I'm being jealous and controlling, I just can't help myself.

[31down]

So sorry for long post. A bit of background - I've been together with dh for 6 years, we have one dc age 2 and another due in September.

There's been quite a lot going on, for months now my dh has been under a lot of pressure at work due to risk of being made redundant, having to re-apply for restructured jobs, have interviews and complete tests and he says morale at work has been really low. Meanwhile he had been applying for lots of jobs but to no avail. The good news is that this week he's found out he's got one of the new job roles and he's safe. But he has been making himself nearly ill with the stress of it all.

During these months things I feel have been going downhill between us. I just feel like a connection has been lost. He's always working, we're both tired and stressed. I'm 31 weeks pregnant and have SPD so am struggling with things. Recently when he's been off work in the evening he might have a good drink - leading to us not really getting much time for good sex or intimacy, because he falls asleep on the settee or just puts me off by being annoying.

For some reason around 3 months ago I started feeling insecure about things and checked his phone, discovering a browsing history of pictures of women in tights, search terms of mature, pantyhose and even transsexual. All just galleries of pictures rather than downloads of videos. NOTHING brutal, or involving children, animals etc. All quite tame really. Anyway this made me really jealous and I started looking everyday, to the point where I would know when he was wanking (I'd say it was about 5 times a week). A couple of times I realised he'd been locking himself in the toilet to do it when I had been around. I started thinking that if he hadn't wanked that day he would be wanting to have sex with me and that he was replacing sex with it. I have not been satisfied in bed recently either and I think we are both not putting much effort in at the moment.

We spoke about it a couple of times, under the rouse that I had accidently pressed back on his internet and seen what he'd last viewed. At the time, he reassured me that everything's fine, he fancies me, loves me and that it is something which to him requires no thought it is just an urge to fulfill. He says he always has had a high sex drive but it is a completely separate and unimportant thing from our relationship. He got annoyed one time I brought it up and said I was trying to control him.

The conversations we had made me feel better for a short time but in the end the thought of him doing it still drove me mad so I changed the settings on his phone to stop the pictures loading fully on webpages. He now can't view the type of stuff he was viewing before - he is not very good with technology. Recently though I think he twigged I had been looking at his phone, so put a pin on it. Because he now can't use the internet he has downloaded a really soft crap application with women being suggestive on it, I left it on there as I don't want him to know that I have worked his pin out. I have continued to search his phone for things - his messages, his internet history, his call logs, any downloads, emails, facebook. If I find a number that's not saved I drive myself mad thinking who it could be and what it could have been about. I have even phoned a number to see who answers - it was just a man, probably a friend/colleague.

Today I have convinced myself he's trying to wank in secret and have barged into the bedroom/bathroom 'accidently' to see if he is. (I think I actually caught him out in the bedroom - he had just gone to bed as on nights and he had his phone under the covers and both hands.) He was flustered but had also worked out that I have been trying to catch him out all day because he said I've got to stop creeping up on him and isn't it funny how I've just happened to appear 3 times today when he's tried to be alone.

This was the final straw to make me write on here and ask for help. What I am doing is terrible and I know it. It's an invasion of his privacy, it's controlling, manipulative and jealous. I know this but I am obsessed by it and don't know why.

I'm feeling really insecure, fat, and unloved. I feel like there's no affection. We get irritated with eachother a lot, we haven't had much quality time together. I feel like he's keeping secrets, I don't trust him even though he's never given me a good reason not to. I wonder if it's to do with being pregnant. I was much more easygoing about everything until recently. I've even thought that maybe this relationship is not going to work and thought about leaving him but I love him and we are just starting out with our family. I know that we need to be strong as a couple because our next dc is due in 9 weeks and that will be a really testing time for us both with having a toddler and newborn. I don't know what to do with myself.

[31down]

I forgot to mention - I have even gone as far as to order a sim card reader for the computer so that I can try to recover deleted messages from his sim card. Putting that down in writing makes me see how awful and suspicious that is.

Please be kind to me, I am in other ways a normal nice person, this is not me at all.

[Offred]

feel for you. It is hard to tell what is causing this, as you say, unacceptable behaviour. What do you think has provoked the suspicions?

[ecclesvet]

You need to show this thread to your partner, and explain to him that you need help. This behaviour has gone beyond controlling and is now emotional abuse.

[OneHandFlapping]

Do you and your DH actually have sex 31down? What happens if you initiate it? Does he brush you off?

Normally I'd say wanking should be a private matter, but if it's taking the place of sex with you, I can understand why you feel insecure. The two of you need to talk to each other. If you can't do it without rowing, then Relate might help, before things really deteriorate.

