Started seeing someone else :-(

[Zanshins]

I've been with my partner for almost 3 years. Never really been 100% happy but plodded along with it because we like the same sort of stuff. Country walks, gigs etc - we were good company for each other.

But I don't fancy him and it's getting harder and harder to pretend. He's overweight, dresses really scruffy and never makes an effort. He has no ambition, works for minimum wage and instead of making the effort to find a better job, he sits there trying to work out what benefits he can claim to get more money.

We don't live together and probably never would.

I've been wanting to break up for ages but can never bring myself to do it, I feel too guilty as he's always arranging stuff for us to do, horse trekking, shows, meals out etc and everytime I work myself up to tell him, he suprises me with something and I feel too guilty. I stupidly believed I'd never meet anyone else anyway so it would be easy just to "make do" and plod along with this joke of a relationsip.

However I have recently met someone. We've been out for a few drinks and he's taking me for a meal at the weekend. We have not slept together so technically, I have not "yet" cheated but I can so see it going that way and I feel sick with guilt.

I tried to tell him tonight but he started going on about how he's booked a steam train thing for us and how excited he is and I just couldn't do it.

How do I break it to him without being a cow?

[SquashedSquirrel]

I don't know what the answer is, my first thought was simply this, how would you feel if he had done the same thing to you with someone else? ie how many times have you seen the OM ie you state a few drinks?

You could've ended it with your DP if you'd really wanted to. It's doesn't sound as if you've just met the OM in the last couple of days, more that you've seen him a few times and would like something to develop. You're also stringing him along!

I know this is going to sound harsh but whilst your relationship with your bf may not be great, you've already acted like a bit of a cow.

[jynier]

Zanshins - Be honest with him and sever the relationship. You should never stay with someone through pity. Good luck!

[arthurfowlersallotment]

He sounds like a nice man. Surely he deserves someone who really wants to be with him? In the long run it's kinder to end it now. Make sure you're sure though, as it's usually hard to go back. If I were in your situation I would tell him straight, face to face that you are unhappy and feel the relationship is going nowhere and you should both go your seperate ways. Don't give him false hope in a bid to soften the blow.
Afterwards, don't contact him. Give him time to heal.

Breaking up with someone will always make you feel like a shitty person, it's unavoidable. But it would be more cruel to deprive this man of the chance of love with someone who feels the same about him.

Good luck.

[Zanshins]

I've been wishing he WOULD start seeing someone else. I wanted him to break up with me. Coward I know but I pity him so much which I know is really patronising. He has aspergers so has no real friends - the one friend he does have he tries to make excuses not to go out with because he just wants to stick with me all the time. I'm "easy" for him, he doesn't have to try and act "normal" with me but I'm sick of not being listened to and ignored and having to repeat everything and explain jokes etc. And then I got talking to this other man, we had a lot in common and he has a decent job (not the money I'm bothered about, it's ambition. I have enough of my own money, I don't need anyone elses). He takes pride in his appearance. He's not scared of everything, he stands up for himself, he can take a joke and make a joke, he really listens when I speak, he doesn't let the door go in my face because he's become distracted by a dinner menu(!!!)

We've been out twice. First time was just as friends. Second time was definately flirty and a bit more going on but nothing physical. I do want more though. I really like this guy but I hate hate hate the fact that I'm not being straight with him because I know I'm going to end up losing him when it all inevitably hits the fan.

[MooncupGoddess]

This sounds familiar Zanshins, have you posted about it before?

For the outsider the answer seems pretty obvious - dump the boyfriend you've been unhappy with for ages, then see if something develops with the other man.

Are you worried about being single if the other man doesn't work out, is that the problem?

[Zanshins]

no not posted about it before but have posted on the aspergers threads.

I don't fear being single, if it doesn't work out with om that is fine, I have lots of friends and hobbys so definately don't need either of them. I just hate to hurt people but realise I do much worse as a result and I feel so bloody trapped.

[arthurfowlersallotment]

regardless of the other man, OP, you need to walk away from your current relationship.

[MooncupGoddess]

Oh sorry, must have been someone else with a similar problem.

You're hurting your boyfriend by staying with him when you don't really want to, you know. The current situation is not great for either of you.

[ImpatientOne]

What arthur said

You know this really, just be brave it's got to be done

[PissyDust]

Don't be a monkey Zan.

Break it with him and then start to move on, don't cheat on him

[yellowraincoat]

Break up with him, but maybe in time, you could be friends?

He sounds like he would be a nicer friend for you than partner.

[TellyBug]

"I'm really sorry... It's over. I think we could be friends but this relationship isn't doing it for me. It's over. I'm sorry. Can I get you a strong drink?"

Good luck!

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

You know what you've got to do. Man up and do it!

[Mumsyblouse]

Ok, you didn't really like him for ages, now you are being horrid.

You are with him out of pity and because you are a bit cowardly.

You despise him, don't fancy him, don't want to be with him- don't you think he has a right to know that, and to be free to find someone else to be with, or even just to be on his own without someone not liking him?

The other man may or may not be right for you, but this poor guy will be devastated if you cheat on him, a lot worse than if you just end it in the next day or two and then move on rather quickly (he doesn't need to know that).

I may be wrong, but wouldn't most people with Aspergers be like everyone else, and want friends or lovers who like them and want to be with them. He may not be picking up on the clues you don't want to be with him anymore, but that's no reason to string him along.

Get on with it- he can find a friend or just not go to the steam train event.

And remember, you may think he's a loner, no friends, no chance of another relationship, but he did find you. Let him get on with making new friends or a more solid relationship with someone who likes him the way he is.

[Dprince]

Your description of him is really terrible. I feel sorry for him, if a man started complaining his wife was over weight and scruffy he would get a flaming from most and rightly so.
leave him, he is better off alone rather than with someone who thinks he is pitiful and is cheating on him. You may not have slept with this man but you are cheating. There is no excuse for cheating. You are not doing an honourable thing.
Do you think he would rather you left, or stayed, cheated then left?
Its rubbish being in a relationship you are not happy in. Leave him for everyone's sake.

[Mumsyblouse]

And, whilst I appreciate that people can be odd/dress funny/have poor social skills, I know plenty of people with Aspergers who do have friends and relationships, if you set him free, he can get on with finding people who like the same things/respond better to him. He's relying on you as you are there, if you get out of the situation, he'll have to go and find other people to spend time with- and believe me, there will be other people who like him.

And- you can then check out this other guy, but take your time, you do sound rather desperate to be in any relationship, you went out with a guy you never really liked for three years, is being on your own really that bad?

[Lueji]

You are not horrible for ending things with him.
You will be if you let it go on.

[hidingbeneathanamechange]

Do the decent thing and leave your partner before you cheat on him. What you are doing is cowardly and despicable. When men do this they are slated.

[Alurkatsoftplay]

It is hard to break up with someone nice. You have to do it though.
Just be straightforward and clear; I'm sorry this isn't working etc etc.
Remember, it leaves him with the chance of meeting someone who will fancy him and that is the fair thing to do.

[Abitwobblynow]

Please do the right thing.

Be clear, and firm. Don't wobble or say anything to confuse him. Don't give him hope, and don't agree to see him as friends.

[SarahStratton]

Just tell him, now before he gets even more hurt. You are already cheating on him, it's not just the actual sex that makes it cheating.