Do I leave now... or wait?

[lynseyl]

I've just joined this site, simply because I need advice and don't know who to turn to.

My partner of 3 years has twice before joined dating sites and had what I assume to be sexual conversations/flirtations with other women. I discovered photos on computer and questioned him about them, to be told he never met them he was 'just curious'. Things were tricky for a while but I thought over the last ten months or so that he'd got over this temptation as he knows after the last time that if it happens again I WILL leave him.

I've discovered he's doing the same thing again. I want to confront him (who am I kidding I want to hang, draw and quarter him!) but my daughter is taking her GCSE's at the moment and I'm weighing up trying to keep quiet, monitor his activities and then leave him at the end of June when her exams are over. She gets very stressed over exams and I think a relationship breakdown now will be very damaging to her, she needs good grades to get onto her college course in September. Alternatively do I go have it out with him now and leave him?

In the meantime I've joined one of the sites he is on and aim to see if I engage in conversation with him to see how far he intends taking this (is this very wrong as it feels like I'm doing a terrible thing?).

We are in a rented property so I could leave quite easily and without too much hassle, I intend having a good clear out this weekend and to start packing away a few of the things I will be taking when I go.

The really, really sad thing in all of this is that on the surface he is appears to be one of the good guys, lovely and caring, attentive, funny, helpful, and appears to love my daughter to bits, I can't bear to think of the effect our relationship breakdown will have on her.

[OffMyChest]

Take it slowly, think of your daughter and bide your time. Get yourself sorted and craft a plan so that you land on your feet.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Confront him. You're rightly annoyed about it and the atmosphere in your home is not going to be sweetness and light between now and the end of June if you say nothing. Don't try to trip him up by going on them yourself.... two wrongs don't make a right. And just be honest with your daughter. He sounds sexually creepy and I'd be worried about a teenage girl living in a house with a man like that. If you kick him out and peace is restored, she'll probably be far happier and able to revise successfully.

[TheHappyHissy]

Erm... why are YOU leaving?

Your DD is doing her exams, HE is the one that is cheating/about to... HE needs to go.

The relationship breakdown is NOT your DD's life, it's YOURS. You staying in a bad relationship for any reason is setting a VERY poor example to her.

Your DD is nothing to do with your relationship, she is not his child, so you need to show her that if someone treats you with such poor respect, they need to GO, and NOW. Don't make her the reason why you stay in a relationship that is unhealthy. You need to put yourself AND her first and SLING HIM OUT.

Cancel the dating site thing, that's just silly and a total waste of your time. YOU know what he's doing, he's got form. You've GONE through all this before, and he's not respecting you enough to not do it again.

You gave him a chance, it's ONLY 3 years, get (HIM) out NOW before you get too institutionalised and can't get out.

Put your self above this cocklodger. Show your DD how you deal with substandard men. The strength YOU show will help HER grow up to be strong and accept NO shit from crappy men.

Tough talking from me, I know but you really need to pull this twat up on his behaviour.

[TheHappyHissy]

My dad had an affair, and left when I was doing my exams. It did me more good to see my mum NOT take him back than grovel and beg him to stay.

If she doesn't get the grade she needs, she can always retake. It'll be fine, whatever happens. You can't put up with infidelity on your DD's account.

[solidgoldbrass]

Well you're not in danger from the man, he might be a raging fanny rat but you haven't mentioned any abusive behaviour. So it depends how bad you feel ie are you likely to lose it and tell him what you think of him spontaneously, or can you keep a lid on things for the next few weeks.

[AgathaFusty]

Personally, I think that if you can keep the atmosphere good at home, and your daughter is not stressed by wondering what is going on with you and your partner, that you should wait until after her exams. Use the time productively to get everything sorted out that needs sorting, and maybe get another house lined up a bit nearer the time so that the move is as smooth for you and your daughter as it can be.

Like other posters have said though, why are you doing the leaving?

