Should I try to warn her?

[fairtomiddling]

When I was a teenager, I had a boyfriend who I now realise showed all the classic red flags of being a potential abuser. I won't list them all here, but I've just been reading the red flags thread on here and nodding along with the vast majority of them! I was only with him for a few months (thank god) and when I dumped him, he got very nasty, phoning me 20 times a day, texting me to say he'd just taken an overdose and it was my fault, telling me he'd "fucking break me in half" if he ever saw me again... you know, the usual! Anyway, I was browsing around friends-of-friends on facebook recently, and I came across the profile of his new fiancee (I don't dare look at his profile directly in case facebook brings me up as "people you may know" on his page - I don't want to bring myself to his attention again). I really feel like I ought to send her a message and warn her of what she's getting herself into, but at the same time I'm worried that he would start hassling me again if I did, and I know she's been with him a long time (they started dating a few months after we split up, which was about six years ago now) so surely she already knows him better than I ever did... but I just can't help worrying for her and wondering how much his behaviour has escalated since they've been together. I can't even imagine how awful it would be to come across her in the future and find out she's had children with him. :(

I really don't know what to do - I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I eventually found out he'd been abusing her and I never even attempted to warn her, but at the same time I wonder if it would be worth the risk of potentially having him in my life again, especially as she's been with him for so long that she must have already justified the red flags to herself and she'd probably think I was a loon and completely ignore me. I wish there was a mutual friend I could confide in who knew her well enough to perhaps have some influence, but there isn't anyone. What should I do?

[ladyWordy]

Protect yourself, first and always. 

Even if you could talk to her face to face, or in some way that could not possibly be traced back to you, she might just tell him 'x has been in touch'. So since there's a risk this odious individual could locate and harass you again, it isn't worth ruining your life again, as well as hers. In other words, IMO - don't even think about it, for your own mental and physical health.

She's got to make her own decisions, however poor they are. There is no doubt she will be receiving the same treatment you did, and then some. 

It's lovely that you care, but you must come first.

[wannaBe]

you were with him for a few months, she's been with him for six years. Tbh I think it's highly likely she knows him better than you do.

Also, you were teenagers. Yes he may have turned into an abuser but equally he may not. We all do things as teens which we perhaps don't carry forward into adulthood. She has to live her own life...

[Xales]

You are kidding right?

You were only with him a few months. You have no idea if he has even thought of you the last 6 years or looked at anything to do with you! You are the one actually going around looking at people he has in his life via facebook. He had the potential to be an abuser in your opinion. He didn't actually harm you in any way. He could have just been young and pathetic.

He has been with this woman for over six years and you want to stir up a massive hornets nest by saying you think he was a potential abuser!

You are wondering how much he may have escalated with out any knowledge or proof that he has in the slightest and imagining what a shit life she and any potential/mythical children may have had.

Leave alone.

[fairtomiddling]

You're right, I am probably making mountains out of molehills in my head - hopefully he has grown up a lot and they will be very happy together. I think I am dramatising things because I read such heartbreaking stories on MN and can so vividly picture him being that kind of man, but I must say I'm relieved that the concensus (sp?) so far seems to be that I should keep my nose out!

[LydiasMiletus]

You are not helping anyone by getting involved. If he is abusing her, do you think a long forgotten ex interfering will help?
And what if he isn't? Can you imagine somebody be telling you your lovely husband to be could be an abuser. Especially since abuse didn't happen and there is no proof.
You will cause hurt and make yourself look very stalkerish.

[Inadeeptrance]

If it was a very new relationship I perhaps would warn her, but after six years, I'm guessing she would already be well aware of what he is like, so I'd steer well clear tbh. I'd also block him on fb, then he simply won't see you at all.