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NC being undermined. WWYD?

(14 Posts)
LunaticFringe Tue 11-Oct-11 10:30:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow Tue 11-Oct-11 10:56:45

How did you feel about giving your DD the card and the parcel? Did you want to give it to her? If not, do you know why you did in the end?

eaglewings Tue 11-Oct-11 11:01:28

What will you say to her when she is older and perhaps wants to meet them or asks you why she doesn't?

Some people just find young kids hard to relate to but will be great with older kids

Fo0ffyShmooffer Tue 11-Oct-11 11:08:33

Did you tell her who they were from? And did you feel happy/comfortable giving them to her?
I could have written alot of your post. Your FIL sounds like mine right down to his behaviour with DC1. He has never met our DC2. Neither has Mil or SIL. They walked away 5 years ago and we were relieved to maintain NC since then. When DHs grandfather died they wanted to " let bygones be bygones" and travel down together. DH refused.
If they were to get in touch now send a present the sneaky way (wouldn't put it past them) it would be returned to sender or charity shopped. We feel our lives are infinitely happier since they left them. The source of most raging arguments and tension has been removed. If you and your DH feel that way you must stick to your guns. As you said yourself it's confusing for your DD. I wish my DCs had more than just one grandparent but the consequences of allowing them into our lives are too great. If you feel the same you can't let them in. Any future correspondence would be binned or returned.

Fo0ffyShmooffer Tue 11-Oct-11 11:10:47

However, if you and DH think there is a workable way to let them back in then maybe it's worth a consideration. I just get the impression that there might be a bit more than simply ignoring the child.
Also don't want to appear like I'm projectingblush

mrstiredandconfused Tue 11-Oct-11 11:10:57

Personally I'd be tempted to return them unopened. If they are ghastly enough to go nc (which is an extremely difficult decision for you and dh to reach) then i think it's important to maintain it and keep your armour chink free iyswim

LunaticFringe Tue 11-Oct-11 12:33:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow Tue 11-Oct-11 12:49:39

You'll be making plenty of decisions for her as long as she is in your care, no? This is just one of them.

HerScaryness Tue 11-Oct-11 12:50:40

I think the most simple approach for all is the best option.

You have decided to go NC and have valid reasons for doing so. Therefore the gifts don't get through. Remember that these gifts are not FOR the benefit of the DC, they are to undermine YOU BOTH as parents. They are being given to make THEM look better in the DC eyes, so that mean mummy and daddy won't see these lovely people that send us things.

Tell the truth, (age appropriately of course) you can back it up.

Repel the gifts etc.

DoubleMum Tue 11-Oct-11 12:58:10

Personally, as long as you are matter of fact about it, I don't think it is confusing to your DC. We have unofficial no contact with DH's father. Long story. However we exchange cards to keep the peace. He has never met our children, 9 & 6, although he may well have seen them on one of his little spying missions. He sends them birthday and christmas cards and while we debated it, as did SIL who has the same issue, we all decided it wasn't fair to the DCs to deny DH's biological father's existence. So we explained who he was and said we don't see him, matter of factly, and the DCs just accept that as normal. No different, i suppose, to me receiving birthday cards from my great uncle I'd never met when I was a child.

Fo0ffyShmooffer Tue 11-Oct-11 12:58:53

HerHissyness - YY absolutely.

LunaticFringe Tue 11-Oct-11 13:33:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 11-Oct-11 13:58:10

You are more likely than not from a family where such familial dysfunction is completely unknown so that makes it even harder to deal with.

You went NC for good reason; this also would include not giving your DD their gifts. Pass any gifts they send onto the charity shop. These people have not added anything positive to your lives and they will do the same to your child if you allow any form of contact.

Cards and gifts in such circs are often used by toxic parents to manipulate and get back at the parents for their "transgressions". They will use your child to get back at you, they are more than happy to pass on all their crap to the next generation i.e your child.

Would not suggest you hand over such items to your DD in future particularly if you determine they are from either of these individuals.

LunaticFringe Tue 11-Oct-11 14:16:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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