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I have just wasted 4 years of my life on a pathetic loser.

(6 Posts)
feckitt Wed 05-Oct-11 15:03:26

Where to start? Been married for 20 years. 4 years ago OH had a very brief but intense affair. Conducted mainly by phone as OW lived abroad. After just 2 months I found out and OH decided to leave me and our 3 kids. OW married with 4 kids so OH didn't leave to be with her but to be free to see her. After 3 months he asked to come back to me. Made me lots of promises which I stupidly believed. Had a great year then discovered an email from her. 6 months later found him googling her name. 6 months later an email from him trying to contact her. Said it wasn't him, someone must have hacked into his email and sent it. Yeah, how stupid did he think I was. 6 months later he lost his job through alcohol abuse and we lost our house that came with the job. I managed to find us a rented house. Drinking problem got worse and OH retreated from the real world. He managed to get another job while I struggled to find a full-time job taking poorly paid part-time ones meanwhile. We couldn't afford the rent so borrowed from my Mum. Discovered he hadn't been paying my Mum back so I said we would have to find somewhere smaller to live. MIL said he could live with her while we sorted ourselves out. He decided to leave straight away leaving me in a house I can't afford and no money, I haven't worked for 6 weeks. Trying to get housing benefit before I am evicted. Have to claim jobseekers to help housing benefit claim. Everything takes time. No word from OH but has been texting kids making jokes about the situation. Finally had enough on Monday night and confronted OH and MIL. Was told by MIL the situation was all my fault because I had chosen a house that was too expensive for us. I reminded her that we had a very short timescale to find somewhere and there weren't that many houses available at the time. Why hadn't we moved out after 6 months. OH just sitting there like a dummy not saying a word. MIL then said I had come out of this not looking very good and OH was very loyal and hadn't said anything bad about me. I was gobsmacked. I asked what could he say about me and she went back to 4 years ago when I first found out about his affair and burnt his clothes and smashed some of his stuff. I said I was talking about the here and now and how could I manage without any money or help. She asked where OH was supposed to live as he couldn't live with her indefinitely. As if that's my problem. There's so much more to this but this is long enough. I am just so angry so I came on here to find out what other people think. My friends are fed up hearing about it and think I was mad to have had him back the first time. I could have been so much further forward in my life if I had heeded their advice.

ShoutyHamster Wed 05-Oct-11 15:08:11

Good God.

Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?

I think you should take great pleasure in telling your MIL that her cheating, lying, spineless baby boy is no longer your problem, then get yourself down to CAB and take advice on housing. You will be ok, it's crap now but you WILL get yourself sorted on the housing front. As to jobs and money - same thing, get advice, make sure you're claiming all you're entitled to.

Above all, don't take him back. He's not worth spitting on, frankly. And no matter how hard it is on your own or how tight money is, it's going to be far easier than living with a shitbag and not knowing where your money is going or if you can trust him to make payments etc.

Would your mum be able to help you out some more in the short term or let you stay with her?

Good luck x

feckitt Wed 05-Oct-11 15:14:59

Thanks ShoutyHamster.

I KNOW I will be better off but it is very hard dealing with all this shit. Sadly staying with my Mum isn't an option and I can't ask her for any more money until she is paid back what we owe her. My friends are being very supportive but they can't be with me 24 hours a day which is what I feel I need at the moment. Just surrounded by love and companionship. And someone to help me make all these decisions. I have to say that all the people I have had to deal with re: benefits have been great. Really kind and sympathetic. However, try asking a letting agent if they accept people on housing benefit. The humiliation.

feckitt Wed 05-Oct-11 15:16:55

Oh, I forgot to mention that when he had the affair MIL befriended the OW. Didn't bother to contact me for the 3 months he was gone, or see her grandchildren but met up with the married woman with 4 kids who was shagging her son. Unbelievable.

Fluffycloudland77 Wed 05-Oct-11 15:35:52

Leave him with his mum. He is not your problem.

Your mil really doesn't like you does she? Don't blame you for cutting up his clothes people have done much worse.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Wed 05-Oct-11 15:42:22

Do you owe much in rent arrears? Have eviction proceedings begun or is the landlord/lady willing to wait until you have sorted HB and accept planned repayment of the arrears over a period of time?

Have applied to your local authority for social housing - are you on their waiting list?

Seems that you need to wipe the slate clean in more ways than one - and wipe the floor with OH & MIL while you're at it.

If you're on JS you shouldn't have a problem qualifying for legal aid; this would be good time to see a solicitor about d.i.v.o.r.c.e so that MIL gets the message that her baby boy is back home for good and he is no longer your problem.

I take it that OH isn't working? Even so, contact the CSA and begin a claim for child support.

I bet you're exhausted from all the bureaucratic requirements but take heart from the fact that the worst is behind you and, once you've put all the claims you need to make in motion, you'll be sailing on calmer seas.

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