need some help and advice please

[shorty100]

I'm feeling a bit stuck and don't have anyone in rl to talk to about this, been lurking for a while and finally decided to post.

Bit of a back story, met dh when I was 17 and he was 29, was quite naive and didn't think anything could go wrong, turns out I wasn't the only one he was with and it scarred me quite bad. Looking back now it wasn't that serious and we both moved on and decided to be together.
Fast forward 7 years and we have been through more along the way that I don't want to go into that much to keep as short as possible. But trust is still a problem for me. I've got to the point where I know that something could happen or come out and I will have to leave with ds who is 4. But the problem is that i'm nearly 25 and feel like my life is being wasted being scared all the time. Just don't know how not to be.

I love dh so much and really believe we are meant to be together but just sometimes feel like i'm still stuck as that 17 year old.

Thanks for listening

[fuzzynavel]

Hi Shorty, what are you scared of? Don't think anyone can help you unless you tell us what you mean by "something could happen/come out"

[shorty100]

I'm just scared that he will cheat or will have a relationship with someone else. Sometimes its just like i'm waiting for it to happen. Thanks for your reply

[fuzzynavel]

Has he given you any reason to doubt him in the 7 years you've been together?

[overmydeadbody]

Sometimes we can mistake dependancy for love, it would be very understandable if a lot of the feelings you think are love are actually dependancy and attachment, if you have been with him sinse you were 17. You should be able to trust someone if you are 'meant to be together'.

It is hard to untangle strong feelings, but really think hard about it, and talk through it here, it might help you.

Love is an action really, more than a feeling, does he love you with his actions? Do you love him with your actions? I am not implying that either of you don't, just trying to help you sort through your emotions.

[shorty100]

Yes, just before we got married I found out he had been emailing someone and had planned to meet up with them but then didn't go through with it. We got married just over 3 years ago. He said maybe he was tested his self. Also last christmas I found some emails to someone flirting nothing more than that but theses were from the same time as the wedding and he said that was the last time it happened. I think because I found them last year it seems more recent to me. I've just got no self confidence anymore and don't think this helps.

[shorty100]

Overmydeadbody he doesn't and hasn't always loved me with his actions, and I understand what you meant about the dependancy. I think he has his issues and that has brought him to where he is.

I think thats whats so hard about it all, I know how much he loves me and his family so I don't get why it has happened and what it would stop it from happening again.

Sometimes I just think that it will happen or not happen whether I worry but can't seem to let it go and he says that he feels i'm not there 100 percent.

[ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow]

OK, so:

• he was two-timing you when you first got together
  
• he was planning to cheat on you at the time of your marriage
  
• he was flirting with someone last Christmas
  

These are the incidents you know about. They all show massive disrespect for you. No wonder you feel he could cheat again -- he has consistently, and deliberately, been contacting other women while being in a relationship with you.

Maybe you feel stuck, and still like that 17-year old, because in essence nothing has changed since you first got together: he still has a roving eye (at least), and you still feel unsafe and likely to be cheated on at any moment (...because repeated incidents show that he continues to look elsewhere; that he continues to have no respect for you).

can't seem to let it go and he says that he feels i'm not there 100 percent

First of all, you can't let it go because it's still going on (see list above). Second, a question: when he says he feels you're not there 100 percent, is this intended to tell you that you are the problem? What exactly is he doing to regain your trust?

[shorty100]

Pumpkin I found the emails last christmas but they were from around the time of the wedding. So in his head he has shown his trust for the last 3 years but it still seems fresh for me. He has said a few times that I should move away from the past as I chose to stay.

[ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow]

You say "in his head he has shown his trust". How has he shown it in his actions? And why do you think you are not letting go of the past? (are there instances of infidelity in your family that marked you, or do you think there's some kind of gesture you need from him before you can put this to bed, or...?)

[bumbums]

Can you imagine being with him for the next 50 yrs?

[shorty100]

He has done things to show he wants it to work and not to make me worry for example he Doesn't really go out with his friends. He never hids his phone and I know that I can look through this or pick it up anytime I want. I know I do need to move on for me because I don't want to live like this. But I know I want to be with him.

My mum left my dad for another man when I was 4 and my brother was 6 months and my dad brought us up so I have been affected but never had any feelings like this before my dh. X