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So I have ended it ... should I have?

(26 Posts)
NoNoNoMYDoIt Tue 04-Oct-11 23:08:32

he really is the loveliest man i will ever meet. and i have finished with him (again, for the umpteenth time). this time - i think i mean it, tho. but should i have?

background... (get ready to hoik those judgy pants - i do know how many of you will cast stones, so hard hat donned)

xH and I were married for 7 years - 2 DCs aged (now) 5 and 2.5

1.5 years ago (yes - do the maths and judge) - i became 'involved' with another man. he is married and has grown up kids. he has had one affair in the past (married 25 years). his wife suspected what was going on, once he started talking to and seeing me. they had always said they would separate when the youngest left home (his other affair was when youngest was 6); youngest child left home last year. family home on the market but not selling. he suggests divorce; she threatens suicide... she is happy for him to sell the house and for them to separate but won't entertain a divorce.

meanwhile, xH and i went to couple's counselling - i was v depressed (had had PND since DS was born in 2006). counsellor asked for individual counselling sessions with me, due to my depression. she was very alarmed by xH's attitude to me, and his 'abusive behaviour' (her words - not mine).

i decided i needed to get out of my marriage and moved out. messy court battle over residence of children - but settled now. divorced. saw counsellor throughout this period and she knew about OM in the background.

all this time, i keep in contact with OM. he is still married, but has moved out of marital home - spends weekends with his parents and works away in the week -, told (his now adult) children that he is separated from their mother.

i see him every other weekend when my kids are with their dad. his wife obviously knows where he is but says nothing. he continues to pay the mortgage; she spends his money; house on market but not selling...

this has been going on for 1.5 years now. i am sick of it. he has not divorced his wife. i am, however, 'the most important relationship' he has ever had. he loves me to bits; loves my kids (has met them but only very sporadically). he is the loveliest, sweetest man. and i really do think i will never meet anyone like him.

he is paralysed by an inability to DO what he knows he needs to do.

so i have done the right thing - yes? he is never going to divorce her, is he?

zookeeper Tue 04-Oct-11 23:12:08

He sounds far too emotionally involved with his wife; run for the hills.

unavailable Tue 04-Oct-11 23:17:13

He is not paralysed. He is choosing not to end his relationship with his wife and setting the rules for how his relationship with you works.

FabbyChic Tue 04-Oct-11 23:21:47

Sorry but what difference would a divorce make? Surely providing he leaves her and lives on his own, cuts financial and emotional ties that would be enough.

You embarked on an affair with a married man, yet you think you can make demands?

Seriously - get real.

Kayano Tue 04-Oct-11 23:22:26

I don't get asking if you should have ended it after you have done it?

I think you should both move on. You seem quite dismissive of his wife as if she is just being awkward? Never mind her world may have collapsed just over a year ago?

LineRunner Tue 04-Oct-11 23:23:47

Oh OP, he is not the loveliest man you will ever meet. And his wife is spending their money.

So sorry. But you have done the right thing to end it.

Move on.

zookeeper Tue 04-Oct-11 23:31:26

..and I very much doubt he can love your kids if he's only ever met them sporadically

NoNoNoMYDoIt Tue 04-Oct-11 23:32:34

Thanks all. That's nowhere near as bad as I expected. I know I was / am the OW and therefore I expect sackfuls of shite, as that is what I deserve.

I don't mean to be dismissive of his wife, Kayano (good Asics running shoe, btw, but doesn't suit my gait tbh, and god knows i have run many miles crying over all this).

I do know that her world is fucked now. but it wasn't just over a year ago that it collapsed. it collapsed long ago and they both acknowledged it. she planned to move 300+ miles away once their youngest DC left home (but has not done it - mainly because the marital home has not sold). she knows that he will not move there with her - she has always known that.

i think unavailable may be right though - he is choosing not to do what he needs to do. but i can't tally that with all the protestations of loving me / wanting to be with me / wanting to have babies with me (he is 50 next year, btw - i am still [just] in my 30s).

linerunner - i can't move on. where will i move on to exactly?! part of the issue, i think, is that i won't meet anyone else. because of my personal situation (live in arse end of nowhere; no family anywhere near; work hundreds of miles from where i live; don't have any friends locally other than mummy friends through baby groups etc and they are all family-ed up), i will not be able to meet anyone else.

windsorTides Wed 05-Oct-11 00:01:44

How much of what you believe about this bloke's situation has been corroborated, OP? Ever met his parents, his kids, his friends? Been to his parents' house to verify he lives there at the weekend? Do you know for sure his house is on the market and that his wife knows he's still in a relationship with you? Or is everything you believe coming from him and he is telling you that it's "too soon" to go public, because of the hurt feelings involved?

I think you can see where I'm going with this.

