Would someone with aspergers attempt a joke?

[DonkeyRaddish]

Sorry for an ignorant post asking about aspergers as I am the first to admit I know not much of the condition but after reading up on the traits of the aspergers sufferer I have wondered many times if DP has it. He doesn't always respond in conversations, "switches off" because he's thinking of something else, walks away mid conversation. He says inappropriate stuff sometimes (like when our lovely neighbour died DP's first reaction was "oh great, hope we don't get a load of chavs moving in next door". And when a family friend/mechanic got very ill DP said "god i hope nothing happens to Ray, who will do the car up for the MOT?" He ticks all the boxes apart from the fact that he often lies and I've read aspergers people don't/can't lie?

Another thing happened today which is the inspiration for this thread. We were sat in a pub having a sunday roast. DP gets full quite quickly so only ate half of his, I ate most of mine. for a 'joke' he swapped the plates around so it looked like I'd left loads and he'd eaten most of his. Can people with aspergers make jokes because I've read otherwise?? When the waitress came across DP blurted out "oh it was lovely thanks!! I ate loads!!" (in keeping with his plate swapping joke). The waitress of course had no idea he'd swapped the plates so looked rather confused and said "oh right" in a 'that's nice dear' kind of way [embarrassed] I burst out laughing at her obvious confusion and my 13 year old son also saw how hilarious this was and laughed. DP had no idea why were laughing so much and so said to the waitress (he always tries to explain his jokes, even when it's not needed) "I swapped the plates, that's why they're laughing" (that wasn't why we were laughing!) and again she looked confused and said "ok".

Later in the car I said to him "do you realise why we were laughing?" and he said "yes, because I swapped the plates". I said "No, we were laughing because you really confused that poor waitress saying you'd eaten loads!" he then put on a very false laugh and said "Oh yes I see now ha ha ha ha" he sounded like a robot! So does this sound like aspergers or just poor social skills?

[Catsdontcare]

I have no idea if your dh has aspergers but for the record they are perfectly capable of fibs and jokes

[Catsdontcare]

Sorry that sounded a bit abrupt

[DonkeyRaddish]

Thanks Cats, its just that everything I've read up on with aspergers suggests that people with the condition won't get a joke and definately don't make them. He doesn't get complicated jokes but if I say something silly (often something to do with poo or childish stuff like that) he'll find it hilarious.

[TheLightPassenger]

people with AS are individuals, and vary. yes, they can make a joke, and some can lie, though most would struggle to or would struggle to feel comfortable about it. I'm struggling a bit with your explanation of what you found funny, mind, but maybe I had to be there to appreciate it

[MagsAloof]

The 'triad of impairments' ( which are roughly social/emotional difficulties, language or communication difficulties, and rigidity / inability to be flexible in thought) that need to be present for a diagnosis of AS are a spectrum in themselves. Every AS person will have some difficulties in these three areas, but they may manifest in different ways. No two people with AS are alike.

My DS has AS. He loves jokes, has a great imagination and is capable of telling some real whoppers, btw. He doesnt fit the AS stereotype at all. he is a very expressive, emotional, to all intents and purposes 'normal' or NT boy, yet he lacks social imagination and finds it incredibly difficult to understand and adopt social norms and rules - so the world is a very stressful place for him in many ways. Have you spoken to your DH about this? I think you should.

[DonkeyRaddish]

It's hard to explain. The waitress asked if the meal was ok and DP blurted out "oh it was great thanks! I ate loads!" - he said it overly enthusiastically and it sounded so OTT and inappropriate. The shocked/confused look the waitresses face was hilarious. DP didn't notice her response.

[Catsdontcare]

It's a broad spectrum and one size does not fit all so to speak. Like any person you'll never meet to people with aspergers who share all the same traits but may have lots of similarities

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He sounds more like an immature manchild with poor social skills to boot. His attempts at humour are just pathetic and he seems very insecure.