[lynseyl]

Thank you so much for all responding, I feel like I'm not alone in this now, and am sitting here formulating a plan.

My daughter is unaware there is anything wrong, he is acting perfectly normally and I think I must be a good actress as I'm doing my best to act normally too. I'm pretty sure she doesn't know that I'm churned up inside, so I think I will try to hang on here until end of June.

I'm OK with us leaving this place and leaving him in it, its rented and too big and expensive for me on my own, so I will move nearer to my workplace and the college has applied for, and rent a smaller house.

The hardest part will be the sexual side of things, since I discovered his latest escapades a week ago I've pretended to have a period and avoided sex with him but I know this has got to stop today. It will certainly be a test of wills to come up with excuses for not getting intimate, as its been a big part of our relationship, which is why I struggle to understand his need to seek out other women, I could (sort of) understand him wanting gratification elsewhere if we were the 'Xmas and birthdays' sort of couple.

Thanks again for your advice.

[TheHappyHissy]

Oh FFS.

if a man won't take no for an answer, if you are not allowed to NOT feel like it, and you have to scrabble for excuses, can you not hear that this is not what it's supposed to be like?

Why are you settling for so little? Where is your self esteem love?

Wait until you get DD out of the way for a while and calmly tell him what you discovered.

He has not been able to go even a year without signing up to dating sites. This last 3 years has mostly been YOU patching over and ignoring HIS attempts at infidelity.

[lynseyl]

Hissy,

I think you misunderstand what I meant.

I'm trying to act like everything is 'normal' which for us is sex 5 or 6 times a week. I've got my head in a place where I know what I'm planning to do, but I don't want HIM to know my plans.....YET...... not until I'M ready to pull the rug from under his feet! I don't think I've ever turned down the opportunity of sex/intimacy with him, so it will be difficult to act 'normal' while refusing sex.

Amazingly, my self esteem is pretty high all things considered!

[TheHappyHissy]

OK, i see. perhaps I did misunderstand, but given that you DO have it so frequently, you NOT feeling like it IS still OK, you do know that right?

WRT the self esteem thing...

HE wants sex 5/6 times a week, or do you initiate it too?

HE repeatedly cheats, tries to cheat and has never been fully focussed on you, regardless of practically limitless sex.

Can you not see that this dynamic is seriously warped somehow? He's having sex with you and on the same day checking his dating profile? swapping pics and chatting women up?

He has a SERIOUSLY poor view of women doesn't he?

With all the love and respect in the world to you, my love, you sound somewhat 'cockstruck'. he gets ALL this and he STILL shops around for more? WTAF? seriously.

ANYONE is worth more than this bloke.

[lynseyl]

WE have the sex, its not him demanding it, I initiate it as much as he does.

As I said in my first posting, on the surface he seems like one of the good guys, nothing he has done has ever given me cause for concern APART from me discovering the photos of other women, and then the dating site profile a week ago.

Of course I realise this is problem, and he's a prospective cheat (if he hasn't done so already) and I cannot trust him, which is why I'm going to leave.

[WineGoggles]

Lynsey, I?m glad you?ve decided to wait and sorry to hear about your DP. I?m another vote for try to stay put until your daughter has finished her exams; I doubt she'd appreciate the upheaval at such a stressful time for her, and although she could retake them if she fails due to stress it's not very fair. Hmm, not sure what excuses you can use to fob him off sex until you leave so he doesn?t suspect something?s wrong though. How about pelvic pain during sex (and that could take ages to get sorted)?

[solidgoldbrass]

Have thrush?

[TheHappyHissy]

A 'good guy' wouldn't do this internet dating photo/flirting stuff EVEN ONCE, let alone many times and in such a short space of time.

This is not a case of something normal that he does that irritates you, like leaving the toothpaste top off, or squeezing from the middle, or picking his toenails. IF this was a habit he did, that you said annoyed and he carried on doing, regardless, it'd be a case of disrespecting you and the relationship you have.

