while but after she started hitting me in the face (knowing this might kill or seriously injure me due to plates in my face after a former op' - see links below)? And when I then retaliated? verbally & eventually physically to stop her hitting me & once hit her back in order to stop her after she turned on our boy and hit me in the face again? Well then - I knew we couldn't be together for much longer & after nearly 4 & a half years (at the time) we split - she came back & promised to change
(in truth? After she vanished with ds aged 6 months for 6 hours on a snowy Nov' night in 2009 to our old flat that we'd moved out of 4 weeks before? I knew we'd split eventually) but needless to say? She didn't even try change at all & before long?

The arguments started again & she soon left - she came back again after that & we made one more attempt for our boy but that time? We ended up with the police involved & suffice to say? She never came back a third time - well nearly true - she did twice - but the first time? I sent her home to her parents & the second? We couldn't stand one another & I thought I'd fallen for someone else, the air was pure poison & I ended up being told I'd be "better off dead, my son won't remember me" & "he's not yours anyway" (he's my double in all bar age & acts so much like me to in nearly ev ery way) & that old chestnut when She finally found a new man to torture "he's a better dad than you/x (our boy) likes him more anyway" Since then? We've (me & the ex') been involved in WWIII over our son in the courts with all manner of horrible allegations & lies being aimed at me via her & her "tame ape" as I call him (he's threatened me & mine down the phone & on FB), her screaming at & threatening me & my mum in the street & eventuallY? Me not even seeing our son for 4 months & 1 week at one point; All of which? Adds up to nearly 6 years of relationship, 2 engagements & 1 DS's happy home down the toilet & Now brings me to now & just how miserable & lonely I am.

A little backstory small novel (A Lot more about me & my prob's & the stress I've been through can be found here; www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/a1494032-Struggling-with-Depression);

In short (as the link shows)? I spend half my life in horrible pain with headaches & the other half constantly tired & drowsy due to very strong Pk's. I've not (due to all this) had had a proper job in a couple of years now & not having a Long-term position for the best part of 10 years as that operation wrecked utterly the career path I was on. It doesn't help that I've put on weight during my recovery, possibly suffer from Autism, I argue a lot now with my family who think I'm lazy, hate myself & don't like going out much to meet people bar having to get the shopping for me & (when he's here) my boy & generally feel a bit of a recluse whose socially? Very awkward (have to be dragged out by my bro' & family) much of the time & doesn't talk much barring to those I trust a lot which isn't many people.

It Doesn't help either that I run what was once my son's happy home (2 bed house - ex' run back to her parent's who have their own company & spoil her rotten - she has learning difficulties to so being with her? Was often like babysitting 2 children & wore me down in the end) alone & Hate being here on my own but also want the place for some continuity in his little life - he loves it here & calls it "daddys house" & has Loads of toys/his own room & bed & everything here but right now? Hasn't stayed here since April & sees me in a Contact centre thanks to Madame BroomHelga His mothers spite & her mother's (whose behind all this IMO) bile & venom.

Anyway despite my car-crash of a life & the trainwreck that was my last (& in truth one of only two I've been in) serious relationship? I've somehow managed to get on online (poss' because of the anonymity) & found it easy enough to talk to a number of people on here including (it had to happen I guess) a few women. Recently? I found (or was rather contacted by) someone who said she likes me & my profile (yes was on a dating site - don't laugh) & wanted to talk some more - anyway to cut a long story short? We exchanged no's - promised one day to meet soon & began what can only be called an emotional (so far) relationship;

We talk to one another a lot online & phone a fair bit as well - she's older than me (36 to my 34) and the complete antithesis of the ex' whose only similarity to her is that they have one child each; As to the new lady? She's a professional in a very demanding job - knows her own mind & is very fast to keep up with - about as unlike a child as you can get in fact & so couldn't be More different to my ex' as I say? Thing is I know she eventually wants to meet & be together long-term, physical etc which is fine - We've already had one row unfortunately due to my propensity to make stupid/thoughtless mistakes & which took us a Long time to recover from (we've known one another 7 months which is around the time me & the ex' ended forever & yes, she/New Lady Was part of the reason) but when she asked me "did you tell people why we broke up"? I knew we were already having an emotional r'ship & I really like her (I think) so made contact & we eventually made up & are taking it one step at a time now - Thing is?

She's changed a little of late in her ways, this new lady; She doesn't call as much or write as much now; Says she's "not getting her hopes up" one minute re' me then the next? Goes through a whole list of q's re' how I'd act in a full relationship between us - then? She'll not ring for a few days & after that? (Like last week) she calls me 4 times in as many days. There's an energy & spark between us at our best but as I said? She's very demanding (she used to be a teacher & constantly pulls me up on what I'm saying if I repeat anything or ask her a q' that annoys her) & In truth? I'm not sure if I'm up to dealing with a full relationship with an adult woman this sharp after the horror that I went through with the ex' - due to that? Not had much experience of any other women than the ex' for nearly 7 years.

As to us? We've not met yet & now can't for a while (we live about 30ish miles apart I think) due to her job & the fact that half the allegations the ex' has made against me in court? Now mean I will have to have a CBR (?) check done on me if/when we get fully involved which means she's had to postpone our meeting until the case re' my son is concluded. She also told me she'd been "falling in love with you" (me) before (our argument) & when I told her the same? Asked me if it was her I was growing to love? Or the idea of her? That confused me a lot & when I asked myself that question? I had to admit she had a point - I still don't know if it would work with me & her in person but am erring towards the possibility of at least trying right now.

