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Not sure I can do this alone

10 replies

Hormonalhell · 30/05/2012 08:13

[bit long sorry]

Split with DH in Sept last year, could not make it work due to me having an affair with a school friend.

Background: 5weeks after DS was born I got pregnant again, had dd who was just 2 also and had a horrendous pregnancy and birth. DH and I took the decision to terminate the pregnancy, we were not in a financial or emotional state to have this baby so I went ahead.

I regretted it the second had done it and do to this very day just felt so sad each year, birthdays etc. anyway I told DH I wanted him to have a vasectomy(which he agreed to) so this could never happen again.

Anyway over the years I found myself becoming increasingly broody and DH knew this, we discussed reversal but just couldn't afford it.

We split up anyway and both started seeing other people, anyway I am now pregnant (not planned) father not interested as brief relationship. Ex DH not happy of course but said he still cares and wants to help out if he can.

I'm finding myself wanting him back but not sure if it's for right reasons.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/05/2012 08:18

Without wishing to be harsh, you don't seem great at making your mind up and/or living with your decisions. How about taking some time to be yourself and get some stability in your and your children's lives rather than yo-yo-ing back to your ex yet again? Maybe have a plan where you want to be this time next year and go for that, rather than lurching from one unexpected crisis to the next.

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Stormfromeast · 30/05/2012 08:27

I'm with Cogito with this one. If you're not in a stable relationship, it's unfair to bring in a child. Have you thought about contraception? And take time to enjoy yourself.

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Hormonalhell · 30/05/2012 08:58

The baby will be loved and cared for and is wanted I would have made it work with father had he been interested

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/05/2012 09:14

You can make it work independently, yourself. It's more difficult solo but that's not a good reason for getting back with someone just for the sae of being a couple again.

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Hormonalhell · 30/05/2012 09:23

I know it's what I should do, just scared to go through it all alone but I chose to take this path so have to live with it

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/05/2012 09:48

What are you scared of, exactly? I've been a lone parent for exactly 12 years now (my DS turned 12 yesterday) and, whilst there have been ups and downs, I can honestly say that I don't think it would have been all that much easier if there had been a Dad to take into consideration.

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Hormonalhell · 30/05/2012 12:11

Going for scans, the birth, help with care in early days, I was so nervous with my other two when they were babies. Mind u am older n wiser now (40)

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/05/2012 12:44

I don't know how old the older two are but I bet they'll pitch in helping with the new baby. If you're solo and have no-one to lean on you're also less likely to be nervous and more likely to get on with it. I've found friends have been very good support when I've asked. My best friend was my birth partner and also came to various appointments. It was a brilliant experience.

All of it, any of it, can be as good as you make it and is certainly better than reverting back to an ex that you don't sound like you were ever sure of in the first place.

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SparklyRedShoes · 30/05/2012 12:59

I don't think there's any need to cut off a vital thread of support if it's available to you. If your Ex wants to help and still cares despite all your ups and downs then why not let him help? You don't have to rush headlong into a full on relationship again, you can keep a distance until you decide what you want to do later. May be being supportive caring friends to each other for a while will make you both appreciate what you didn't before.

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Hormonalhell · 30/05/2012 16:43

Cogito thanks for your advice it does make sense to me.

Sparkly, yes I think because he was so hands on with our two when babies I just find myself wanting him close by, but he has a girlfriend now so don't think we would get back but knowing he cares about my well being despite what we've been through this past year plus the circumstances with this new baby (not being his) makes me not feel so alone