Your ExH may well have been abusive, but this man doesn't sound much better frankly. Assuming his wife knew about his earlier affair and forgave it, it's abusive behaviour to do this to her yet again, especially as it sounds as though when she found out about you, he gave her assurances that his affair with you was over.

HerHissyness Wed 05-Oct-11 00:29:57

I agree with windsorTides. You needed this guy to get you out emotionally of an abusive relationship, but tbh, this guy is abusing you in a different way.

Who on earth would want a man that cheats on his wife of umpteen years? He has and will continue to sell you down the river. your already low self esteem will just peter away to nothing.

You did the right thing to end it. make sure it stays that way. You have colluded in much wrong, now you need to live 'right'.

You are young. I came back to the UK with NOTHING and I'm in my 40s. go somewhere with decent family support nearby and get yourself out of this rut. Your living in the arse end of no-where is another reason why you have fallen prey to these despicable men.

Bogeyface Wed 05-Oct-11 00:38:14

He is not the loveliest man ever.

Lovely men dont have affairs. They dont treat the women in his life (you AND her) this way.

Never mind having your cake and eating it, he bought the fucking bakery!

Yes you are the OW, and yes you did wrong but your own marriage situation has been dealt with. You had an affair but if what you said about the counselling is true then things at home werent great and you have done the decent (?!) thing by splitting with your husband. But this man hasnt done any of that. You only know what he tells you and women who are happy with a seperation are unlikely to be suicidal about divorce. I rather suspect that his wife is blissfully unaware that you are still on the scene.

You have been suckered in by a player. He will never be faithful to you, is probably still sleeping with his wife (I dont think he has ever left her) and now you have dumped his sorry ass, he will be lining up your replacement as we speak.

And if he does leave her, then what? Sir James Goldsmith said "When a man marries his mistress, he creates a job vacancy". Do you want the life his "ex" wife has had?

Yes you have done the right thing and hopefully you have learned the lesson to never ever get involved with another womans husband. They arent available and if they say that they are then they arent the kind of man you should want to be with anyway.

Yourefired Wed 05-Oct-11 00:47:18

So sorry this is happening in your life. The story is identical to my husband's. With you being his mother and the married man his father. His mother went to her grave saying he was the loveliest man in the world. My husband was 27 when she died and his father was still with his wife, still saying she was not the one. Please find the strength to move on. We're here if you need us.

Bogeyface Wed 05-Oct-11 01:03:53

27 years?! And she obviously didnt get pg the first time they met so it was longer than that.

How can people keep up that level of deception for longer than alot of people manage to be married for? 30 years of lies and deceit is incredible. And I am sure that your DHs mum wasnt the only one sad

Did his wife ever know about your DH Yourefired?

Yourefired Wed 05-Oct-11 01:19:40

Yes she did but she has two children (albeit it guess teenagers/young adults at the time) and no job or qualifications. I think she put up with it because (these being pre-CSA days) she realised she would be worse off. My DH views her as a victim also.

Yourefired Wed 05-Oct-11 01:28:49

I need to add that my MIL had previously been in an abusive marriage, which involved children. I think that someone being interested in her and telling her he loved her was so much better than she had previously experienced that she clung to it. OP, please don't waste your life.

NoNoNoMYDoIt Wed 05-Oct-11 16:24:41

i have met his parents; i have been to his parents' house; i know he is living there at the weekends. i have seen the marital home is on the market (and still is - i have checked the website; i also know it's his house because i know his address).

i do believe that he is no longer having a relationship with his wife, but i can understand why a lot of you imagine that he still is.

i can't do anything about where i live - i have to stay put as there is a court order relating to the kids so i can't move. my parents are not particularly supportive (it's on their terms or not at all) and i have no siblings or other family members that i can talk to.

but i do know that i don't trust him now, and i certainly don't trust him enough to introduce him properly to my kids.

i just need to stay away from him. and that is going to be hard as we work together. i can't get another job either, as i work 3 days a week and earn a great salary where i am now for 3 days. impossible to match locally...

where do i get my strength from when i am feeling so low?

Yourefired Thu 06-Oct-11 06:08:01

Sorry you're feeling so low. One day at a time. Spend some time thinking about how you would like the future too look, and ways of getting there. Get lots of rest and look after yourself. Sounds like you have a lot of positives, great kids, great job, parents still around, etc. Things will get better.

fastweb Thu 06-Oct-11 07:44:35

i do believe that he is no longer having a relationship with his wife

At some point in her marriage she was under the impression that he was ONLY having a relationship with her, his wife.

Look how accurate that belief turned out to be for her.

Twice.

Move on to being sorted in your own space, your own head, with your kids and yourself on an even keel. Which cannot be achieved with the high octane drama and crisis of this relationship constantly rocking your boat.

If doing it for you is not motivation enough, do it for your kids. They need you well, healthy, stable and focused on making descisions that add rather than detract from that, in order to have the same for themselves.