Just to add to this devils brew explosive little mixture? I met (again online but this one? Lives in the same town as me) another woman who I get along very well with & used to (many years ago) go to the same school as; She's a nurse now but interested in nearly the same boring ahem 'different' things I am (inc' even history lol), we talk all the time online & she's always posting me kisses & smilies & again? There's definitely an energy there whenver we talk & I find myself smiling whenever I think of her. Now? I've found that typically Unavoidably? I've definitely begun to develop feelings for her & as in both cases my current interaction with these women is on the phone & online? Also as I'm an utter disaster with women when it ever comes to telling them that I like them never mind becoming physical together advancing beyond the line marked "here be dragons" that you only cross with someone when a relationship starts?

Well anyway due to all that? I'm scared to Try and advance further with either one of these ladies. I don't know what to do or how to do it & talk about it; And no, I'm not being a typical bloke here as I don't want both of them - I'm a one woman man who prefers just one partner - I just really after the hell I've been through in life already? Want to pick the right woman & due to my utter lack of tact & subtlety social skills? I don't feel comfortable proposing "moving forward" with either lady right now. Add the feelings of loneliness, shyness in general but esp' round women, stress re' my boy & WWIII, self-hatred & disgust at the mess I've become out of someone who once had such promise? And it's sufficient to say I'm not a little miserable & upset right now - What do I do next? Any advice/Help would be appreciated - As to me? Well as I put at the start - I've reached a crossroads/some sort of head in my life here & have to do something - I know that now, but what that something is? Well, I just don't know..............................

[Redline]

That didn't come out exactly as I wanted it to re' spelling/paragraphs etc; Shall I bore you all again repost or is it understandable enough?

[purplewithred]

Redline, I've read all your post but I'm struggling to understand what you are asking? What's the big question? In a nutshell?

[Alurkatsoftplay]

Oh dear, sounds like you've had some troubled times.
The thing is neither of these relationships are real relationships. They are nice online companions but nothing more, yet, if ever. Why not concentrate on your child and your job for a bit, heal yourself from your wounds, and then see how you feel?

[Redline]

OK purple'; Will do my best to reword it all;

In short? I've gone through hell in my life up until now; Have real problems re' nearly everything; Health, women, family, Ds ex & WWIII with her in courts etc. Most of All though? I have horrible awful problems even talking to never mind moving forward with women I like or those who like me? So typically after breaking up with devil's daughter ahem slightly nasty ex' who made my (& my son for a while's) life sheer hell a tad difficult? I've now found not one but two women I get on with to the point of being (whispers) compatible enough to form a relationship with; Indeed in one case? I might already be in an emotional (if nothing else) relationship with the woman in question.

I suppose the question I'm asking purplewithred is multifold - Other than concentrating on my son's best interests & fighting like a demon doing my level best to see him & stay in his life? What can I do so I'm happy myself? I've always worried about others & never myself for to long & I want me to be happy for once as in truth? I've been sad inside & lonely for a long time now & unhappy with it to.

Guess I'm saying Is there a way I should go about picking the right woman or asking her what she feels for me? And yes I know I have social issues that somehow need seeing to (with practise fingers crossed) Think I've just felt unhappy & sad (& Very lonely) for a long time now as I said above & in short? I am sick of it. Now I have the chance (possibly) of a r'ship again to make me & someone else happy? I don't want to muck it all up by being the odd one out socially inept/to shy again & guess I was just asking what I should do to make sure I'm happy before & as I get into said r'ship.

It's more delicate I guess as I now think this re' 2 ladies where before there was only one but a few things about the one I've known a few months have started to bother me & make me think if not ask questions of late & re' the other one? I've not seen her for years but knew her Very well at school. Anyway yes, in short? Suppose I'm saying how do I negotiate this minefield & stay true to myself & not hurt anyone? Is there a right way? Just feel confused & so very lonely right now...........

[Redline]

Alurkatsoftplay? Yes you could put it that way I guess.

As to the r'ships? I know that re' them being online but that's only so far; One of them? Wants to come & see me ASAP & the other? Not only lives in my town but knew me for years a long time ago & has asked to meet up before now. I didn't though due to being shy. As to my child? Am doing my best but WWIII in court isn't helping right now and I only see him every fortnight at CC Right now. Jobs? Not sure if anyone will hire me again;

In my life now? I spend to much time on PK's & have to due to the mess the op' in 2005 left me in (my jaw was broken in 2 places in op' - I woke up under GA, lost 2 pints of blood & should have died - but didn't). I then woke up after the op' and could only move my little finger & had to learn the lot from scratch after that like a baby & it's taken me this long to get this far.

As to healing my wounds? Well me & ex' parted for last time as a couple back in February now & haven't lived together since Last June so had a fair bit of time no? I guess I'm just sick of being alone & really want the happiness & feeling of "we/us" that I hear being spoken of so often on here. Not saying it will work with either one of these ladies btw? It just feels like it might which is why I'm now considering taking the plunge.

[Redline]

By last June? I mean June 2011 BTW........

[Alurkatsoftplay]

Well, a relationship is not going to save you, you need to save yourself...
I really would recommend some voluntary work, some gentle sport, some classes, first.
By all mean meet up with your online friends but you are putting massive expectations on the situation, which is not a healthy way to proceed.

[Redline]

I'm only putting those expectations on there Alurks' as in one case? The lady herself has been pushing for a relationship with me for nearly 7 months now - She was the one that looked me up & she wrote about "liking you" (me)? From the start & I don't just mean as friends IYSWIM? So now not a little confused re' all this.

Anyway Agree re' saving myself & have tried to - just so unlike what I used to be; I used to have no problems socially, go out a lot & have loads of classes, work etc. Am the total opposite now. I have made a start though & am off to parenting classes next month which should be interesting..........