You cannot assume he could be on the ASD spectrum either as he has not been officially diagnosed. What do your friends and family think of your man, their opinion can be instructive.

Why are you with someone like him anyway, someone who is more than happy to drag you down with him?. What is in this relationship for you?.

[defineme]

Sounds very much like the kind of thing my ds might do in a few years time-especially the explaining he's done it -he does that now. He was dx with as at 4-it's hard cos everyone is unique and ds doesn't fit all of it, just enough of the indicators.
The national autistic society website has check lists to see if you might have as. I believe there are some places that dx adults-that Baron Cohen man's clinic does I think. I have seen books for the partners of people with as-I think there may have been a thread on here for people with as partners too.
My ds is adorable (he's 10), but much harder to live with than my other 2 nt kids, if your dh has as then I think reading as much as possible to help you understand him and him understand himself will help a lot. Have you discussed your thoughts with him?
I think a lot of people are 'brushed' with asd, but would never have enough traits to get a dx-my fil for example is very similar to my ds in his anxiety and obsessiveness.That's just my personal opinion though.

[CuttedUpPear]

That's a bit harsh, Attila, the OP doesn't mention being 'dragged down' by her DP at any point - it's just an anecdote and some examples of his character.

[DonkeyRaddish]

To be honest, everyone thinks he's weird. My family think he's weird as he doesn't speak when he sees them or ignores them or blanks them and starts talking about something else. My friends think he's weird and my son thinks he's weird. I try and look past the quirkyness though as I've seen the other side of him. He can be sweet, funny (usually without meaning to be) and generous.

Another thing that got me thinking though is we went to a military adventure place today. DP walks a bit odd, with both his arms hunched up (think t-rex) and his neck hung low. He was using one of the attractions today and I went to get us a coffee. Whilst I was there one of the lads who worked there came across and said to another worker "Do you know if we have smaller helmets around here?" the other worker asked who it was for and the guy said "that bloke over there, think he has special needs" From what I can work out, the guy had asked DP what size helmet he was and DP had responded with "yeah" as he'd become distracted by the tanks. Along with the way he walks I think they assumed he was disabled.

[DinahMoHum]

both my autistic sons have a great sense of humour. My eldest tries to lie, but hes a bit obvious

[DonkeyRaddish]

They also asked him "who are you here with mate?" which suggests they didn't think he should be there alone. Sometimes I wonder what other people see when they look at him and if it's so different from what I see.

I remember once I was waiting in a queue with my cousin and a friend and I saw DP in the distance. Too far away to shout of but close enough to see properly without leaving the queue. I said to the others "oh look, that guy over there in the red jumper, that's 'Mike'". They both burst out laughing and called me an evil cow. They thought I was joking and taking the piss out of some random guy.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

How long have you been together?.

Would your man be willing to have any kind of assessment done?. Has he himself commented on any of his behaviours or are you too frightened or worried to bring up this subject with him?.

He is not going to change regardless of whether he is on the spectrum or otherwise. What if it was determined he is not at all on any spectrum?. Have you spoken to his parents; what do you know about his background, how he got on at school exactly?. Does he work?.

You are by association being dragged down with him as his behaviour is reflecting badly on you. Your family probably wonder what on earth you have seen in him in the first place.

[DonkeyRaddish]

He was bullied through school and was in the special needs classes for most subjects. He got no GCSEs. He also wet the bed until he was 15.

Now his English is terrible but his math skills are MUCH better than mine, he holds down a full time job and drives.

[DonkeyRaddish]

Sorry, we've been together about 8 months. We have talked about aspergers before because I get so cross at him when he ignores me or ruins my attempt at conversation. Last week one night we were in a bar and a specific song came on. I said "oh, this song reminds me of my uncle's funeral " and he replied "oh god. I wonder what time they stop serving food here?"

It was like he knew it needed an "oh dear" style response but didn't comprehend that I might actually want to talk about that.

After a long discussion about aspergers one night he "decided" he did have it and that explained everything and that was that. He won't go for a formal assessment but will now blame everything he does wrong on his undiagnosed condition.