What he is doing, chatting other women up, signing up for internet dating, swapping photos etc is WORSE, it's a no-brainer that it would piss you off. He knows this. anyone would know this.

And you have told him this. And he has done it again.

And you have told him this. AGAIN. And he has done it now. AGAIN.

You know that the trust has gone, you know what you have to do, and if it's a matter of waiting for a few weeks until you're sorted, and if you think you can do this, then fine.

It will be hard. If you find that you can't do it, then you may have to come clean, tell him you know what he's been doing, tell him that you can't accept it, and tell him that once the exams are over that you will be leaving. If you think that managing the leaving process would be better all round, then that is what I would suggest you do.

Panicking, and beating a hasty retreat is usually fraught with difficulties. At least this way, planning it properly, you get to come to grips with it all and do it on your terms.

I wish you all the best, it won't be easy, we all know that. let us know if you need any hand holding?

[Twiggy71]

I think you should wait until your dd has finished her exams she doesn't deserve the stress of a breakup in the middle of exam time. Why rush now when you have put up with it for so long, start planning your new life for when your dd finishes her exams you will feel stronger for making all the plans.
Know how you feel my ex was on swinger sites doing god knows what it used to make my skin crawl we are now separated thank god!! Good luck with your new life and enjoy..x

[tintoytarantula]

Oh, how horrible and how hard. :( Given that this isn't an abusive situation, just cheating (I do consider this cheating, frankly, even if he hasn't met up with them - sex talk is a sexual act, and he's breaking the rules of the relationship to do it, ergo it's cheating), I think it'd be good to let your daughter get through her exams first if you can. But don't totally martyr yourself to do so. If having sex with him is too much of a headfuck, I agree with others that you could fake a medical problem - recurrent yeast or something? Don't make yourself have sex with him if you honestly don't want to - truly unwanted sex, even if you 'officially' consent, is really really unpleasant.

Good luck. What a crap situation. :(

[fiventhree]

Lynseyl, he isnt going to stop. You know that. My h did the same, but if he did it a second time, he is OUT of the door, Im going nowhere! My DD is doing GCSEs too. Its a tricky one. When is her last exam?

I dont think it is a problem to get him out- it will upset her, but you can tell him he is out, or make plans to leave if it is easier. Then tell him at the last minute, when you have place all lined up, and tell her then too.

I think the last exam for mine is 26th June, and the last day is 27th. If you look for a place now you are unlikely to move much before then anyway.

On the other hand, get him to leave and to hell with it. How much of a father figure is he to her, in any case?

[AnyFucker]

I'll tell you what I would do

I have a dd in the middle of gcse's too

I would wait to tell her what was happening

but no way would I be shagging this low life

tell him that, and tell him why

and if he didn't like it...he goes immediately

[blackcatsdancing]

don't tell DD, its a few weeks to wait, that's nothing. Having to retake exams is awful and could have major repercussions down the line. However if you can't fob him off sexually then i'd let him know you know. You don't have to reveal your plans to leave just say you need time to think about things. Its possible he has some sort of sexual addiction but if you want to leave then not your problem.

[21YrOldMan]

Wait. Another couple of months isn't going to kill you, but might seriously affect your daughter. "oh its fine, she can do retakes" is an EXTREMELY stupid viewpoint given the situation. GCSE's are very unpleasant, doing them twice just isn't funny.

[lynseyl]

Thanks all so much. I am hanging on in until exams over. I have told him I have pelvic pain and need to see doctor this week as the cramps aren't easing. Strangely it's actually quite easy to distance myself from him and as dd either in her room or at a friends a lot of the time she doesn't sense anything is wrong. Already cleared out and dumped a lot of stuff yesterday and got 2 iced packed and hidden. Will keep in touch as it's really helpful to hear from others that he is a rat and this is not how a man who professes to love his partner would treat her. Lynsey

[AnyFucker]

Good luck, Lynsey, you know where we are x