NB Did I add the ex' is now trying to remove me (legally) from our former shared home? We had a joint tenancy but constantly said she hated the place & has now lived with her parents for nearly a year & a half now & admitted herself that she can't run a house on her own (re' finances etc) but she? Has been trying to move my name away from the tenancy in court now so spent a few months with even more stress re' not knowing if I'll have a home after this case has ended or not. Not good.

NBB I said me & the munchkin look alike despite certain foul lies ahem contentious claims to the contrary; What you think?

www.mumsnet.com/member/photo-preview

[fayster]

Mm, I think you hit the nail on the head in your last post. You should make sure that you're happy, before even thinking of taking either relationship further. Otherwise, there's a danger that you're expecting the relationship to make you happy, and pushing it forward artificially to get to that point, rather than letting it develop naturally. Being in a relationship won't stop you feeling lonely or miserable, it can make you feel worse if it's the wrong relationship.

It's a cliche, but learning to love yourself, so that you're truly happy in your own company, will make relationships so much easier for you. I haven't read your other thread, but have you spoken to your GP about the fact that you're feeling so down?

[fayster]

Not your last post, I type too slow. Your second post.

[antsypants]

Redline, if you ask me, the last thing you need is a relationship with someone... There is no such thing as the right woman, and whether you meet someone through friends, the internet or anywhere else, relationships are never easy, not even the happy ones, they need long term investment and you are right in thinking you need to be happy to make someone else happy.

You have an awful lot to deal with (I had a read of your other thread) and you have a lot I think to still come to terms with, the loss of your hopes and aspirations, chronic pain, the break up of your relationship (and trust me, that takes a massive toll emotionally whether it is right to be apart or not) and the battle to see and retain your relationship with your child.

For me, I would not even consider getting into a relationship with someone who had all of these shadows in their life, and this flirtation you have with these women, the fact that you are essentially straying emotionally from the first woman, despite not even being in the proper relationship that you crave, shows that you are most definitely not ready.

If I can make an observation... I see your life at the moment like this, you seem like a very intense person (not an insult) who is being pulled in many directions by life, one small part of this is set aside for these women, the lonely and unfulfilled side, what happens when either your problems start to resolve themselves one by one, freeing more energy and intensity up to put into your relationships and you realise at that point that these were relationships that helped you but ultimately are not what you need?

You are lonely, and you are not alone, but that loneliness and depression is compounded by the existing problems you have... You need to tackle these first.

What is happening career wise for you now? Are you seeking a different direction or planning on getting back on your original path?

What are your long term hopes for your relationship with your son?

I am sure you have probably done this, but have you been referred for pain counselling and management? Are you on the best regime?

what about counselling for yourself? Have you done this/are you doing this/ would you do this?

I think at the moment you are much to vulnerable to end up in the serious, long term and loving relationship I know you crave.

[Redline]

Yep - see what you mean fayster; I spend loads of time in my own company anyway & don't dislike myself now so much I guess as am resigned to being the way I am now for the rest of my time. I'm not as unhappy myself now as I once was but still feel a little sad & unhappy from time to time & I know I feel lonely a lot of the time to? I just wonder am I unhappy because I'm lonely/want someone or because I'm still unhappy with me? I don't know & guess only I can answer that question.

As to expecting the relationship making me happy & being pushed forward by me artificially & poss' upsetting both of us due to that? I think you may have just hit the nail on the head re' me & the woman I've known for 7 months now -she's always saying I should "go with the flow" & that I "put things in compartments & neat piles/boxes which you can't do in real life" far to often IMO - Now? I think I know what she means by that & that she's asking for us if there's to be an us? To develop naturally. And yes I know being in a relationship won't stop you feeling lonely or miserable & can be far worse in the wrong relationship - What you think happened with my ex'? Amongst many other mad dramas personal disasters to numerous to mention.

I know now what you mean re' learning to love myself - I think I have in a way since the summer when me & the Lady in question (I've known since Feb'?) and me had our big row - I took a long look at myself after that & before going back to her & found I didn't like what I found at all so tried to change a lot of it; I like myself better now but not entirely as yet. Guess I'll know when I love myself eventually & when that day comes? Maybe I'll finally be ready to love another. As to when that might be? All I can say for now is we shall see............

NB Yes spoken to GP several times about all this.

[Redline]

Hi antsypants - had a read of your answer & will reply fully later; Am a little tired right now but just to say? "Straying emotionally"? Don't know if it's that or not? I've more started to question if me & this woman are right for one another due to a couple of things I've noticed of late about her & don't forget? She came looking for me first; I didn't even know of her before she first wrote to me but we've got to know one another very well since then.

Arrgh!! Am just very confused - You right I think in a nutshell Miss; I'm far to confused/overshadowed for a relationship - BTW? Things in my life have moved on a little since that other thread; Some things going better for me so at least? Thankful for small mercies.................

NB Will answer the rest of your points later when I'm not half asleep fully awake. Bye for now Miss.

[Redline]

And yes antsy - You're quite right on something else to? I am indeed a very intense person - Probably to much so sometimes....................

[discophile]

Well, Redline, you have my sympathy; you have a lot to deal with. Your original question was "Not sure what to do". You've had some good advice here. Are you going to take that advice? I second all of what was said in antsypants Sun 16-Sep-12 08:50:33 this post. Seriously, it makes total sense to me. Concentrate all the non-sexual relationships in your life - friends, family, child/children, colleagues - and get those right before you move on to anything else. These relationships are as fullfilling as the other type.

[Redline]

Hi Discophile - Yes I read what antsypants put & will answer her in due course point by point. And yes I do intend to take much of her advice. I am and have been concentrating on the non-romantic (not sexual lol - believe it or not? I'm a big softy at heart & really like the hand holding/cuddling etc that goes in a relationship as much as the sexual side - rare among men but not unheard of).