(I'm no fan of porn, but your DH looking for images of mature women in tights seems rather unthreatening - I'd even go so far as to say sweet)

[cybbo]

Could it just be you've gone a bit paranoid and bonkers because of the pregnancy? I remember being the bitch from hell for most of mine and my loyal husband bit his tongue tip rather than point it out

You need to tell your H what you feel you've become and see if you can help each other to feel more secure and less stressed

[31down]

I don't know what provoked suspicion with regard to sex/women, but he was smoking weed which became a problem, and was telling white lies about it like saying he only got ten pounds worth when really it was thirty pounds worth- because i hate it when he gets some, it makes him go in on himself, and not interact. He realised it was causing a problem in our relationship and has now stopped although I think he would probably carry on if he could. He used stress as an excuse.

We do have sex, maybe twice a week. He normally doesn't reject me if I initiate it, about as much as I brush him off if I am tired etc. But there have been times when i think he has said no then gone on to wank but that has been when he's gone to bed after a night shift and I only try it on to test him since this jealousy started.

I know I definitely need to talk to him about it. He is not very good at communicating feelings and often tries to stop me talking saying that Im creating problems that are not there and that everything is fine. He brushes off most serious talks I try to have with him.

Apologies for grammar Im on my phone

[HepHep]

I was like this when I was pregnant, really bonkers. I calmed down afterwards. I got obsessive about XP wanking, and looking at other women. I became convinced that he was going to cheat on me or leave me, and it was somehow only my constant vigilance that prevented this happening.
I had antenatal depression, I realised later. But I think in general pregnancy magnifies everything, it's like living for nine months in a heightened state of emotional sensitivity, and that's not fun.
If you're not normally like this, I'd try and explain how you are feeling to him and seek reassurance. It may be that he is overstepping your boundaries and you feel uncomfortable with his behaviour legitimately, but the pregnancy and the vulnerability that it bestows is changing the way you deal with those feelings, though not giving you the feelings in the first place. If that makes sense.

[Offred]

I just wonder if the weed and the wanking are connected with the pg making everything worse than normal. Has he replaced his medication of stress using weed with medication of stress using wanking? I find it interesting you have brought it up and in both cases stated it detracted from the intimacy in your relationship because of both the disconnecting effect and the lies told surrounding use of it.

It does sound like you may have been a bit overbearing for a while since you can't normally expect that someone will be able to change something integral to their life just because the other person is unhappy with it, normally they need to want to change for them.

Is there an issue with intimacy generally that is making this more important and now excessively desperate due to the pg?

[EmilieFloge]

I don't think it sounds like emotional abuse apart from checking up on him so much, but then I think there are reasons you are doing this.

Yes I agree it isn't right - and will make you feel even worse - and it isn't fair on him, but the thing is, he is acting in a secretive way and using porn and also using drugs and alcohol to put distance between you.

The communication seems to have broken down massively and therefore you're frustratedly trying to establish some communication in alternative, and damaging ways - ie finding out what he is doing because he won't discuss it with you.

I am sorry if I am way off but what is missing here is perhaps what you need to focus on - stop checking up on him, let it go, and see what happens. Instead try and initiate a conversation about trusting him and how difficult it has become for you, because he seems like a stranger almost - and don't assign blame, but maybe suggest some counselling together with relate or something, to try and get back some effective communication.

i wish you luck - reassure him that you love him and want things to be Ok.

[31down]

Thank you for giving me kindness instead of a flaming which I fully expected and probably still will get and deserve.

I do feel that he has been withdrawing from me by wasting our quality time together being drunk or stoned. He has assured me that now the pressure is off re. Job he is going to stop. He knows what he was doing was wrong and damaging. I had to tell him it was getting out of hand and to get a grip. I said i had been thinking of leaving him because he was destroying us. This is all running alongside my checking up on him.

It makes sense that I am in some way trying to find out what's going on because he's not opening up to me at the moment. I do feel completely bonkers and hope that if it is partly a pregnancy thing it will stop soon.

I am really not enjoying this pregnancy, in fact i am hating it. And Im scared how life is going to change for us and if our relationship will last.

[Offred]

It does sound like you may have some depression related to the pregnancy and it may be worth a visit to the doctor. It also sounds as though you are not really working as a team right now and that may be what had triggered some of how you feel about the pregnancy. It sounds like you really desperately need to reconnect, he can't be disconnecting all the time and you can't be criticising all the time, it's no way to live and will make things worse. Pregnancy can be a very stressful time. Do you think you could articulate precisely what some of your fears and stresses are? Were there issues with communication and intimacy in the relationship before the pregnancy?

[31down]

I remember it taking a while for us to work out time for ourselves, a fair way of separating chores in an equal way after our first dc was born. It was a steep learning curve for dh and he had to grow up a lot and has only really just now got out of being selfish over everything. This sounds patronising and i don't mean it to be but that is what happened. So now Im worried that the same thing is going to need to happen with the next one, although in theory we should find it easier having already done it.

On a better note we had quite a good chat last night on the phone while he was at work and i told him i feel that we've lost our way a bit as a couple. He didn't want to mull over it too much, but said he knows and that it's onwards and upwards from here, that we're strong and everything will be ok. We've agreed to make time together soon.

If i am depressed is there anything a doctor could do about it?

Thanks for taking the time to reply.