You can do that, it will not be easy, it won't be fun, especially in the beginning. But they deserve that effort, you deserve that effort, becuase what you have right now is treding water in the same choppy tide and fighting to stay afloat.

So swim, aim for the rock pools and the sheltered bays of no drama and crisis connected to outside parties and give all three of you a chance of stability and contentment.

And come here for support, like a sort of floating aid when you feel like you can't keep going or you are stuck in a current pulling you back.

<does best personal impression of one of those noodle things>

<waves from sheltered bay post own marathon swim from C&D infested life>

NoNoNoMYDoIt Thu 06-Oct-11 08:30:07

oh i don't know... argh. you are going to despair of me.

haven't spoken to him properly for 2 weeks, and yesterday he told me that he had issued divorce proceedings, separated his finances, so he now has his own bank account and continues to pay for everything for his wife but actually has his own money for the first time in 25 years. and is looking for a room in a shared house so that he can move out of his parents'.

he asked me to come with him to look at the shared room (at the moment he lives 300 miles away from me, and he is looking at houses about 20 miles away).

i told him to sod the sod off on that front. i also told him i couldn't stop him from moving to the town he is looking in, but if i had my choice, he wouldn't. so he says he also has a cheaper option in birmingham with the mother of one of his friends from work, so he will look at that also.

i don't really think it changes anything. i don't trust him.

but ... he has been having counselling for the last 6 weeks and says he now understands a lot more about why he has behaved the way he has, and in particular why he hasn't communicated to me about the things he has done. he wants to talk. i have said there is no point as i don't trust him. very convenient for him to have a eureka moment at this point, just as i bin him.

so for now i am holding my resolve. i do know that i need to be fully strong and unburdened for my kids. the way i felt last weekend (like i was dying inside) is no good for me or them.

Bogeyface Thu 06-Oct-11 09:19:18

I would only despair of you if you had taken him back.

Its amazing how many men suddenly say that they are finally doing what they promised after months and months of excuses when they have been dumped.

This is his way to manipulate you back into his life. Stay strong, keep the "fuck the fuck off" attitude and he will eventually get the message.

Do you want "Mount Pleasant" on Sky by any chance? Watch it if you get the chance, this man sounds exactly like the sleazy area manager!

ShroudOfHamsters Thu 06-Oct-11 09:32:40

Yes, very convenient. Sorry, if anything this about-turn shows him to be just as much of a manipulator as you suspect. Sooo, suddenly a divorce/splitting finances is reeeallly easy? Why wasn't it easy before if he 'loves you to bits'? Sorry - just a tactic. Don't be silly enough to fall for it: you've had excellent advice on here on how this bloke is nothing more than a very accomplished cheat - one who very successfully plays the part of the slightly hapless, don't-know-what-to-do genuine guy in a bad situation. That's not the case: he's just having his cake and eating it. Talk is cheap, you've been listening to the talk for too long. Keep him out of your life.

Bogeyface Thu 06-Oct-11 09:41:06

Watch not want!

I agree with Shroud that if it is all that easy now then there was nothing stopping him before. I wonder if he has been trying to persuade his wife to take him back and she has told him to sling his hook and SHE is divorcing HIM, but he is trying make it look like it is him doing it all.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 06-Oct-11 09:45:02

Nobody is really tied to someone they don't want to be with - not marriage, not chilren, not possessions - not to anything. Anybody can be 'free' if they want to be. I don't think this guy sounds free at all, he's busily weighing up his options and I don't think you would be top of the list even if he does leave his wife at some point in the future. Sorry to be blunt but he's already 'been there' with you. Why would he swap a wife relationship for one that's very similar without the 'legitimacy'?

I've seen this before, OP, the other woman busily making plans - the man also - only his are for himself and for himself alone and his new life may well not include you at all, however earnestly he tells you he is sorting himself out.

Run - don't walk - and don't look back. Just because you think you won't meet anybody else doesn't mean that you're right - and it doesn't mean that you have to settle for any old thing, you should hold yourself up higher than that, you should be worth more.

notsorted Thu 06-Oct-11 09:47:08

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk is a good site that will deal with some of these dilemmas.
If it is meant to be and I guess somewhere you hope it is then once he has sorted out his life as a single man again and you are also free of some of the complicated feelings then perhaps you can meet as equals and form a relationship. But you both will know that you have the capability of cheating, you both may carry a lot of guilt. You each need to deal with that separately. So go no contact and stick by it

BecauseImWorthIt Thu 06-Oct-11 09:51:15

How do you manage to work with him if he lives 300 miles away?

And as to how you stay strong - you stay strong because you have taken charge in this affair. Things are now operating on your terms.

If you choose to take him back, that is up to you. But on the basis of what you've written here, I wouldn't bother!

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