I've spent so long fighting for my son & (sometimes) with my family over all the hell my ex' is putting me & them through re' that little boy? That I've often forgotten what it's like to have a romantic relationship in truth; I'm just tired & worn out by it all I guess & need someone to hug me as much as they can. I know just how fulfilling the non-romantic relationships are as I've had them just right in the not-to distant past so know that? First hand;

Anyway, Fingers crossed a few of the things in my life are now working themselves out so I can move on soon as this year? I've spent about nearly the full 8 months that have gone by on nothing but my family/child & various friendships & due to certain outcomes not happening as I thought they might? Am far more burnt out inside than I ever thought I'd be.

I guess I'd just like to see the nice side of things again now & with someone who likes me? I really don't want to mess things up with her & feel a bit emotionally unstable/unhappy myself after all that's gone on in (ironically) everything but the romantic/personal side of my life; So in truth? I think I just now so want/have to sort that resultant mess out in my head before I move into a relationship with this woman as I really want to make her happy as well as being happy myself.

Anyway thanks for taking time to read discophile - I appreciate your remarks Miss. I'll answer antsypants in a little while as well.

for all who helped me on here & because I'm (finally) feeling a little happier having taken some of that advice into account & acted on it.

[Redline]

Hi again antsypants? Well, where to start?

I know it's possible there's no such thing as the right woman for some people (though I believe different myself) & yes, I'm fully aware that relationships are a long-term investment; Yes I thought I might have something re' thinking I should be happy in order to make someone else happy to? It's the old "if you can't love yourself? Who Can? Question isn't it? As to the right woman question? Well I'll just add despite their being no one right person for everyone? I do believe as we Find ourselves & who we really are? We find people suited to that person & that ultimately? Most people do indeed have a 'right' man/woman out there for them; It's a matter of finding yourself and then finding that special 'one' for you IMO.

You're not wrong re' me having a lot to deal with & thanks for taking time to read my other novel thread Miss; I'm trying one by one to come to terms with the things factors you mentioned but everytime I think I'm settled in one area? Something else goes wrong - e.g. I'll sort out the pain for a while & then? Something will go wrong re' my ex' re' our son or I'll get upset re' the loss of my dreams etc. So bit of a Catch 22 close one door & open 2 more situation for me right now. But in order by factor? The loss of my hopes & aspirations is something I've just about squared in my head in the 7 years since the op' though it really hurts to admit that, the break up of my relationship with her? Well deep down I think it's still affecting me your right & it really did devastate me emotionally at the time (June 2011), the chronic pain I've learned to live with though the havoc it & the PK's wreck still takes a toll & worst of all?

Well let's just say re' The battle to see & retain (regain in some respects re' lost ground) my relationship with my son? Thatthis has battered me emotionally this year (last year it was the end of the relationship - now? It's this) like nothing else - I feel drained emotionally, saddened that it's come to this with my ex' of 6 years & utterly burned out at times by the 'dragging on' nature of our battle over him & sometimes? I just wish it would finish now & we could be amicable for his sake but the Witch of the North his mother? Never will agree to that & so the pain & hurt continues..............

I appreciate that you might not consider a relationship or getting into one with someone with all these shadows in their life & believe me? In the case of the one I speak to a lot by phone & computer? Well until she contacted me? I didn't so much as think of relationships or women; Was far to focused on everything re' my boy - so much so that I think I've worn myself out with it. But then? That lady did contact me & something changed. I don't know what or how - I just know when I spoke to her for the first time? There was (& is) attraction on both sides. We're being careful about meeting thus far - partly as she's prudent & forward looking herself & has said (in another way) a lot of what you have here about me needing to "sort out my past" as she calls it before moving forwards with her. As to "straying emotionally" re' the first woman?

Well? It's possible - I don't know if it's that or me doing what my brother suggested the other day when I spoke to him about it all; He said I'm like a starving pet dog or animal that has been starved of affection or attraction for so long that when I see the slightest sign of it? I'm on it like a shark is blood. It might just be that I don't know but what I do know is? It's prob' to late for me to back out now re' the long-term woman as me & her have both promised one another we'd meet eventually come what may & I really am attracted to her & just want to move on with my life. I accept I might not yet be 'ready' to get into a proper relationship with the first woman but at the same time? I think I might be more ready than I was about 7 months back when all this began; We haven't met yet & might not for a little while yet so there's more time for me to ready myself in the meantime as well so that by the time I do finally meet her? I will indeed be ready for a proper relationship & able to give her the care & attention she would deserve as part of that; Whether I will be ready or not? We shall see..............

I accept your observation & as you said (& as I did elsewhere here)? I am indeed a very intense person who puts his heart & soul into something once I decide I'm going for it as it were. And yes I'm being pulled (or so it feels) all over the place right now by life. As to me having "one small part set aside" for women/relationships? I never thought of it like that but good call & yes I suspect as you spotted a mile off (so perceptive you ladies!!)? That is indeed the unfulfilled part of me & it/me does feel very lonely when I 'touch' that part of me in my own mind.

As to my problems resolving themselves? Well they are starting to (sort of) albeit slowly & I am finding more energy/intensity to put towards relationships now which is one reason I wrote what I did on here as (again just as you guessed) I'm now realising that one needs to question oneself & check one is ready before doing what I was all to ready to do before & dive straight into the first available relationship - I guess that's what I'm doing here - asking myself (& through M'net others) if it is what I need ultimately & long term? And now that my own mind is finally (after a year from Hell) clearing up a little as a few of my problems do? I'm starting to get some unclouded proper answers in my head so in that sense? This thread is helping me as I wanted it to. Whether I can ultimately put into practice the advice here & find what is right for me as well as for whichever (if any) other person I end up involved with? I don't know but what I do know is? I'll question myself extensively now before I make any such longterm commitment or move as after reading all your advice? I see it is the right thing to do. So thanks for your advice antsy - I'll use it as best I can Miss.

Finally re' the different factors

I am lonely - not sure if I'm depressed or not; Some I know think I am & others not. But yes, I accept the problems I have/had are adding to that & I am trying to tackle/wrap them up. It's just taken me a very long time to do so up until now.

Career Wise? Not a lot really thanks to my pains & what I use to control them - I'm trying to build something from where I stand & see if Someone will have me but yes I suspect it will be a very different direction from my original path (been to long for me to go back to that) when I finally do find what is right for me; Out of all the problems? That has been the hardest one (bar all re' my son) for me to resolve thus far.

Long term hopes for my relationship with my son? I want what any father should I guess? I want to have as full a part as I can in raising him (including re' his schooling, medical care etc) & as much time with him at my house seeing & being raised by me as is practical & possible; I've already missed his 3rd birthday/5 months or so of having him at home, Fathers day this year and having him here on my birthday. I want all that? Sorted out at court before the years out & an agreement in place that the ex' will have to abide by & can't rewrite (re' hours/rules etc) as she pleases & has done in the past with no reason whatsoever.

In fact the way things have gone? I might even apply for a Shared Residence Order as I don't think in the long-term? His mum can raise him all on her own - she's a child inside herself with Learning Difficulties & significant emotional issues of her own to sort out & she's far more volatile than me with her temper which worries me not a little at times as our boy? Is still only 3 years old.

Yes I've been referred to pain counselling & Management - I've had changed several times the Painkillers I'm on as well but unfortunately? Only the strongest ones have worked/do work for the pain I get & the plates now in my face causing all this? Cannot be removed so I'm stuck with them, the pain & all that goes with it. I've had numerous discussions with Doctors & Counsellors about it all but we end up going round in circles & coming back to that basic inescapable fact of? I'm stuck with this & that? Depresses & upsets me at times more than many other things. I think it always will...........;

I would consider counselling for myself yes; Especially, since it's not just the Pain in my head & the PK's that afflict me; My weight hasn't been great since I put on loads during my recovery from the Gates of Hell That damned operation & recently? I was put down for a gastric bypass operation waiting list; Further? I was also diagnosed last year with Sleep Apnea & have to now wear a CPAP machine that's like a fighter pilots mask over my face which fires oxygen into me each night for at least 4 hours. So yes more than a few things I could/should prob' get counselling for to try & fit my head around/reconcile myself to. I've not looked before for counselling no & due to the sheer business right now in sorting out many of the other problems I listed above? I've not yet done it but yes I would do it & indeed prob' will one day. Since I don't know if I'm ready to discuss all this in person though? I think I'll prob' get it when I've got my head round it all - That will come soon, Just not yet...........

Yes I am (& appear clearly) very vulnerable & prob' to much so to get in never mind stay in the serious, long term & loving relationship that you correctly guessed I do indeed crave. Trouble is? I think me & this woman are seriously falling for one another now & I don't know if I can stop myself (or her) from feeling this. I know I/we shouldn't act on it (these feelings) yet & that I'm prob' far to vulnerable for the type of relationship you mentioned (& that she clearly wants) trouble is? We're in quite deep with one another now & will I be able to stop myself considering matters with her in terms of a relationship & just talk to her for now? I just don't know - to say it will be very hard after how close we've felt at times? Is an understatement & then some (I've been alone to long in this bloody house for a start & then? I've got a lot coming up medically & don't want to face it all alone like I have done before). I don't know - Suppose all I can say in the end Miss is that I promise I'll try & follow the correct course...........

Thanks for your help antsy - I've answered as fully as I can & will consider/try & act/continue to act on all you said.

[antsypants]

Hi redline

It wasn't until after I re-read what I had posted that I realised how my comment about straying emotionally would be taken, just to clarify though, it is not meant as you are betraying or cheating, but just that as your brother has succinctly said, you seem starved of affection.

You remind me a bit of myself when I was in my twenties, I tend to intellectualise and separate when thinking about personal things, I ponder and revisit and try to pick apart every nuance of my life, or I did until i had counselling, which has really helped me in this aspect of my life... Sometimes your feelings cannot be qualified and it really comes down to how to deal with that in order to move forward into the type of relationship you want. I don't know if there is ever a right time to go into counselling, but when you feel ready you will know. I think, from what I have seen of your posts so far, that you will find it incredibly valuable.

I think the time for avoiding getting involved with your online friend has been and gone, you are invested and I see from your last post just how invested you are in this, as is she by the sounds of it, I took things to be much more immediate between you, but by the sounds of it you are both rightly being cautious and waiting until the right time, which is all the better for you to get into a better place.

I am sorry to hear that things are not working out in the pain department, I understand a little of what you go through, I fractured my skull when I was 14 and suffered from severe migraines since that point, nothing compared to you I am sure, but I know how pain changes your personality and outlook as well as your mentality, I think, for the record, that you are doing an amazing job of keeping focused on the important things whilst this is still a constant issue for you, and it will sow fruit for you because your relationship with your son will be all the stronger the harder you fight, and your relationship with your woman friend will be stronger because you are putting so much effort and thought into making sure it is the right thing for both of you.

I have no doubt you will find the right path for yourself, you are an erudite and sensitive person, that much is evident from the few words you have written, there is always a place for such people, you just need to find it.

Take care

[Redline]

Wasn't sure whether to do this or not but there's prob' good reason for me renewing this thread of late as been a tad (to say the least) confused by all that's gone on with me of late? Also to say I'm very appreciative of all those who replied before & thank you to all for your time?

