Disowning family - am I doing the wrong thing?

[jenrose29]

Not sure if this is the right place to post or not but needed some advice. I haven't spoken to my mum for 11 years and am happy that I made the decision not to as she was emotionally/physically abusive. I have kept in touch with my father (separated from my mum) and older sister and up until a few months ago, I probably saw them both once a year, text my sister occasionally and spoke to my dad 3-4 times a year at most. A few months ago, my dad text me telling me that it was my grandads funeral in a few days time. No-one had told me he had died :( My grandad had taken me in when my mum threw me out when I was 15 and my dad disappeared (to the woman he was having an affair with, I suspect) and he and I were close, so I was upset to have not been told he had died. To make things worse, he lived well over 100 miles away and our car had broken down so I couldn't get to the funeral. Neither my sister or my dad offered to give me a lift. I sent a card to my dad saying how sorry I was about my grandad and that I wished I could be there. I've heard nothing from him, besides the funeral text, since Christmas.
As for my sister, she put a comment on facebook about how it was a shame I couldn't be bothered to text her to say I hoped the funeral went well. I responded that it was a shame no-one could be bothered to inform me that my grandad had died! She left another bitchy response, but I figured we are grown women - to communicate like that is pretty petty, so I ignored it. I have heard nothing from her since. I am 31 weeks pregnant, I haven't had a congratulations from my dad or either my dad or sister asking how I am throughout the pregnancy. I have a 4.5 year old DD whom neither my dad or sister know anything about or ever ask about. I know they are not really in it, but I feel like just cutting them out of my life completely. Am I being hormonal and making a rash decision, or do you think I am justified?

[eversoslightlytired]

Hi there, so sorry for the loss of your grandad and for how you family are. I have no experience of this type of situation but didn't want your thread to go unanswered. Even though I don't know what you are going through, all I can say is would it really make a difference to your everyday life if you did cut all ties? If they are not in it anyway, how could it be worse if you decided enough is enough?

Congratulations on your pregnancy (not long to go now!) and I hope you have a very loving and supportive DP/DH who is taking care you.

[jenrose29]

Hi, thank you for your reply :) That's the thing - I'm not going through anything. I don't miss having them in my life because they've never been in it, cutting all ties would make no difference to my life. I just figure that I don't want my DD and new baby to be upset/confused by my family's lack of interest when my partners family is very involved. I think it would be easier for them to understand if I just didn't have a family full stop. A couple of years back, my dad had a girlfriend who had two children that were similar ages to myself. The daughter had children and my dad and his gf saw them very regularly, spoke to them all the time, my dad babysat for her, they had pictures of them all over their house, he bought them books and read to them etc - everything a grandfather should do. I wrote him a letter asking how he thought my daughter would feel that he knows nothing about her, makes no effort to visit her/ask after, has no pictures of her and so on. I told him that he could either make an effort to be properly involved with myself and my daughter, or not bother at all. He (eventually!) called and said I was being stupid. He ended up breaking up with the girlfriend, but still speaks to and sees her children and grandchildren....! But not me and my daughter. As my family have always been useless, I am extremely independent but yes - I do have a great DP who makes me and the children very happy :) He supports me whatever my decision which I am grateful for.
It just makes me sad that the majority of times he has seen my daughter have been on her birthdays and then only. He has turned up hours late to her parties, talked about himself and made little effort with her. However, despite not seeing him or speaking to him for a year, she is lovely with him and has never treated him any differently to my partners father whom she sees all the time. He doesn't appreciate her one bit, and I don't want her growing up to think that she, in some way wasn't 'good enough' as he also makes the effort to go and see my sister and her daughter more than myself and mine.

[eversoslightlytired]

The only thing I can think is that if you do it now, eventually your DD and future DD/DS will not know any better. If you leave it go on longer your daughter will start to realise that her relationship with her grandad is not the same as her relationship with your DP's father.

I have a DS who is coming up to 5yo now and he is starting to get incredibly observant, and comes out with things that astonishes me as I hadn't realised that he had heard/noticed such things and that he could understand what they meant.

Perhaps it would be a bit like pulling off the plaster. The quicker it is done the less it hurts in the long run??

[jenrose29]

Yes, that is what I am thinking. DD hasn't seen my dad for over 6 months and it's been over a year since she saw my sister and her daughter so perhaps now is the time to do it and eventually she'll forget them. There seems little point in my sister and dad getting in touch once my baby is born (if they even bother) and perhaps showing their faces then, only for my older DD to be reminded of their existence and for them to then disappear again. It just seems incredibly false to me to only be in touch with family at birthdays, Christmasses, births and deaths - and even then at the bare minimum!