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What should I do about DH?

(21 Posts)
AmazingBouncingFerret Mon 19-Sep-11 11:58:59

Ok forgive me if this seems jumbled but im not thinking straight...

Yesterday I opened my laptop to find it already on a page that I originally thought was porn. (I'd left DH decorating the house and had gone out with the kids for the day) I clicked it away quickly so my DS couldnt see it (he was in the room) I didnt quite register the name of the site at the time but have now found it was "sex in the UK" I did a google search and it turns out its one of those "no strings attached" sexy dating sites.

I'm pretty pissed off, this isnt the first time when I was in hospital with DD when she was 2 weeks old and had Bronciolitis DH had leant me his phone because mine had no battery and I'd forgotten the charger I remember finding emails on it from that eHarmony dating site, I know, I know I was snooping but only for what he had bought me for my birthday...

anyway when I confronted him about that he said it was a response to an email he'd been sent where he could fill in a survey and find out what personality he was... it sounds fuckign ridiculous now but I was 3 weeks post birth and easily persuaded that it was all innocent.

When I confronted him yesterday about the site being open on the laptop I remember him looking all panicked but at the time I thought it was just some porn site.

What should I do? I'm fairly sure hes not actually meeting anyone because if he's not at home he's either at the gym or at work.

AmazingBouncingFerret Mon 19-Sep-11 12:28:25


Anyone got any advice??

buzzskillington Mon 19-Sep-11 12:29:15

Is he really at the gym?

AmazingBouncingFerret Mon 19-Sep-11 12:32:58

I think so... but it's not like I watch him go in or anything.

garlicnutty Mon 19-Sep-11 12:46:29

OK, eHarmony does send out emails promoting their character quiz. It's pretty obvious what it's for, though - it's all about finding your perfect match. And you have to register to get your full profile, by which time you are on the dating site so no ambiguity there.

It must have been horrid to find out that's what he'd been doing while you were giving birth and worrying about your sick newborn. Sad and angry for you.

He'll no doubt insist he was just looking at the NSA site - but one might wonder why a person would look, unless they were interested to find out what's on offer. Following on from your eHarmony discovery, I'd say it's pretty clear he's looking for alternative sex partners. (Unless his job requires research into online dating? But then he'd have told you about it.)

When you ask what to do about him, what do you mean? You can confront him, in which case he'll lie. You can play detective: sign up to the NSA site yourself to contact him, hack his emails, follow him, etc. You could hire a detective. You can pretend it didn't happen, in which case it'll keep on happening. You can chuck him out if you like, you're not handcuffed to each other for life.

So - bearing in mind you can't rewrite history or alter another person's thoughts - what sort of outcome do you want?

I'd at least check his gym stuff when he comes back!

buzzskillington Mon 19-Sep-11 12:47:21

Well, he could be just looking, he could be actively seeking and he could be cheating. Whichever it is, it's fair enough to be upset & worried about it.

You could do some digging and see if there's more going on, like checking his history, phone & emails. Or you could confront him and see what he says about it. Or both.

AnyFucker Mon 19-Sep-11 12:49:38

I am really sorry about this, ABF

Stormwater Mon 19-Sep-11 12:53:59

Have you signed up to see if you can find a profile on there that matches him? I think that would be my first step. You poor thing.

CAROLLOXLEY Mon 19-Sep-11 12:55:04

Try not to panic and jump to conclusions as can cause more trouble. Perhaps ask him to explain but in a non confrontational way otherwise you will just have an arguement and no conclusion. When people are scared an argument is better as they can storm off and not answer and then the next time you ask you will be accused of nagging!! Try to stay calm!

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 19-Sep-11 14:01:26

Its no good asking him as he will only lie his head off.

I would dig around for more evidence and then confront him.

SwingingBetty Mon 19-Sep-11 16:17:42

its very odd that all these partners are so remiss about closing down the internet after they have finished

if it was me and I knew OH wasnt keen on me looking at a certain thing, I would ensure that all traces were removed, let alone left open.

Just seems a tad peculiar to me.

AnyFucker Mon 19-Sep-11 16:44:51

Some men are just fucking stupid though, SB

and so entitled they start getting careless

it catches up with them all in the end

they think there won't be consequences to their behaviour, in their little self-deluded bubble

there always is, in the end

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 19-Sep-11 17:27:23

Yup my H thought he was clever enough to hide all evidence - but the signs were there all along, it only took MN to made me realise that something was going on so I did some digging around and found quite a bit of evidence.

issey6cats Mon 19-Sep-11 17:53:00

ive just split with my husband for exactly this reason, his was, first time i forgave him, second time i forgave him stupid me and caught him at it again for a third time, each time he said nothing in it dont think ive done anything wrong and wont do it again, up to you but have concrete evidence before you do anything drastic as men are very good at turning it round to it being your paranoia

OpenMouthInsertFoot Mon 19-Sep-11 17:58:35

Sounds like something's not right. Ideally, you could just talk to him, but people lie. <sigh> I suppose you could say to him that you think it would be fun to go to the gym together, so you've arranged a babysitter so the two of you can enjoy the gym together.

If he splutters, or makes excuses, or goes pale or something, then at least you know he's not actually at the gym.

I suppose it depends what you want to do. Try to find proof, vote with your feet, accept his explanation...

wileycoyote Mon 19-Sep-11 21:11:54

AF , what do you mean by "entitled"? I have heard it said on here and am not sure what it means..

garlicnutty Mon 19-Sep-11 22:18:09

wiley - a sense of unjustified superiority; feeling of immunity from ordinary rules or laws; god complex. Self-centred and big-headed.

AnyFucker Mon 19-Sep-11 22:23:50

WC what garlicnutty said

wileycoyote Mon 19-Sep-11 22:41:07

All-righty - I get it. I was interested in your "so entitled that they get careless" statement. Is it because they think they are somehow invisible?? Or because they think even if detected they will get away with it??

AnyFucker Mon 19-Sep-11 22:45:02

all those things and more, wiley

wileycoyote Mon 19-Sep-11 23:15:27

I shall do some googling..

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