BTW - I know I sounded like I HATE my ex' & always have done but it wasn't always that way - I loved her once & I suppose breaking up with me really hit me hard at the time but in the end? I think............Actually tell you what? Here's a (virtual novel) Looooooong post/letter I wrote to a female friend on FB that describes what my ex' was REALLY like for much of our time together & to those who think men don't suffer much at the hands of women (or should be "big enough to shrug it off") that I often hear/read of in the media (not saying on here as I think many of the good ladies on here are fair enough to see both sides?

Well let's just say to those who think men don't or can't bullied? This letter provides a significant riposte. I've replaced all names & place names with "Xxxx, the town that......., Miss, our son/boy, mother etc" names & descriptions in short? Anyway? I'll post said FB (inbox) post in a min' in speechmarks and after it? It will prob' be rather To clear WHY I've had problems with women since splitting with my ex'. Anyway? See what you think. Just to reiterate before I do this? I really DID love her once - more than anything - so sad it turned out like this but? Anyway here goes nothing...........

NB the Woman I'm writing to? Is one I used to go to school with years ago & have known for around 23 years hence the affectionate terms.

NBB This letter was written on May 4th so a little while ago now; However in truth? Not a lot has changed emotionally for me since then then bar I've seen & am seeing my son again now at a CC & lots going on legally but still? All I said re' her & once loving her stands from that inbox message/letter - I really DID love her lots once but now? Hate her & breaking up with her really did hurt me but now? It's prob' one of the better moments of my life given the freedom I've had since. I guess I'm just really confused & suffering from that breakup even now - sorry in advance if I ramble at all.

[Redline]

Warning? This is LONG - anyway? Here's the letter/inbox message I referred to to my friend back in May from FB - is in the speechmarks.

"Oh Xxxxx my love - You don't know the HALF Of it do you Miss? Sorry to sound brutal & cynical but allow me to enlighten you Miss & I Warn you now? This? Is VERY long but the truth? Needs length? Then so be it. Here goes nothing........

OK then making progress with her? Maybe Xxxxx I don't know Hun' am just in Such a state right now. And that's what I meant BTW - did you Read all I posted from her when talking to me? Half of it at least is LIES nothing more - I guarantee you for nothing. I should know - I LIVED with her for nearly 6 years & I know she ALWAYS does that sort of thing - Have had it All from her before - Supposedly being half Italian, having a French mother, a brother who goes to Rome a lot, Not being able to have babies due to a supposedly abusive ex' whose a drug dealer & being a 'mother' to his (non-existent) dead wifes children as well as her mum's best friends dead daughters best friend (that woman? Was real but didn't Ever know Her); Then I've had the stress of Being accused myself of hitting her & nearly getting done by the police (being arrested one night anyway) despite Her cutting My Forehead in Three places so it bled extensively with Three Rings on her hand when she punched me & throwing a plastic box at my head just before as well! Despite that? I was the one arrested & nearly charged; Work that one out..........

Well I say nearly charged? That was before using my legal training to cut ALL her allegations to pieces (not hard given they had holes the size of the Titanic in them!!) - Heck she even falsely accused someone of Rpe once & got Him arrested & destroyed my friendship with him forever though at the time? I believed her & fought to the hilt to defend her so I just don't KNOW if she's lying yes? Further to that? I've heard SS & others call her a great parent with Nothing wrong with her & NO violent tendencies re' that supposed (non-existent) domestic violence of mine? I'll admit I fought with her at times but was always provoked & goaded & threatened by her; Anyway in short actually? SHE hit me & even battered me Miss - Numerous times;

Remember how I told you I have steel plates in my face that can Kill me if hit in the wrong place & is Wju I gave up Karate which I loved? Well one day when coming back from the pub in 2007? She challenged, goaded & Hit me there 17 times Until I lost my rag & hit her back then shoved her away after telling her the Whole time NOT To hit me as she could kill or injure me!! She though? Was drunk & absolutely Hell-bent on Getting a reaction from me come what May & kept goading me calling me "coward, loser, weakling, fearful" etc & hitting me & laughing & saying I'd be better off dead & other stuff as she hit me (& she's a Big girl who Used to play rugby so HER punches? Hurt a lot) & she did that? UNTIL I snapped - After I finally hit back? She was in tears & calling me a bully etc & Every fight we ever had after? Nearly always ended up in wrestling, throwing stuff or hitting. Became unbearable in the end.

Further? Her fantasies also involved her disappearing a LOT she went out & NEVER came back all night often ending with me, our families & the police looking for her & would come in smiling very often as though naught was wrong & at least once me & her parents had to pick her up from the train station & take her back to my flat in tears after she phoned up all night from London where she'd lied & gone to (with some foreign/African sounding man who I bullied via threat of police & families into taking her to the Train station & sending her home). Further? She went home one night from the pub when me & my friend were there & came back the next day with some odd story of being at a bloke's house all night & saved by his Gay housemate from Rpe or Sexual assault & them having a fight after which He (the bloke she said fancied her?) drove her home after I threatened him with the police , she KEPT trying to sneak off to meet the bloke who eventually was accused of rping her by her at night & odd times after odd text messages from him - The main reason I believed her in truth - He? Was Always winding her up when she was with me & Trying To split us up & the night it happened? She went to his house & Stank to high heaven of drugs she'd Never had before or since & I think He drugged her in short. Something happened that night anyway.

