Removing unwanted PITA

[PMMummy]

Yet another morning of getting up with the DCs (4 and 2), coming down to a party for one scene of takeaway menus on the floor, empty wine glass left, clothes when he's fallen asleep on the sofa. All after yet another "afternoon sesh", not seeing his children before they went to bed or me for that matter.

It isnt the first time, its a regular occurrence and one I am bored). I am nearly 36 and the thought of spending another 40 years with this man (having already spent 15) is quite frankly not an option. I am increasingly left to look after the children, I work 3 days, have 2 off so therefore on a weekend I tend to have had the children 3 or 4 days in a row before returning back to work and working 12 hours on my first day back. I am basically a single mother but married, something which a lot of people can probably identify with.

What makes it worse is that he doesnt appreciate me or anything I do for him (basically everything), and when he has had a beer or two the truth comes out. Last night's speech was how he would love to leave me and if it wasnt for the children he would be gone. Nice, eh. So I have a crap husband and a crap marriage which needs sorting.

However, when he finally gets out of bed today, there will be no progress, he never wants to progress the matter, just moans on about how bad it is/I am. I have asked him to move back to his parents for a short time, he refuses.

So what on earth do I do ? There is no question of me moving out of our home, this is my childrens home and I will increase my hours to ensure that that stays the case, but how on earth do I get DH to go ?

[NorksAreMessy]

LTB

Seriously, you know you want to.
Where is the fun, the support, the joy, the shared experiences, the making memories for the future, the LOVE?
This is not a partnership.
You may need some legal advice about remaining in the family home with the children, and what the options are. Unfortunately some men will cling on to a woman and to the status quo, even if I is making nobody happy.

I wish you success, and do keep posting. There will be lots of people along to encourage and support.

[Sparkletastic]

Pay for an initial consultation with a solicitor. You sound like you have entirely understandably reached the end of your tether with this pointless man. You just need to sort the practicalities - good luck.

[PMMummy]

Thank you for your replies. I was wondering about couples counselling etc but I doubt he'd even attend or we would be so far apart in our reasoning, it would be pointless. I hate the thought of the children being brought up in two separate homes by their parents, but in staying in the marriage I am sending very wrong messages to my children (both girls) about roles within the home etc. And I also want a life !!!! Some fun, good times, not just stuck here like a drudge until I look over my shoulder and the children have left home and I'm 60.
Lots to think about.

[Glaringstrumpet]

Have not been through this but things must change for you.

First thing would be to find out what the financial situation would be if he left and how do you get him out etc. Speak to citizen's advice bureau and solicitor so you know what is what then progress from there.

He says he is staying for DCs which is laughable when he is behaving like a single 16 year old. You would be doing him a favour to make him stand on his own two feet.

DCs being brought up in two happy homes sounds fine to me.

[MorrisZapp]

Jeez, that sounds grim. You need to boot this man out of your life and your home.

I'm not sure what the best way forward is legally, perhaps see a solicitor? But first you need to tell him that your relationship is over. Don't ask for an apology, don't discuss the rights and wrongs. Just tell him you no longer wish to be married to him.

It will be tough but you can totally do it. Just think of the shiny new life that awaits after you have dealt with this loser. Good luck!

[SobaSoma]

PM I'm divorced and DD (now 12, she was 7 when we separated), has been bought up in two separate households. It's worked, she's far happier than if we'd stayed together (as am I) and has a great relationship with her dad. Things aren't working out with his current partner apparently and it looks like they're about to split but he told DD that "she's the most important person in the world and her happiness is what matters most." She is secure and loved although has a somewhat tainted view of relationships :(

Follow the practical advice you've had and make a plan for removing this PITA from your life. Good luck, you have much to look forward to (divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me).

[Proudnscary]

Only you know if couples counselling is worth a try - ie whether this is a case of letting things drift, not communicating or connecting and could be fixable. I guess I would say it is worth a shot. And/or if you actually sat him down when you are not arguing and told him you want to end the marriage what do you think his response would be? Do you think it's what he really wants? Is it what you really want - have you just had enough now or if he sat up and listened and changed his ways would you want the marriage to continue?

I think the bleakest part of your post is that he doesn't seem to want to spend much time with the children. I could forgive a man who has a 'sesh' regularly as long as it didn't impact on the kids and he was devoted to them.

[Proudnscary]

Glaring - if the dc are brought up in two happy homes. There seems to be a myth on here that if you split up then your children will necessarily be in a happier space. Unfortunately that is not my experience at all after my parent's divorce.

OP - meant to add, I think your h's treatment of you is just awful. No-one should have to live like this, with a selfish man-child who refuses to see the house and children as a joint responsibility. But as above I do think it's worth asking yourself and him if there is something to save and whether he is prepared to change.

[PMMummy]

Proud - I totally agree, everyone likes to get out with their friends, let their hair down. I, like most people, choose to do that at 8pm once my children are in bed. DH however prefers the opposite - I mean why spend the day with your children after working all week when you can be in the pub by 2 ?!?! Or a fortnight ago when he went on a boys day out to the races .... at 8am, returning 1am. See what I'm up against - a very very selfish man.

I agree with all your thoughts, unfortunately on my phone so can't type and cross reference at the same time !

