I don't want to have sex

[nosexdrive]

Have namechanged (cube of poo, naice ham etc.)

My partner and I are in our early twenties and have been together for several years - met in our teens, been living together for four years now. My sex drive has been going steadily downhill for years now but it's all come to a bit of a head recently.

We haven't had sex in about three weeks and last night he was pestering me about it, rolled over and went to touch me and I near as damnit flinched away and said that I didn't feel like sex - he snapped, rolled over in a huff and turned out the light. He left for work this morning without saying a word to me.

Now, while I know his behaviour is unacceptable I can kind of see his point, I don't know what the fuck is going on with me at the moment.

I've been on the contraceptive pill since I was 15 to control heavy, erratic and painful periods, and then of course also as contraception when I met him. I've tried four or five kinds now, plus the injection, and all have had unpleasant side effects (one gave me migraines, the rest persistent breakthrough bleeding). Last year after more symptoms (excess body hair, acne, tendency to weight gain) I was diagnosed with PCOS, had a scan which showed several ovarian cysts. Since then I was prescribed Yasmin which seems to have removed whatever remaining spark of sexuality I had and hasn't even had any effect on the PCOS symptoms.

Just using condoms is not an option, we did try it but had one break and had a mad dash for the MAP which I don't care to repeat.

As well as hormonal issues I think - and I feel awful for saying this - I don't particularly fancy him any more? He has gained a lot of weight since we've been together, has a large beer belly but is in total denial about it, refuses to join me in any of the outdoor activities I do or take any exercise at all. I still love him very much but no longer think 'phwoar'. I know this is unfair (though, before anyone points fingers, despite the PCOS I am the same weight as when we first met).

I've got an appointment with the doctor next week to discuss contraception yet again but the options really are running out there. I did consider the Mirena coil but the doctor refused to discuss it, saying that they only fitted them to women who had had children which I am thinking is utter bullshit but he obviously had his reasons for not recommending it to me.

In the meantime I am still spotty, hairy and completely lacking a sex drive. Help. :(

[MrsTittleMouse]

If I were you, I would try a proper family planning clinic, rather than the GP. They would be more open minded about different types of contraception and would have seen the side-effects of the pill more often and be more aware of them. My GP was really surprised that my libido went from manic to nothing when I was on the pill, and suggested another kind of pill, but there was no way that I was going to go through the side effects again!

Regarding the other stuff. It is normal for love to wax and wane in a relationship. You can't keep up a mad intensive relationship over decades. In my relationship we have drifted and then fallen back in love again several times. The falling back again is lovely. :) So it's not necessarily the end if you fundamentally respect each other and are capable of having lots of fun together.

On the other hand, it's also normal to drift apart because you just aren't right for each other, and with no marriage and no children, you aren't obliged to stay with him, just because you met as teenagers. You have a right to be happy and not stay stuck in the past, for whatever reason.

Trouble is, only you can know which of the two situations you are in.

[electra]

Do you have any children together? Sometimes you do just outgrow people, sadly, particularly if you met in your teens.

[scrambedeggs]

its soul destroying being in a relationship where you are constantly rejected. He deserves to know whats going on in your head

[Theala]

It is bollocks about the Mirena - I had one fitted ages ago and I don't have kids.

Have you discussed your lack of libido with him?

[G1nger]

Don't, whatever you do, tell him you're not attracted to him anymore. My dad did it to my mum, and it's such a cruel thing to do.

Sex drive can be so much about hormones, I agree. I thought my high libido was an addiction before I got pregnant and suddenly I had much lower (and for several weeks, no) interests in this area.

How about asking to see a different GP and going through a range of options you have? I'd prefer to ask a woman, personally, as I often find them more sympathetic and interested about female issues.

I wouldn't be quick to accept the argument that you've outgrown eachother. And I certainly don't think you should make any decisions before seeing if you can increase your libido in other ways. Plus, every relationship needs to be reinvented at some point - and maybe now's the time for yours. Can you think of other ways to get the spark back?

[electra]

The reason they prefer not to fit coils in women who haven't had children is that infections can do more damage if you get one when you have a coil in place and can cause infertility. It's also more awkward to get a coil in when someone hasn't had any babies yet. You are entitled to one if it's what you really want though!

[buzzsorekillington]

Vaginal ring?

I agree you should try a different doctor at your surgery or a family planning clinic to make sure you're getting the best advice you can.

[nosexdrive]

Thanks for advice to try FPC/different doctor, the doctor I have an appointment with is the only female doctor at the practice, though I have seen her before and she was still fairly unhelpful. If I'm fobbed off with the offer of another pill I will try FPC.

Is the Mirena coil any good for PCOS symptoms, does anyone know?

I have told him outright that I don't feel sexual at the moment, that I think a lot of it is bound up with the contraception and/or PCOS and that him nagging and wheedling about it is only making me feel worse (I know it's a vicious cycle) but he obviously interprets that as "I don't want to have sex with you/I don't fancy you" and just feels rejected. Can't blame the poor bloke for feeling that way.

I can't quite articulate what I mean about the attraction/fancying thing. I certainly don't expect to want to jump his bones every five seconds like when we were horny teenagers, I know relationships and feelings change, we aren't the same people we were when we met. It's just that at the moment he's more like a housemate that I like to have cuddles and kisses with.

There's a narky voice inside telling me that I'd like him a bit more at the moment if he made more of an effort. We rarely do things together - I have a number of unusual hobbies and interests that he has no part in at all, often whinges when they mean I have to travel or stay overnight, says he can't see the point in it. I have a horse, care of which obviously takes up a huge part of my life, hours every morning and evening especially in the winter time - he hasn't seen my beloved horse in about three years. We work opposing hours and often seem to spend weeks at a time passing like ships in the night.

[G1nger]

All of which you can say to him, OP, so long as you don't let the words 'I think I'd be hornier if you..." slip out.

[MilkandWine]

It sounds to me as if your lack of desire has less to do with your choice of contraception and more to do with your personal feelings towards your DP.

A partner who doesn't support you in your interests or have any hobbies himself is NOT a turn on imo. He 'can't see the point' in your hobbies, well what else would he prefer for you to do with your spare time? sit on the sofa watching X Factor and scratching your arse perhaps? My ex DP literally had no hobbies (save looking at cars on ebay for 5 hours a night after work) and it really started to grate after a while. I sympathise with the horse thing as well. My ex took no interest in my horse at all, I dearly wanted him to try riding, but he refused point blank. He even suggested that I should have my horse put down as he was costing me too much money!

Does he have any hobbies/interests at all?

I don't think you are being shallow at all in not fancying your DP if he has a beer belly and has let himself go. You sound like you keep yourself in shape and it must really grate that your DP makes no effort in his appearance. How long has he being gaining weight for? He is far too young to be developing a beer belly and I'm afraid I would be telling him so. I don't think it's acceptable for a young person to let themselves go like that.

You are very young and you sound like a person with loads of get up and go and passions in life. Maybe you and your DP are just not suited? How do you feel when you imagine life without him? Do you honestly see yourself spending the rest of your life with a man you met in your teens?