She once threatened to go & live in Glasgow with a man she'd NEVER met while I was in hospital having two operations & Only stopped (& ignored me for a week) after I told him her REAL age - she'd lied about it & he disgusted with her? Dropped her like hotcakes. She came home from a night out 6 months After having our son like the Devil was on her tail after turning her phone off all night with a story of a taxi driver chasing her & then 2 years ago on our last Massive night out as a couple? She was going round all My Friends (as well as hers) alleging domestic violence at me & asking How to leave me & Never let me see Xxxxn again by law; And...........I don't know Miss it just went on & on & on like this & in the end? Wore me out & then some..........

There was more than even all that though - I had near Constant insults from her about my weight etc & to do with my son to Esp' of late "fat, lazy, useless, lump, pathetic embarrassing, better off dead, your son Won?t remember you anyway - I'll poison him against you, He'd be embarrassed - who'd want YOU as a father? I took pity on you & Never loved you - My Whole Family hated you & love Xxxxx (her new BF), why don't you die, why don't you go back to hospital & keel over as you should of done Years ago & Loads more like that" Oh & When as I knew it would? The deceit, lies, vanishings & fighting reached our little Boy? I acted as I always KNEW I'd have to.

He started getting Really upset & crying when we argued & She? Provoked me until I'd shout or push back to stop her hitting me & then it would upset him & I Had To calm him down - She Always punished or shouted at him for siding with Me (looking so much like me to I Think - She HATES that & ALWAYS moans about it when near me). She disappeared one night after going in the afternoon to my Mums for Sunday lunch in November 2009 (when he was about 6 months old) on a Very cold evening/night after going out that afternoon & then? I Never found her until nearly 10.00 that night despite driving around frantically looking for her Constantly being misdirected whenever I phoned her (by her) as to where to go to pick her up All Over our town & beyond (running out of petrol by the end) due to some mad story of her meeting a man who "fancied her" & who Would Not answer me (prob' pssed off I'd even rung over nothing) when I rung him but in the end Miss do you know WHERE she admitted going After I Finally found her in the Pub car park walking back to ours with the boy in a pushchair at 10.20 at night on an icy & Freezing evening?

She said she'd got the keys to our old flat (this was only Weeks after we moved - another thing, she hammered me To Make me move from my studio flat to the 2 bedroom I'm in now for Ryan & then? Said she Hated the place despite helping decorate it); Anyway she'd got those keys, gone back to the flat which we'd cleared out & had all the electric turned off at along with the gas & then? Sat there & apparently spoken to our Old neighbours ( a drug dealer & his GF who lived below us) with our son there for Six hours!! His health? Was NEVER the same after that night & I'm SURE he caught asthma then - He certainly coughed like Fck poor little mite. I knew THEN? Things Would one day come to a head & so they did with the 'arrest' last summer..........

That day? She Lied to me & told me she loved me & was going out for lunch for us from the local shops? She came back for Munchkin & said she'd take HIM for the walk? I never Saw him again for nearly 4 weeks until my contact was sorted. She went to the police with a pack of lies & had her phone off All morning while I looked for her on it. Told me lies along with the Outreach women about handing out leaflets but actually? Was accusing me of stuff I NEVER did & then? Going to the police & taking Ryan from his Primary Residence With me illegally & going to Her Parent?s town to live with him where he's remained since with the SS & authorities Helping it stay that way despite My attempts to fight them & brushing EVERY suggestion of her as a bad mother or dangerous individual to be around a child? Under the carpet.

You decide? On top of all the above? I've had our Lad THROWN at me physically by her when I shouted at her for making him cry while changing his nappy (she pushed her fingers down Hard on his hips & he cried a lot so I told her not to), seen her Smack him when he was 1 & half So hard? She left a red Mark on his lower back for Weeks after & why? He wouldn't Try to read on her knee. She threw our son at me Again in front of our mutual female friend, she's thrown Cola bottles at me - Hit me as I outlined above, smacked our Little Boy hard for no reason, thrown baby bottles & all sorts at me, used to put him in the highchair hard & it hurt him & FORCE him to drink by Pushing the bottle hard at him & making him cry, she Still puts him in One year olds undervests that he Does NOT need now he?s gone 2 years - I have to Keep trying to potty train him here as She? Puts him in nappies come what may & Won?t do it herself.

Then? There was the police thing last summer where She bruised & cut me & I? Was Accused of cutting her leg by throwing a TV remote at it Three Times in PRECISELY the same place on her leg despite us being at the hospital to Finally get our Little Boy diagnosed with Asthma for SIX hours one of those days. I've been accused by her solicitor of Not being able to care for him at night despite doing so for 6 months before & then? Being offered Nights by them amongst my hours later on again. She's threatened me & my mum on the phone & in person in Front of our son this last month & again on the phone to me, I've had Death threats & threats of harm to me & My family by her New BF/tame ape as well as attemptes to Bully me into NEVER ringing my son again & going to a Contact Centre with No other contact like some sort of criminal - I've had attempts by her to Stop me getting my brief involved so I Don?t take legal action (which I Have now btw - 4 weeks ago not that she knows yet) to Secure those hours. All sorts Miss - just Tired of it all & you right I So angry still - hurt more though.

