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Choosing single motherhood to avoid future custody issues?

(16 Posts)
FreckledLeopard Mon 26-Sep-11 11:58:55

So, this is a new username for me - my old one, which I've posted on for years is known by DH and he's found threads by me before, so it's time for a new name from now on.

Anyway, am married, have DD from previous relationship who's now 10 and a DSS (8). Haven't been married very long at all and beginning to think that the marriage isn't going to work out. Disastrous wedding issues (previous thread on this - if you recognise my tale, please don't out me!), fall out from the wedding itself still ongoing, as well as general arguments. We're having relationship counselling, but I am not hopeful that things can ultimately get resolved. At the same time I'm not in the position to be able to leave (financially, DD's school) until at least another year.

Several things that are spinning round me head. Firstly, if DH and I did manage to get the relationship back on track, I just can't see myself risking having a baby with him if things then fell apart further down the track. There was a hideously protracted custody battle over DSS when DH split from DSS's mother, which I just cannot countenance going through with him if we did have a child together. Nor can I contemplate any kind of shared residency as I just don't think DH has the necessary child care skills to be able to look after a child properly.

I suppose what I'm trying to say, is that would it be wholly unreasonable of me to have a child via donor insemination (in the future, as a single woman) simply to avoid the issue of having to worry about the role of a father if I were in a relationship? DD's father has had nothing to do with us since I got pregnant at 18, which, in many ways, has worked out very well for us as I've been able to live the life I want to with DD and have had the freedom to travel, move around, pursue my goals etc. If I had a child with someone and then split up, I wouldn't have the freedom and the ability to raise my child as I wanted. I couldn't up sticks and take a job in Australia if the child's father was in the UK for example.

Has anyone decided to be a single parent by choice simply to avoid the possibility of splitting up in the future and having to share residency/contact?

PrimaBallerina Mon 26-Sep-11 12:02:54

I think you need to sort out your marriage before you start worrying about this.

FannyLogan Mon 26-Sep-11 12:03:04

I don't think YABU at all, but I suspect I will be a lone voice...

FreckledLeopard Mon 26-Sep-11 12:09:20

I know that I worry about things in the future that haven't happened. Problem is, I like to plan long-term (house, area, number of children etc). Obviously all this is hypothetical to an extent.

Not sure if marriage is salvageable. I go through phases of believing it is (if things are ok or DH being nice) to going full circle in wanting to call it quits. After this weekend, I'm back to wishing it was all over. And I'm aware that if I feel this animosity in the future, AND we had a child together, then that would be a recipe for disaster.

WhoWhoWhoWho Mon 26-Sep-11 12:14:54

I think you are being very sensible to realise that having a baby with your husband when your relationship is not looking at all good would be a big gamble and may mean long term future hassle for all involved.

Yes by all means when you are single further down the line look into insemination, but for now focus on whether you need to split from your husband or not. I think I recall your other thread and I'm surprised your are still together!

akaemmafrost Mon 26-Sep-11 12:21:29

No YANBU, it is something I think about too. Have two dc with ex and it has been a total nightmare at times. Time is not on my side though and it is just not practical at present. Would love another child though sad.

I think you need to dump your "d"H as well though. I think I know your story and all credit for trying but I wouldn't have allowed back through the door when we arrived home.

"Not sure if marriage is salvageable. I go through phases of believing it is (if things are ok or DH being nice) to going full circle in wanting to call it quits"

Newly weds aren't you? Ffs if its this bad now, it is not going to get any better!

CristinadellaPizza Mon 26-Sep-11 12:22:57

There are a number of threads on this and a number of women on here who are single mothers by choice but I agree that you need to resolve your relationship crisis before crossing that bridge.

I also remember your previous thread and am surprised you are still trying to make a go of things.

SirSugar Mon 26-Sep-11 12:28:46

Why would you do that? Life is not that simple is it?.... lets see, I won't have a repectful and loving relationship with a significant other as thats just not possible but I want a baby so I will get some blokes sperm and use a chicken baster instead and cut out out the middleman.

WTF are you going to teach the baby and explain to your DD about relationships?

FreckledLeopard Mon 26-Sep-11 12:34:44

SirSugar - does your view apply to all single women who choose to have a baby?

SirSugar Mon 26-Sep-11 12:39:13

It just sounds so weird; its like the child is a comodity. You said in your OP that it was much more convienient that your DDs father wasn't interested and you could do what you like.

It sounds selfish IMO

CristinadellaPizza Mon 26-Sep-11 12:54:20

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have a child with someone who isn't going to make a decent father.

Why is the child any more of a commodity than it would be if it had a father? That doesn't make any sense SirSugar

Mamateur Mon 26-Sep-11 13:38:11

I had a child via donor insemination. I was 40, DP was not massively on board at the time and there were other genetic issues holding him back. In the end I just went ahead and did it (IVF with donor sperm) and told him he could hang around or bugger off, as best he saw fit. He decided to be the father and it all turned out well. We have since adopted another. He did sign a form though, before treatment, accepting legal and moral responsibility for any resulting child but that was just because we're not married. If you're married a donor conceived child is automatically both of yours so I'm not sure that would get rid of your potential custody issue (because believe me, donor conception does not stop the child feeling his, and for the child, there are no degrees of fatherhood, just fathers).

Feel free to PM me - it's a subject I can talk about forever grin

babyhammock Mon 26-Sep-11 17:38:31

YANBU at all.
I think if I had another child I would go down that route. Ex has put us through hell and I'm not sure I would want to risk that again, though I wsh I felt differently...

I know your story and you should defo get shot of that muppet asap..x

FreckledLeopard Mon 26-Sep-11 17:50:50

Thanks babyhammock smile

Part of me thinks that maybe going it alone in the future is selfish (which I suppose it is to an extent) and that perhaps a perfect relationship and 'happily ever after' might come round the corner. But I feel so cynical and so depressed and despondent about having children with anyone right now.

Anyway, since it's all hypothetical right now and I have to deal with the day to day reality of home life, I guess I should try and get through this rather than planning ahead.

babyhammock Mon 26-Sep-11 18:06:53

Yup I'm very cynical too... jeeze not suprised you are. Its what happens when you put a huge amount of faith in someone only to be monumentally let down.

I dunno, I think having a clear idea of what you want is the way to get it.. I'm definately a planner

Ps I don't think you're being selfish at all. You're giving it a great deal of thought and thinking what would be best for you, your DD, and future child.

Are you planning your escape from muppet wink x

toptramp Mon 26-Sep-11 18:36:43

Wanting a baby is not selfish; just natural. Couples want babioes for ''selfish'' reasons too. Why not cut out the middle man if you don't want too wait? And suger; not everyone can find a menaingful relationship with someone who might also want to be a father at any given particular time. As women we cannot afford to muck around with our fertility so go for it I say!

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