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Parents and new partner don't get on

5 replies

RedWallflower · 02/09/2012 00:55

I'm a single mum with 3 dcs. Left my marriage due to ex having a drink problem. Now I'm heavily reliant on my parents for practical, and emotional support. I have a new boyfriend (9months) whom my parents dislike, mainly due to their concerns as to his motivations to be with me. On paper, I earn more, in a stable job, and I'm building my own house. He is a divorcee, and is being made redundant at Xmas, but has good job prospects and a decent pension/payout is expected. They've never taken to him, and my relationship with my parents is suffering. My boyfriend is upset that he's not been accepted, and this in turn is causing problems between us. My folks are usually great at helping out, but if they know it's related to time with my boyfriend, they may refuse, or get huffy. I have tried to separate my relationships with both sides, but it's stressful, and probably not sustainable long term. I'm not sure how to deal with this! Many thanks for your advice!

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Aussiebean · 02/09/2012 01:11

Hi red.

Sorry about your situation. I had that with one of my exs. They were right in hind sight but my brothers weren't very impressed either, but didn't say anything and they were there for me when it ended.

I think you need to try and step out and look at this situation as if it's a girlfriend. Have the parents always been like this about every boyfriend? If not, then the fact they are now might mean you need to have a good look at your BF to see if they have a point.

If they have always done this, then they probably like the fact you rely on them so much and don't want you to leave them.

Parents and friends often see things you don't in your loved up state. So maybe talk to your girlfriends about it. You say he has job prospects but you haven't said anything about how he treats you, how supportive he is, how he is with your children. So we can't really help in that area.

The important thing is that theyay not like him. But they can't be rude to him. And vice versa. He might be aware they don't like him but he needs to be very polite to them and not give them any reason to be right. He can't stop you or your DCs from see your parents. If he does then your parents are right.

As I said. You have said what he is like so it's all conjecture.

But if you do stick it out with man, make sure that your assets are legally protected. Even if he IS the most adorable man ever. You need to protect your babies financial future.

I am on an iPhone. So hope this makes sense.

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Aussiebean · 02/09/2012 01:15

Just re read that. Sorry

Happy to clarify if you can't work it out.

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RedWallflower · 02/09/2012 01:28

Thanks Aussie,

He's very kind, thoughtful, we enjoy the same things, he's funny. He says he's serious about me, and has met my children. He seems to get on fine with them. I've met his children too. He says he's never been with anyone whose patents dislike him. He seems to understand I need to be on good terms with my parents and accepts that. He is a people-person, who gets on with everyone.

My parents are lovely, but quite narrow minded, and perhaps judgemental, maybe have "small town mentality". They seem to treat me like the 17 year old girl, that last lived with them, not the almost 40 year old woman I am now. I love them, but am beginning to wonder if they were emotionally unavailable when I was a child, making me want to please them for attention. My Dad missed out on my childhood, as he was a workaholic, I'm in awe of him, and he can be difficult to talk to. My mum was a SAHM, and at times, socially inept. But she would do anything for me. They are worried he's a user. Regarding my previous partners, they haven't especially got on with any of them, and it's a running joke between me and my DB.
I just want them to accept him, and have spoken to them about it, they know it upsets me. So they are civilised.

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Aussiebean · 02/09/2012 01:50

Well from what you said it sounds like they are struggling to accept you are a grown women, even with children.

As long as both sides are polite to each other and there is no pressure to push the other away, you are just going to have to wait until they get used to the idea.

Your BF will just have to accept that it isnt that they dislike HIM, but that they don't like the idea of him, and he could be anyone and they still wouldn't like him. I'm a teacher and the best thing I worked out was that the kids disliked the teacher. Not me, aussiebean the person. you can't take that personally.

I also reiterate protect yourself legally. It is not because I think he is a bad guy. It's just that reading MN has opened my eyes to the fact that unmarried partners have way less rights then married. Was a bit of a shock when i realised. and a lot of people I know didn't realise it either. So when your house is ready. Make sure he(or anyone) can't claim it.

Plus it would ensure your parents have less to complain about.

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RedWallflower · 02/09/2012 07:44

Thanks Aussie. I wish my folks would stop treating me like a kid. I have spoken to them about it. I also think I have a massive guilt complex that they've done so much for me, that I need to act the way they expect as pay back. Whilst I am grateful for the practical help they've given me, I wish I didn't feel it comes with strings attached. I would love to have a partner my parents liked. They did initially like my ex, as he was a very charismatic man, but obviously when things started to go wrong, then that changed. Although, even to this day, and despite my dad knowing about the DV involved, he still tells me he didn't dislike him the way he took an instant dislike to new man. Which I find staggering! I know I will just have to accept the status quo, but it's hard.
Me and new man had talked about going away for a wee break, but it's unlikely my parents will look after my eldest who's at school as they know it's with him. This is what new man fell out with me about last night. He says he feels let down, end disappointed. And he went home to his house instead of him staying here. This has happened once or twice, where everything is fine, then it all comes out, and I can't abide the fact it's always a shock to me that he's worried about it do much, when he usually says its fine. This type of behaviour does make me feel pulled in one direction. There was other things, he said it was the anniversary of a few friends deaths, and he wasn't good company. I respected this, and he went home. But I hate when people make excuses for their moods like this. Or am I expecting too much?