Oh & remember I said She once threatened to throw herself off a railway bridge? That was whilst she was with our son staying at her parent?s town for a while & when I talked her home & rung him to say goodnight that night? She'd started that evening in the town centre of where she lives with him at 8.oo PM on a Very Cold evening with no coat or cover for him BTW. Anyway later? She had a man over the house who stayed overnight, drank & rowed with her & had a verbal battle on the phone with ME - then? smashed a glass in the living room door the next day - I was told & went to take Ryan for 5 days for his OWN safety after she alleged he'd cut himself on it which he hadn't - We went & got him & kept him for five days during which I had numerous suicide threats & rants down the phone from her And I had to 'witness' her character by phone to the policewoman who arrested her after she followed that man across town & kicked his front door in screaming at him that he'd "lost her son for her" & attacking him after which? An injunction was put on her re' him. Then? She & her mum came to get our Little Boy the following Monday (5th day) &? Screamed, hollered & swore at me & said it was All MY Fault in the street for taking legal action etc. This was 2 years ago now & things? Have ONLY got worse since then

I've had her mum accuse me of being autistic, Laughing at me & making remarks re' my arrest to My son, her brother trying to get me to say Please like a trained dog to talk to My own son, her dad complaining of My dad harassing him by asking for ONE extra hour to take our boy to see a steam train that was in the town I live in, I've had lies from her solicitor that he nearly fell in my mum's pond when actually? He ran through a puddle. That we 'overmedicated' him by giving him piriton for hayfever & his Stated dose of 2 inhalers a day (ventolin for bad asthma) as though She & her brief? Know MORE about asthma than a 33 year old with asthma (me) all these years & his mum who was an Ashtma NURSE working with consultants on it for 35 years!!!

I've had her turn up unexpectedly to "sort things out" with me during MY time with my Son - Confuse fck out the poor lad & leave him crying for his mum at times then go home on a bus, train & taxi to her town leaving him crying with me for the rest of my time with him that weekend. I've had her Threaten me on MY doorstep if I go to see His school in her town despite ME? Having Parental Responsiblility & being Entitled to do so as his Dad. I've had her come to get her stuff the other month in My Front room & insult a Woman I really like (who likes me to) - claiming she didn't exist & then? "oh I'm up against That am I? Hope you & your slag are very happy Xxxxx - Go & enjoy your tart then fcking btch"

That? Was at the start of February with our FINAL attempted reconicilliation just Before she met her new BF & then? I got ALL the insults & jibes from her re "dying, why am I not dead/keeled over etc" that I also got from her BF a month later - the air virtually clouded with poison, venom & Bile & I KNEW I couldn't get back with her then Miss.

In short my friend? I've had.................the Lot from her & you? Have Most of it there to read. Sorry it's So Long but really? It needs to be Read to be believed - She's a Fucking monster Miss & I'm sorry but? I Hate Her So much now because I Loved her So much once & now? The mask has been removed & I know what she's Really like - I just Should have seen it Years ago is all. Poor Xxxx?s (our son) caught in the middle now & her attitude? Is HER to the core - Summed up by what she said last summer when here with my mum doing the garden? "Oh Xxxx - Love you little man but If I Ever have to give you up? Don't Care HOW much you or your dad love each other - I? Will NEVER give you to him or That cow Xxx? (my mum) instead? I'd rather give you to the Social Services (SS)" That is what I'm up against Miss & why? I frankly don't trust her as far as I can Throw the btch & Never will again. She's a sadistic, violent bully & a nasty, evil Liar plain & simple.

I Have tried to control my temper, not bite (hit back) or put her down but in face of all That? Do you really think I should Bother? Or should I just Hammer her legally, utterly Crucify her in court & have done with it to Force back my times with my son as in the end? I think I'll Have To do that & I'm so upset she's MADE it come to this but in the end? She called my bluff once to often - She thinks? I CAN'T do anything legal -not that I've refrained from doing so & now? She'll find there's a steel glove beneath the velvet of my kind words & it's ready to hit her between the eyes as I Xxxxx? Have had More Than enough & Then some..........................

As to seeing him on the 17th? That's his b'day what about BEFORE then as I've asked for a Month now & she Knows I NEED my mum to drive me up there so asking me to go on my Own? Is code for "don't show up" in Xxxxx speak. Will see but as you've probably guessed by now? I don't & never WILL trust her an inch - She's destroyed All Trust I once had in her looooooong beyond repair & now? It will Never come back. So sad it's come to this but in the end? My son comes first now & I've missed him? For long enough & still more..................................

OK Xxxxx sorry for the length mate - Hope you don't mind reading it ALL & maybe? You'll see just WHY I Hate her so much now & Don't trust her an inch & never will? Sorry it's like this from someone whose Catholic & believes in God as I do but in the end? Even I have limits & quite simply? She pushed beyond them once to often. Now? I'm replying in kind.

OK Xxxxx have a read & see what you think? Sorry for the length Miss.

NB One other thing? She Was given antidepressants by her doctor to Control Her mood swings & calm her down & they WORKED but she & her mum? INSISTED she didn't need them, flushed them down loos threw them out etc & now? She's as bad as Ever. Further when I Last saw My son? It wasn't just HER half asleep at 10.00 AM coming into the street in a pair of tracksuit bottoms & an England football top swearing & threatening me & my mum like a footy hooligan after we'd had a wild goose chase around her town to find her but Much worse? Our little boy came out in No clothes bar a nappy that we Soon found?

Was smeared in baby waste (number 2 :O) All up the inside back part around his rear end to the small of his back just inside the (Size 6) nappy ? I was completely disgusted & Shouted at her to change him before the police came & advised me & my mum to go home to avoid 'breach of the peace' or they'd arrest us All but worse? His face looked unwashed with food from the night before on it as well. He was a mess like she just could NOT fcking bother Xxxxx & it broke my Heart to see my son like that - That was April 4th & in the end? Whilst I all but Forced the police to Make Her Let me hug him a Lot? In the end? I HAD to go & have Not seen my boy since.............................

I dunno Xxxxx just worn out & heartsick by it all but now? Think you can see WHY No? Anyways? Just have a read when you've time? Then see what you think Hun' Speak soon X"

[Redline]

Sorry THOUGHT I'd removed all the names - seems I missed a couple re' my son but blanked out my, my ex's, my friends & HER BF's name as well as those of our towns so enough to keep identities hidden I think. Am to tired to be typing now I guess...................:P