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One glass to a bottle...

(20 Posts)
Liebfraumilch Wed 28-Sep-11 18:05:48

I have name changed because people offline may know my other username.

I don't know how to start this really, I'm sat here with a bottle of wine, meant to start off as a glass but has turned into the whole bottle.

I got engaged earlier this year, it was a long distance relationship, and after a big hiccup in terms of trust, my partner dragged me through emotional torture, not talking to me, not really ending the relationship, making me think there was hope for our relationship. Eventually I had to say that I knew it was over but still didn't get much in the way of confirmation. I went into a sort of shock, although I was upset outwardly I was putting on a brave face, went out with my friends, got drunk and tried to put it behind me.

But I wasn't OK, not a day goes by where I don't cry, or think about what we had, I tried so hard to keep the relationship going but they didn't try in the slightest, instead turned to their ex/friend for escapism and getting back into a hobby they had shared.

I feel like he has walked away unscathed, getting on with life without a backward glance. He e-mailed recently asking if I was alive and I text him saying I was but I was still struggling, but he never replied. Makes me think he didn't e-mail worried at all, I don't know, just seemed bizarre that he wouldn't reply.

I eventually had to ask if there was any hope for us at all and he said he didn't want to be in a relationship any more. I had no choice but to accept that but I feel so hopeless, I go through different thoughts in any 24 hour period anger, upset, devastation, suicidal.

I often think to myself what is actually keeping me here, and the only think I can come up with is my job, how sad is that, my job is the only thing in my life that brings me joy.

My friends seem to not care, although they thought I was coping, I have told them since I'm still struggling but nothing, I invited them round for a movie night and one by one they all but one cancelled. I just feel like giving up completely.

I don't have children yet so that's not an issue. I'm on my own.

I'm sorry this has turned into a complete and utter waffle, but I'm hoping I'll feel better for putting it down somewhere.

If you read this, thank you smile

sherbetpip Wed 28-Sep-11 18:28:46

Hi, so sorry you're feeling so bad. Just wanted to say, for what it's worth, that you are well out of a relationship with this guy, and one day you will realise that and wonder why you wasted any time being upset. Honestly, he sounds like he did nothing but make you miserable and uncertain. Who needs that?

Liebfraumilch Wed 28-Sep-11 18:43:11

The relationship was fantastic until this slip of trust sad I feel like I messed up completely. But I know you're right, I know the way he's treating me now is uncalled for. I just need to get my mind in the right place to process that.

garlicnutty Wed 28-Sep-11 18:48:55

Liebfraumilch, please join the "emotionally abusive" thread and definitely read the links given on the first page!

You are not wrong, weak or stupid. Your head and your heart have been fucked-around with sad

It's okay to self medicate with a little too much wine. If it helps you switch yourself off before going to bed, then it helps. Start worrying if you find you're drinking too much to be well at work ... doesn't sound like you're anywhere near that.

Watch out for your diet - eat PLENTY of highly nutritious things; emotional stress uses up body energy. Take care of you!

Liebfraumilch Wed 28-Sep-11 18:53:55

Do you think it was emotional abuse? I've never really thought about that before, he came here for a week when he said we shouldn't be together and during the week he was so cold towards me, no affection, if I tried to hug him he clamped up, if I asked for a kiss he would give me one but was never forthcoming, he just sat reading or using the laptop and ignoring me as much as he could until he could go home again.

TheOriginalFAB Wed 28-Sep-11 18:58:28

I am a bit confuised. Did you get engaged and then he let you down?

You know that alcohol isn't the answer says me who is pissed after one glass due to my kids shitty school and you need to find something else to make yourself feel better.

Heartbreak is really really crap.

I have used the Paul McKenna I Can Mend Your Broken Heart book and CD and it really helped me.

Liebfraumilch Wed 28-Sep-11 19:00:39

We got engaged in May and then in July I fucked up and looked at his e-mails over something petty and he just withdrew completely. Kept blaming stress for his change in mood and didn't really tell me what was going on until August. Then I invited him up for a week to try and work through it but he had already given up on us.

TheOriginalFAB Wed 28-Sep-11 19:03:40

Obviously you shouldn't have looked at his emails but you had your reasons and it seems OTT to dumpo you for that tbh.

notsorted Wed 28-Sep-11 19:04:23

Perhaps not emotionally abusive, but immature in the way he has handled things. Read the baggage reclaim stuff, it may help. If it helps, many of us have felt the same way. Be thankful you don't have DCs, try speed dating for fun and absolutely no expectations of anything. Two thoughts to comfort you - no contact and being as absolutely brilliant as you can be is a good way of getting on top of your feelings and the best revenge is a live well lived. Those ideas may be a little too hard to imagine right now, but take baby, baby steps. Give yourself a DVD night, give yourself a night out on your own, give yourself licence to do something that you enjoy purely for you.

