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Emotionally abusive Ex-P, access

(5 Posts)
CardyMow Sun 09-Oct-11 16:44:01

Could anyone please have a read through my threads Here, Here and Here and tell me what to do for the best?? I am at a loss as to how to work access now, yet still keep Ex-P at arms length and stop him from controlling my life.

SirSugar Sun 09-Oct-11 17:04:14

Set up the access days, use the childrens routines as argument, tell him to take it or leave it.

Have babysitter to hand if he cancels last minute.

Any why are you concerning yourself with his work arrangements, his job, his problem.

IMO You are letting him control by getting so involved in his life; all you need to know is is he going to see his children and when

nothaunted Sun 09-Oct-11 17:36:58

Dear Hunty, I've been there with ex (and when in a relationship tho not living together). He refused to help because he could even in times of huge crisis - death, illness, near death in my family. And guess what the ex wasn't even working. angry.
Read your previous posts and it is very difficult situation.
For me things have got better because once detached, I put other arrangements in place so that I can have a social life and me time. It's not going exactly to clockwork but I've got plenty more space.
Easy step: can you talk to HV re the baby and perhaps how to help move on to cup/bottle/cutting down the bf-ing. I know it is hard (and emotionally too probably because of the TT and fact you have fought hard to bf in the first place). Also can you get any more help from HV/GP/support group re ASD.
These two measures are entirely for you - get you a bit more room to manoeuvre for yourself and family. And is there someone you can trust to babysit and can afford so that you know when you are able to go out? One thought is to have people round to you ... not quite as good as getting out but it's you time and the social contact is part of the whole and that will make you feel better that you are doing stuff yourself. I used to have friends round for a takeaway/bottle of wine/crisp munching session when I couldn't do anything else.
And finally, on to him and contact. What exactly does the contact order say?
Write to him (a formal letter) restating the contact as set out and reasons for it to remain that way. Next come up with any small concession you can work with (perhaps you are willing to be flexible on week 2 as long as he tells you what shift pattern is like as soon as it comes out, you are willing to hear his proposals re how to work this out). Don't mention your gripes re his days off with mates etc, but be businesslike and factual. Have a look at flexible working regs - do you know anyone who has done it at their work and succeeded? If he has the balls to go through proper procedures and you give him some of the ammunition he needs to tackle his HR dept, then it's up to him to do it. If he is still into a power game, you will know because he will be blaming you. You can say sweetly that you do understand his problem re shifts, but these are your problems re DCs and obviously you hope he can do what he can to resolve his side and look forward to hearing how he is getting along. Also happy to provide letters from GP/HV whatever to bolster his case. Ball firmly back in his court grin

youllbewaiting Sun 09-Oct-11 18:16:01

I suppose he could pack his job in.

I don't really see what he can do.

Smum99 Sun 09-Oct-11 19:33:18

Just wonder if you could reverse this - assign days which you will define as your contact days, perhaps 1 or 2 nominated days of a week - i.e Wednesday & Saturday. Outside of those days you will be flexible of contact days..That means on balance he is likely to continue access (if he has 2 days off in a week and contact is available for 5). That way you get some certainty and over time he maybe able to get work to be more flexible.

Could you also suggest someone who might be able to help him talk with work - it isn't your problem to resolve but you might be able to give him pointers. A company does need to show some level of willingness to flexible working and over time he maybe able to build up the right to determine shift days (or he maybe able to get colleagues to swap with him).

If you have been to court before you may realise that legal representation isn't essential for family contact issue - could you select a McKenzie friend for support?

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