[TheLightPassenger]

I feel for both of you from what you describe - it sounds like hard work for you being in a relationship with him, but also sounds like life is hard for him, if there's so much socially etc he isn't picking up on. Even if he was willing to try and learn about emotions etc (e.g the uncle's funeral situation) it would be understandable if you didn't feel you wanted to be his teacher as well as his girlfriend

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You do not mention whether you have tried to talk to him about his problems with social skills.

He may well have some special needs (again you would need to talk to his parents and they need to be open and honest with you) or be on the ASD spectrum but you cannot make him seek any kind of assessment in the event he does not want to. Does he himself want more support?. TBH adult support for adults with any sort of special needs in the wider world is scant to say the very least and many adults with special needs do not get their needs met.

Do you see your role now within this relationship as one of carer rather than partner?. You need to talk to someone, the NAS or your GP would be a good place to start.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"After a long discussion about aspergers one night he "decided" he did have it and that explained everything and that was that. He won't go for a formal assessment but will now blame everything he does wrong on his undiagnosed condition".

Cross posted. He is now not taking any responsibility for his actions but blames this on undiagnosed AS instead. Why exactly will he not go for any formal assessment?.

You are not responsible for him when all is said and done and he cannot himself diagnose Aspergers. If he will not see someone then you have to carefully consider what your role will be within this relationship.

[WetAugust]

Yes, people with Aspergers can have a very keen sense of humour - my DS is one.

As he was in an SEN class he may well have some form of autism or another un-dx'd condition. In the dark ages about 20 years ago Aspergers was not widely known about so it's highly likely that someone in their 20's or older could be un-dx'd Aspergic.

He could try reading Tony Atwood's Aspergers Syndrome- a Guide for Parents and Professionals and see if that ticks his boxes.

What I do disagree with vehemently is his attitude of blaming everything on his un-dx'd condition.

People with Aspergers are not stupid - in fact they are often of above intelligence and they can learn ways to 'change'. It may not be automatic and may need practise but he could and should be identifying his shortcomings and attempting to overcome them.

[SatinSheets]

Did you say anything when the workers were talking about your DP having special needs? Sounds like an excruciating situation all round.

[threeleftfeet]

A friend of mine has aspergers. She is very funny - intentionally. Sometimes her jokes are somewhat off the mark, but often they're keenly observational. She's into humour.

I don't know her very well, and I've wondered if she's deliberately made humour her thing precisely because people with aspergers aren't meant to understand humour IYSWIM. Or perhaps I'm reading way too much into it and she's just funny!

[OxfordBags]

One of my brothers has Asperger's and he is hilarious - in fact, he's even done some stand-up comedy and done some daft videos for youtube. And when I say hilarious, I do mean intentionally! It's not necessarily the most sophisticated humour around, but he would make you laugh, I bet. And he does lie, albeit in a rather childish way, ie he insists he didn't knock a cup of tea over when 3 people saw him do it, just like a child would because he lacks a certain social sophistication. He's actually a very happy, popular guy, because he is funny and is also straight-talking and, because he is so logical, he is not racist, sexist, homophobic, etc.

Your DP, on the other hand just sounds a bit odd and crap, sorry. He could be NT odd and crap or ASD odd and crap. I don't think being odd and crap can be blamed on any sort of condition.

[colditz]

People with asd are very capable of making jokes. Their jokes might not necessarily fit in with your sense of humour. My son went through a stage of sticking slices of cucumber to things so the looked like a pair of eyes, hiding and shouting "I can see you and you can't see me because I have SALAD EYES!!!!!!!!" .

It was bloody hilarious, but not for the same reasons he thought it was.

[colditz]

It does frighten me, that at a magical joint in my sons life, his behaviour will go from being seen as cute and funny to being seen as creepy, deliberate and wrong. He may not necessarily develop quickly enough to avoid that happening, which will be really hard to watch as his mum.