CupOfBrownJoy Wed 28-Sep-11 19:56:37

I don't think all was as it seemed to you in this relationship, OP

Its odd for him to dump you just because you looked at his emails. Maybe he was hiding something. Maybe he just wasn't that into you and that prompted him to finish it.

Either way you're wasting your emotions, your time and your energy grieving over someone who probably isn't giving the relationship a second thought.

Don't let him win by becoming a shadow of your former self. Show him (and the world) that you are strong and worth more than him.

There was a great saying earlier on this evening - fake it til you make it.

That's what you need to do....

PenguinsAreThePoint Wed 28-Sep-11 20:08:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Liebfraumilch Thu 29-Sep-11 22:02:29

Thanks for the advice everyone, I'm trying so hard to get on with things

I'm not drinking every day, as tempting as it is, but I drank a bottle yesterday and a bottle today, but usually I'm teetotal :/

Sofiaintherye Thu 29-Sep-11 22:20:07

Focus on your job, drink only a glass of wine per night and try to find a new partner in a dating site. You must forget that bloke.

ellie02 Thu 29-Sep-11 22:30:20

I hardly ever post (lurk alot) you are so brave please dont feel like you are not, he did not deserve you and I think he was needing an excuse to get out of relationship tbh as that is not a reason to finish things, in whch case best rid of him! Have you friends at work, as your other friends dont seem to understand that you need them.

AnyFucker Thu 29-Sep-11 22:37:48

What did you find in his emails ?

His reaction of clamming up, defensiveness and emotionally-browbeating you into submission tells it's own tale, I am afraid

this man has something to hide, and all his angst about your "slip of trust" is one almighty smoke screen to cover it up

let him go

let him have his moral high ground...he obviously believes his own bullshit

but you don't have to

believe in yourself

Bluebelle38 Thu 29-Sep-11 22:40:54

I'm so sorry...

I was in a similar position at the start of this year. LDR went tits up. He ended it really badly by just phasing me out till I snapped. I tried to make it work but he used that as his get-out clause.

It was so cruel. He sent me a text, wouldn't answer my calls (I gave up after two, thank God).

My 'relationship' was on/off for many years and I thought finally we were going somewhere after spending a lot of time with his family over Christmas.

I too drank more than I should have and it only made me feel worse. Please don't go down that road. Alcohol is a depressant.

I read a book on commitmentphobia and my ex ticke just about every box. I now see I am well rid. I have done a lot of sould searching and see now that it was not a healthy relationship for me.

You have to try and keep busy. Can you join a gym to maybe tire you out in the evenings?

You will get through this. It just takes time and belief in yourself that you deserve so much more than someone who can't even end a relationship with dignity and respect.

It gets easier, I promise. XX

stayforthekids1 Thu 29-Sep-11 22:43:57

Leib. I know you cant think that far ahead. But no life is worth ending over a man. The way you feel now, is not how you will feel this time next year and that may seem so far away but its not. Time goes fast.

I imagine you have a lot of questions going through your head. Whys. What ifs. You are not going to get the answers to them though and need to do all you can to move past this. Throw yourself into that job, get yourself on a dating site like POF...you dont have to actively date, but it can be a real boost to have a bit of a flirt and distraction whilst you get back on your feet.

It may seem like the end of the world, but this man has now freed you to find someone who really will deserve you. It will be a blessing in time.

Liebfraumilch Fri 30-Sep-11 14:05:46

He had been e-mailing the ex, nothing flirtatious, but he hadn't told me he was in THAT much contact with her, so obviously it was a shock.

Sadly I don't have friends at work as I work on my own, but I've been reading a lot more recently to try and busy myself, it sort of helps but then he was into books too so makes me want to share a good book I've read with him. Trying not to contact him though.

AnyF Fri 30-Sep-11 14:32:32

Don't find reasons or excuses to contact him

let it go

stayfornoone Fri 30-Sep-11 15:28:54

share a good book you read with us. I love a good book! Do everything you can to make sure you cant contact him. And him you. New number. Block on fb, whatever it takes to make sure you cant. There is no reason to, its over and now you can move forward to much better, happier times.

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