'Calm down'

[HappyAsEyeAm]

OK - this is not a biggie when compared to other threads and experiences in this topic, and I recognise that. But it is driving me mad.

Whenever I tell DH about something he has done or said that I am unhappy with, his response is always 'calm down'. I honestly feel that i am calm when I am talking - and the fact that I know that he is going to say 'calm down' makes me make more of an effort to keep my voice even and talk slowly. And its not like I am constantly raising things, I don't think I am a critical person.

It infuriates me. And I feel that something is happening that I cannot put my finger on. I don't know what to say to him when he says this, and I feel myself losing my cool. And of course then he feels justified in having told me to calm down.

Any advice please?

[crackcrackcrak]

I used to reply 'I'm not calmed up'

It's v annoying and patronising yanbu

[ChitchatAtHome]

If I kept getting that sort of a response I think I'd reply with a very heated 'if you bloody patronize me like that again you will REALLY see what I look like when I'm not calm!'

[pictish]

Agree with the other two. He's deflecting attention away from his wrongdoing by putting the spotlight on you instead. Bollocks to that....annoying as fuck!

[ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm]

I'd reply 'Its only a commercial' .. sorry! But yes he is treating you like a child...

[Beamur]

I went on a course a little while ago about how to deal with and deflect violence and aggression.
If someone is het up, the last thing you should say to them is 'calm down'. It is known to escalate the situation!
If you know it pushes your buttons though, you can do something about it - he has learnt that if he says this, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy - so you need to approach differently and get smarter than him!

[Squeegle]

Of course it is annoying! Saying calm down to someone is tantamount to winding them up with an enormous clockwork key! Surely he must understand this. If not he needs to fast!!

[Beamur]

Just tested this on my DP - he's having a bit of a clumsy night and has dropped a couple of things, dinner is taking an age to cook (he's had no wine tonight either) so is a little frazzled. He just leant over me to plug in his Kindle to charge and couldn't get the plug in and got all cranky, so I said 'Calm down dear' and he gave me total evils. Yup, it's a reeeaaally good way to make someone less calm.

[ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm]

No matter how ugly things get, no matter how angry you feel, there is one thing you must never, ever, ever say to a woman:

"Calm down."

Aaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhhh there is nothing more belittling or aggravating than a guy who tells you to calm down.

First of all, I am calm. You don't want to see not calm...........

Basically, my DP knows that telling me to calm down is basically going to work as well as trying to baptise a cat

[headinhands]

You could argue that it's gaslighting. He's saying it to make you question yourself or to just spin it round so the focus is on you. Maybe pick a calm moment (no pun intended) and explain how when he says it, it looks like he is trying to make you think you're being unreasonable.

[ladyWordy]

Something is happening - it's called being patronised... (grrr)

A few responses -

• What evidence do you have that I am not calm?
  

• or, I will calm down when YOU calm down (dear). He is meant to reply 'but I am calm', to which the response is 'so am I, so here's what we need to discuss...'
  

Of course he might tell you to take a running jump, but then at least he's had a taste of being told to calm down himself. And you may have a clearer idea of what he's trying to do.


( @ Things and the prospect of baptising a cat!)

[HighNoon]

Nothing more likely to piss you off - this explains why

[ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm]