How to gain the respect..from just about everyone

[littlemisslost]

I have real issues with my dd she is a handful and after a few days away with my mum Ive been told I have no control over her, she doesnt respect me at all and my dh is useless and too soft

She is almost 8 now and my only child I do adore her and wish Id had another but my dh and I have had problems over the years and although weve stayed together and are okay, he doesnt want anymore children which was always one of the problems.
Ive felt like I am always the disciplinarian and although he helps alot practically around the house and is very kind and patient he is rubbish at dicispline and she has zero respect for him, I always have to step in or do everything with her because she just runs away from him or screams at him or locks herself in rooms etc its a joke....or atleast she thinks it is!
I have seen similar spoilt madam behaviour in many of her friends and Im sure she is not the worst but my parents are affecting my relationship both with my dd and my dh. I have started really arguing with him a bout being a useless dad and not being able to control her etc
My mums says that if we cant control her now she is going to be a nightmare and it terrifies me

[buzzskillington]

You need to tell your parents to butt out.

If you are genuinely worried about your & dh's parenting, perhaps do a course together and try to get on the same page. Her behaviour sounds within the bounds of normal, so don't let your mother scare you. The child is 8.

Your loyalty should be to your dh, and you shouldn't let your parents interfere so much that you're giving him a hard time over their opinions. Walk away from them if they start on this tack with you.

[littlemisssarcastic]

What happens when your DD screams at your husband? Or runs away from him? What does everyone, including your DH do?
How are your parents affecting your relationship with your DD and DH?

[GettinTrimmer]

What does your dh do after she's run away from him or locked herself in? Does he just give up?

[GettinTrimmer]

I was also thinking (if you're into this) there's a book called How to Talk so Children Listen and How to Listen So Children Talk, I found it very helpful.

[littlemisslost]

he never raises is voice its pretty much no response really and doesnt get anywhere which is why I end up getting fed up and going to sort it out.
He is extremely laid back and almost withdrawn really and my parents think he is a 'bit of a drip'
He is intelligent and witty and works hard and is a wonderful father in most ways, he will cook her tea, run her baths, bake cakes with her, take her on bike rides..... but as far as control and discipline goes its nonexsitent. he has a 12 year old son from a previous relationship and he is such an abnoxious spoilt brat I have no contact with him at all now because of all the trouble he and his mother have caused. I just keep saying to dh that he failed with his ds and now he is failing with our dd! I have a very stressful job and dont want to come home to battles every day and Im sure he doesnt either. My sister was looking after dd last weekend as our shifts overlapped, he finished work at 4pm and didnt collect her until 7, my sister was cross and when I asked him why he didnt go and collect her he said he needed a break after work and couldnt cope with her behaviour.
My parents said he needs to 'step up to the mark' etc etc ,my mum said yesterday that he shouldnt have any more children because he cant control the ones he has got.
I feel sorry for him one minute and feel disrespect for him the next

[buzzskillington]

FGS, get your mother out of your head - what do you think?

I think you're being awful to your dh.

[butterflybee]

I'm curious, if you think discipline is an issue what are you doing about it with your DD?

Your posts read like discipline is his job and you're not involved. It is his job, in part, as one of her two parents, but it's your job too.

[littlemisssarcastic]

Why are you so surprised that your DD has no respect for your DH or yourself? Genuine question btw.

Does your DD have any respect for your mother? Or your father?

[littlemisslost]

I have tried reward charts and Ive grounded her a couple of times if she has been really cheeky, and on a couple of occassions over the school holidays she ran out of the house without telling us and went to the park, we dont allow her out on her own as she is only 7. she is allowed to friends house on our road but not out on the street and at the park!
I tell her off and have smacked her when Ive been really cross, she doesnt behave half as bad for me as her dad!
I know its a shared responsibility but he doesnt do anything and doesnt seem to know how or want to
I am being horrible to my husband arent I, were not all the same and he is lovely in lots of ways but me AND my girl both need a strong hand and he is to soft for both of us lol
My mum is a primary school teacher now in her 60's and very strict and my dd doesnt like going to her house lol.......I wonder why

[Nagoo]

Your DD is not your husband's problem. You need to stop making this his 'fault'

And you need to stop thinking about things from your mum's POV.

Your whole family, that is you, DH and DD (NOT your MUM) need to sit down and talk about this. Your DD can help to come up with ground rules for your family, and also consequences. Then all of you can agree on what is reasonable behaviour.

[buzzskillington]

If you have no respect for your dh, how do you expect your dd to have any?

[littlemisssarcastic]

imo, you need to team up with your DH. He may not be great at disciplining bad behaviour, but disciplining is about rewarding good behaviour too.

Use his strengths, his kindness and patience (can never have too much patience with DC).

Back him up 100% when he attempts to discipline DD. Expect nothing but complete respect from your DD to yourself and your DH, and limit the amount of time you spend at your mothers, especially if your mother is so negative towards your DH.

I am getting the feeling that you find it difficult to stand up to your mother, and get annoyed at her pointing out your failures where your DD is concerned (in her opinion) and then you take your frustration out on your DH, because you cannot bring yourself to be direct and tell your mother to beak out.

If your DD is present when you are berating your DH, please please please stop criticising him when your DD may be able to hear, right from this minute!! If your mother belittles him to you or to him, remove your DD from her house, or ask your mother to leave immediately. This will teach your DD by your actions that your DH is not to be disrespected by anyone!!

Your DD is watching and taking all of this in. Why on earth should she respect a man whom no one else respects, in fact her own grandmother thinks he is useless and too soft, a bit of a drip, and can't control DD.
Her mother's opinion of her father mirrors her grandmothers, that is that he is rubbish at discipline, a useless dad and can't control DD.

Your comments to your DH about what a failure he has been with his DS is a perfect example of how little you actually respect him. I felt very sad for your DH when I read that. I can't imagine why your DD would behave any other way with him.

OTOH, I think you are too keen to gain your mothers approval, and seem to think your mother has the answers to how to regain control of your DD.

If I was your DH, I think I'd be a very unhappy person.

I don't honestly think your DH is too soft for you and your DD. I just think that you both take advantage of his gentle nature.

Does your DH see his DS at all?

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

me AND my girl both need a strong hand

What do you mean by this statement? Are you implying that you and your dd need physical punishment?

I tell her off and have smacked her when Ive been really cross Is that your idea of 'control and discipline'?

It seems that you've allowed 7 years to elapse without teaching your dd how to show respect for others and how to respect herself.

Frankly, any attempt to get your dd to observe rules at this late stage is doomed to failure unless you show some respect for her and for your dh.

[littlemisslost]

wow, reality check and you are totally right.

1. I do seek my mothers approval and more than that my step father is, and always was a very very strict emotionless person. Together they are always happy to tell me how uselss me AND my dh are. Despite the fact that I have 2 degrees a very repsponsible job, my dh has always worked hard although I am the main earner and we have a lovely home.
   

2.I love my mother very much and respect her enormously because she raised me and my older sister single handed with a full time career for 9 years in the 70's-early 80's when this was still quite unsual. However, sine the age of 9 my mum has lived uncomfortably under the reign of my step father and I vowed never to let myself be compromised and stripped of my emotions like that which is probably why I married such a kind and gentle man!

1. I will step in and support my dh 100% when dd is misbehaving and not be horrid to him infront of my dd
   
2. yes dh sees his ds every month from fri-sun in a different location I have nothing to do with him
   

I feel stuck between my family and my dh and interestingly I dont really have any contact with my DH family so were pretty isolated in that way. It is a lot of stress on the tow of us

[littlemisssarcastic]

littlemisslost Your DH and your DD are the heart of your family. I am sure it is tempting to vent your frustrations on your DH when your little girl can possibly hear, so I am pleased to see you have made a conscious decision not to do that anymore.

Also, by standing by your DH, you are teaching your DD that relationships are about mutual respect and kindness to each other...something your DD will benefit from enormously as she grows up and into adulthood.

How would you feel if your DD ended up married to a man like your step father....because she didn't want a useless drip as a father for her children or a partner for herself??

Please remember when you feel stuck between your DH and your family...your DH and your DD are the heart of your family.

[littlemisslost]

Izzywizzy.....Smacking isnt my idea of control and discipline and my comment about me and my dd needing a strong hand was meant to be a jokey way of saying were both hard work!
Ive smacked her is she done something that is not only wrong but dangerous...such as run off without telling us when there are busy roads close by and also twice she has gone to her friends houses to play, then when she leaves to come home she hasnt and has gone off somewhere else, then we go to collect her and clearly have no idea where she is! its not only humiliating but very worrying and she needs to know how far is too far when she is pushing the limits!
I have tried very hard but she is very strong willed, and also gets fed up as an only child and wants friends to play with and its hard when other children are out playing and she isnt allowed, but thats up to their parents I think she is too young. She isnt out of control she is just very cheeky and pushes the limits all the time

[MeMySonAndI]

Ok, I have a child that age and I can tell you I don't allow him or have allowed him to behave remotely like that.

I have no parents around and my ex bogged off years ago, so I have nobody to pass the blame about my child's behaviour. The buck stops with me.

Now, I'm not going to say my child is a perfectly behaved angel who has always being respectful of parents, adults, society and the universe. Last year he was a proper cheeky nightmare never happy with what we did for him no matter how hard we tried... that is until last year because it got to a point that I couldn't face it anymore and had to instigate a "military" rule at home in order to sort him up.

I did it on my own, so I don't see why you can't do similar at home. The child needs to know who is calling the shots , and that that person is not the child himself/herself. You don't need your DH to do this for you, the only thing you need is to made it clear to the kid that you and him are together in this even if you are the one doing all the discipline.

This is what I did:

• Put strict routines in place. The key is consistency, other ways everything goes pear shaped. I don't have arguments about sleep times and home work anymore because he has learned they are not negotiable.
  

• Zero tolerance to rude behaviour. Whatever the circumstances, how tired, annoyed, frustrated or whatever he is, he is no allowed to be rude to me or anyone else. He is always asked to appologise and if the behaviour has been bad enough he will loose pocket money, be sent to bed earlier, had toys confiscated or outings cancelled.
  

• Talk to the child on the way you want her to talk to you and other people. Children are like mirrors, if you shout a lot or smack her, would you be surprised if she shouts and kick back? They learn behaviour by example.
  

Now, this may sound a lot but it is not. It took me 2 weeks of strict consistency and my son has become a pleasure to be with. Obviously routines and rules continue to be in place but I don't need to "enforce" them very often. He knows what is expected from him so we have almost no arguments nowadays.

Now, without the arguments in the middle, we are enjoying each other company very much, having a great together. Our relationship has improved a lot.

Give it a try, it would be hell for a few weeks but it is worth it. BUT don't start this unless you are prepared to follow through, the one who doesn't blink is the one who wins, so don't give up after a lot of bad behavior because the only thing she would have learned is to keep misbehaving until you give up. Good luck. :)

[MeMySonAndI]

BTW my son is an only child, with a lot of health problems that stop him from doing many things other children can, he is also hyperactive, his parents have split, and he doesn't have contact with his dad after being on the receiving end of a lot of abuse.

I'm not letting any of the above get on the way of him being the best person he could be. Right, we both have had a difficult time, but that doesn't mean we now need to condescend ourselves to the point of ruining our future.

[littlemisslost]

MemysonandI

Thankyou so much and its seems like you have done a marvellous job. I do need to back my dh up but he also needs to back me up rather than just shying away from her and letting he get away with stuff because he has given up. Its tough and my parents butting in doesnt help. I do think I am getting there in some areas and you are right about the shouting and smacking, sometimes I just dont know how to get through to her how dangerous or naughty something is. She has no sense of danger and wouls easily get roped into doing anything to try and impress other or older kids its worries me to death.
We don't have the challenges that you have clearly but it does make a difference when she sees her brother every month who pretty much does and says what he wants. He thinks I am the devil because I am strict and don't let our dd live on McDonalds and endless sweets and sit watching dvd after dvd or playing computer games 24/7. She is always saying "but can do that, but has them" etc etc and it drives me up the wall!
I don't want stop her from seeing him because he is her only sibling and of couse she thinks he is the bees knees!
I want her to respect me and her dad and I guess I have more hard work ahead of me getting her into shape :-)