[PMMummy]

I too have a slight worry about being brought up in two 'happy' homes. My home would undoubtedly be, but what would their fathers be like - a man who works all week, weekends watches the football etc etc etc - fobbed off on grandma ??? Not a good thought really.

[nkf]

My ex is a better father after our divorce. Before I did everything. My not being there meant he had to do things.

Not saying that will happen in your case. Sometimes people are toxic but in my case, it was the relationship that was toxic.

Just keep thinking about it. And speak to a lawyer. That won't commit you to anything. It will give you some information though. I saw a lawyer a few years before actually filling for divorce.

[PMMummy]

nkf - my h is like your ex, he too will do things if I am not here, he has taken days off over the summer period when I've worked and done just fine, but when I'm home he will sit forever and let me do everything. I think, like yours, our relationship is toxic. We had bad incidents years before the children - and deep down I should have left then.

[belindarose]

I've just started a thread similar to yours. Although my DH has never said anything unkind. Reading yours, I thought it sounded like it was the end for your relationship. I'm scared that means the same for me.

You sound braver than me. I totally get your point about how your children are growing up seeing roles within a family. That really bothers me. I didn't expect to be a wife like this...

[Proudnscary]

PMMummy - sorry your h is so selfish. Of course there are limits to what anyone can and should take. And if things are utterly untenable for you then you have to split up.

I just bristle when I see poster after poster saying 'you and your dc will be happier without this man'. Yes possibly.. (and definitely if the man in question is emotionally or physically abusive)...but not always. Children are often devastated by divorce and when new partners are brought into the equation it can be very hard. Kids can appear to be perfectly happy but feel quite the opposite inside. I know I did as a child - I thought I had to pretend to be happy because everyone else seemed so pleased with the new situation and I was bombarded with people telling me how wonderful it was I had two houses, two bedrooms etc etc.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

PMMUmmy,

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?.

It may come to pass that your children eventually decide that they do not want to see their dad very often or at all because they have come to see him as a waste of space. I would not put it past him though to be difficult either when the legal process of separation gets under way (he is being difficult now by refusing to move out; after all he gets what he wants out of this relationship i.e you running around after him and doing everything) and he may use the children as weapons against you.

Pull the rug from under this manchild. Seek legal advice asap and get this immature and selfish manchild out of your day to day lives. It is better to be alone than to be badly accompanied.

[PMMummy]

belinda, I have just read your post and I'm sorry you're having a crap time. It can be very lonely living with shit husbands when you have children, you just go into robot mode and do everything for the children and nothing for yourself. You say I sound braver than you, when my DCs were born I was in your position, so maybe braveness comes with increased pissed off-ness!

[PMMummy]

Attila- sitting down and looking at him now he has surfaced, I don't want anything else from the relationship - I actually don't fancy him at all and not sure if I'm in love with him, doubt it.
If I were to stay in the relationship for the sake of the children living in a mummy/daddy house, then look at what I would be giving up - question is, can I do that. I'm sure I could live a half life but I'm quite sure the DCs would be on edge etc if the status quo continued.

[pinknails]

Hi don't really have much to add except encouragement.
Your situation sounds almost identical to mine last year with emotional abuse and controlling behaviour thrown in for g ood measures.
Last year something snapped and I had agree that you do become braver over time.
I made decision to leave and almost over night become me again. I too had been in robot mode.
My ex wouldn't do decent thing and let me stay in house but I got lovely flat sorted my finances and moved on.
Since I left I have lost 3:5 stone and am so happy.
It's been extremely hard and Im in tears at times. It's scary but is also uplifting and one of the most positive things I've done.

Do your research. find out about help etc and talk to good friends. That really helped me. If you do decided to leave you you will find the strength.

Good luck you'll get there.
Xxxx

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Definitely book an appointment with a solicitor. I think you've decided that things need to end and all that's holding you back is fear of the unknown, lack of information. A step as simple as walking through the door of a solicitor's office can a very significant mental hurdle taking you from 'can I do this?' to 'why not?'

[nkf]

ProudnScary. I know what you mean. It can sound too glib to say leave and I worry about my children all the time. The guilt is overpowering sometimes.

[Proudnscary]

I'm sorry nkf . Parenting - and life - can be utterly overwhelming and difficult sometimes. I am sure you do your absolute best and your children know they are loved and cherished. I have a solid marriage but I have guilt about loads of other things, believe me. It's so far from being clear cut.

[SobaSoma]

Proud I'm sorry about your own experience of divorce but I'm a few of us are only trying to help by offering up our own positive experiences. I don't think anyone is saying that it ALWAYS works out better for the children if parents split up but where there's a great deal of unhappiness and resentment in a household my belief is that this can damage them more than if the parents split. As PM puts it, they'd "be on edge if the status quo continued" and she'd be living a half-life. Awful.

[TheNorthWitch]

I used to wish my parents would divorce. It was a battleground with us kids in the middle. Very toxic and unhealthy relationship which affected everyone negatively.

[SundaysGirl]

You know people often talk about worry that the children will be effected if the father does not live there anymore and does not put in the effort. My father lived with us until I was in my mid teens and was absent in pretty much every respect. He spent his time down the pub and so on..do you really think kids don't notice that their parent is not interested, just because that parent has the same roof over their head? They do notice. I always find it strange when people think asking someone to leave who is already absent to their children in every way but where they live is going to be any worse ofr the kids.