We always seem to fall out and I don't know how to improve things

[choceyes]

Me and DH have been together for 11 years, married for 7. We have DS, nearly 3 and DD, 14 months.

I have just spend the weekend and last Thurs and Fri feeling ill, fluely and achy. I work MOn-Tues so have the DCs on thurs and friday.
On Sat morning, I asked to let me have a rest in bed and not to switch the light on in the bedroom and take away the DCs. Apparently I have to sleep (I had already slept enough, just wanted to rest) in order to rest, and not just lay in bed, and he says sarcastically "let me know when you have finished laying down".
The day went downhill from there.

It seems every weekend we have some kind of argument, and also sometimes on week nights.

Last night, after putting the DCs to sleep, and having cooked a quick meal for them, DH asks me what are plans for dinner, and have I thought about dinner. I got pretty pissed off and shouted at him. I ended up eating some cheese on toast, but he has to have a proper meal. He did make himself dinner in the end, but it's jsut the assumption that I would do it.
Then he says "oh I guess I have to do the washing up now too", when I said I needed to go to bed early. Our usual agreement is that I cook and he washes and tidies up.
Can't I not be let off this once, when I am ill, just to go to bed having not done my share of the chores? And I am hardly ever ill.

We have no family or friend to help out with DCs when we are ill, or any other kind of childcare. So at the weekends it all gets a bit frustrating, as we are trying to cope with entertaining two kids whilst DH is complaining that he can't do anything he wants (don't get me wrong, he is a great father and does loads with the kids). We argue about who will have which kid, where we will go, what we will do etc. I find him really difficult to be with during the weekend. Thurs and Fri, my days alone with the kids are actually easier. But then I long to spend some time with DH too, but it always gets up in arguments.

This morning I was still aching all over, but DH assumed I will be going to work, so kept telling me to have a shower so he can go to work. No asking how I was or whether I needed to stay at home. It's really sad actually.
He is a teacher so has to be at work early, so can't ever take the kids to nursery, as it's my work nursery and doesn't open till 8.30. SO if I am ill, I HAVE to take the kids to nursery, which I have done now.

sorry about the long post. just hoping to get some perspective on things.

[joruth]

Hi,

It's really tricky when things feel like this and you are feeling poorly.

From what your post says it seems that you have quite an equal split of specific chores but not much flexibility (?) or does the flexibility only work one way (?) you don't say what happens if DH can't clear up as he has reports to write or is ill.

It looks like you need to break the cycle of miscommunication. You both sound like you may be tired, stressed and feeling it's all getting on top of you.

Do either of you have nights out with friends or time "off" to do something just for yourself...that might help, and then also if you are in this for the long haul you need to talk and listen to each other.

A letter could work...tell him what you love about him and what you appreciate about him and what he does.( it's easy to feel unappreciated isn't it...I'm sure you do!!). Tell him that you hate arguing and want to be happy with him and that you know that you both need to do something about it. Hopefully together you can come up with some answers that work for you both.

I really wish you well, try to be kind to each other.

If it's deeper and harder to put right then maybe you need some professional help either for you or you both from a relationship counsellor?