Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Screwed by my boss - in more ways than one(35 Posts)
I'll try to keep this brief.
5 years ago I started casually seeing my boss - he was separated, 14yrs older than me. After 2 years he screwed me over on a work issue and I felt I had to leave that dept and move internally to a lesser job.
I was all over the place, very low, lost loads of weight, got ill, cried all day and night, it was awful, I just felt totally cheated and he'd got away with treating me like crap. He got back in touch and wormed his way back into my affections pretty easily as I was so low. Yeah I know "more fool me". He was really remorseful about what he'd done and constantly flagellated himself about it.
Anyway we took back up again, and everything was great for a couple more years (better than it had been). We kept it casual, he was pretty demanding of my time and I tried to fit in with this. He saw his kids a lot so really it was him calling the shots and me seeing him around this. Looking back he had no regard for what obligations I might have with my time.
It transpired that during the 'gap' (during the horrible work episode) he'd set up internet dating profiles and seen a few women but he said he'd stopped now we were back seeing each other. I was ok with this as we were only ever casual and we'd not been seeing each other at the time. Our relationship was fantastic - we were totally compatible in every way and complete soulmates, we did some amazing things together that I doubt I would ever get chance to do with anyone else. He wanted more (me to move in with him etc) but I liked how things were. I told him I'd step away if he wanted to have a more grown-up relationship with someone. At this point he was 46 and I was 32. He insisted he'd rather have things like they were than lose me.
Then I found out that he WAS having a more grown-up relationship with another woman who he'd met online. It took me a while to work out but his pestering became a lot less and he was never available to meet me. When he confessed to it he told me he'd got involved with someone he didn't want to be with and was trying to break up with her, but it was very difficult as he'd introduced her to his kids and she was also very emotionally manipulative . He wanted to stay friends with me, and this was fine with me (again, more fool me), I suppose I thought that at some point he'd end the relationship with the other woman. But whenever we met up it was a bit rubbish - he was tired and distracted, and would spend the whole time trying to grope and kiss me with me batting him off. I kept suggesting that I just step away from the whole situation but he'd cry and say he couldn't bear to lose me. He would buy me gifts for valentines day, xmas etc. but I didn't reciprocate and I didn't particularly want him to do this as it was very confusing and felt he was just trying to keep me sweet.
We last saw each other at the beginning of the Summer, by which point I'd got completely pissed off with how he was treating me and fed up of waiting around for him to decide he had time for me (about once every 6 weeks for a quick drink by that point). I didn't issue any ultimatums or anything (I'm weak) but again I said I thought we should just stop seeing each other. He cried, again, and said his life was a total mess (new girlfriend being a pain, divorce going through, problems with kids) and he needed me in it, he missed me desperately etc etc. We left it that we'd just carry on meeting up for lunch or after work drinks as time allowed and we both drove away reasonably happy with that arrangement.
Then he just cut me off completely, I've heard nothing since that last meeting. After all his protestations and sobbing that we should carry on being friends, and all my offers to step away, he's the one who's made the decision to end it. He's given me no chance for any closure, or to say goodbye, no explanations. Why did he say all that stuff about missing me at our last meeting? How could he treat someone who adored him and was loyal for 5 years in such a shabby way? It makes everything we ever meant to each other, and said to each other, totally redundant. I know he's done me a favour because if he could treat me like this then he wasn't worth it. I just feel so angry and bitter and I want some closure.
I thought about sending him a letter about how what he has done has affected me (both the work thing and now this) but part of me feels like that would be a victory for him, and if he's loved up with the new girlfriend now then why would he care? I veer from wanting to do this, to bricking his windows through, to anonymously causing problems at work for him (I still have transcripts of our online work conversations which don't show him in a very professional light). To add insult to injury he's doing well at work now and got a promotion and pay rise whereas I've had nothing since moving to the new job. I'm leaving the company in 2 weeks anyway so I've got nothing really to lose by doing this. I'm so angry that he's happily carrying on with his life totally oblivious to the turmoil I'm going through about this.
I know I was weak, naive, too trusting, all that stuff. But that doesn't help me now. How can I move on from this situation?
(Sorry I didn't keep this very brief)
Don't send him the letter.
Change companies (well done on having that sorted already).
Learn to respect yourself as a defense against letting others use you in this manner in the future.
Live well -- live for yourself.
I wouldn't contact him further. Leave the company, make a fresh start and move on.
The way he's treated you is unacceptable, it's disgusting in fact. He never went 'public' with you? He decided to get a girlfriend instead of you being his girlfriend...fucked up.
I would take this opportunity to run, run as far away as possible. Write down your feelings, read over it again and again, time will heal it.
What an awful way to be treated, I feel for you
Thanks for your responses.
To be fair the 'not going public' thing was probably my fault as I was pretty determined to keep it casual (fear of commitment). I didn't expect him to stay with me forever but I didn't expect him to just turn to someone else without finishing it with me properly first, whist also keeping me dangling for as long as possible and then cut me off.
I've stopped loving him - I think, although it's really hard to tell without actually seeing him because at this moment he's some sort of Big Bad Wolf character unable to defend himself. Maybe it's better for me that way.
I'm doing the move away from the company not really because of him but it's one reason. Part of me keeps hoping I'll run into him before I leave and we'll get it all sorted and part on good terms....I told you I was naive.
I've deleted his number (though I know it by heart anyway), blocked him from MSN/work communicator, and I don't access his Outlook Calendar any more (I got a bit obsessed with that in an unhealthy way for a while and then realised it was doing me no good). Leaving work will be a boost in the right direction too.
if you think being weak and naive are good things then we have a very different set of values, which of course you are entitled to have but you can't judge me by your own standards
the relationship wasn't shi&&y - it was pretty great
i told him to get a gf and this was fine with me as long as he was honest (which he wasn't)
i met up with him because he was a friend on top of other things
i didn't try to mess anything up , unless you think meeting someone and trying to be their friend when that's what they say they want is trying to mess someone up (again don't judge me by your own standards, i had no ulterior motive other than to be a friend and also him saying he was finishing with the other woman)
so no, you don't have any of it right, but thanks for your input which sounds like you haven't actually read my original post
he said one thing and did another, and messed me about - he's not the 'victim' you're trying to paint him as
you really sound like you hate women!
Do not send any letters. Move on. He will just read a letter and think you are a clingy weirdo (not trying to sound mean!) It sounds a mess, and a waste of 5 years of your life. It's just going to polish his ego, and make you seem....as I said, clingy. They will both just laugh at it.
"I'm so angry that he's happily carrying on with his life totally oblivious to the turmoil I'm going through about this."
You do the asme. Hold your head high, move on!
I semi agree with the other poster (can't be arsed to scroll and check name ) - you didn't want him, now you are upset/angry he moved on? Sounds like it would have been OK on your say-so, or with your blessing, but, he cannot make his own choice? He did do it in a shitty way, but, if I was him I would suddenly come my senses and not bother with any contact again either. You won't get closure, not from him. I understand totally where you are - I have sort of been there (dumped a really shitty ex, then more fool me wanted him back and he was like "err... no" and I was reeling that he had closed the door, not me in the end) . You HAVE to move on, you really do. I swear, you will look back and feel such a twat if you send a letter. Enjoy the good memories, move on
Don't send the letter. You didn't cover yourself with glory either - look, you were in a relationship that didn't particularly work for him, you knew he wanted more, you weren't prepared to give that.
When you say 'no chance for closure' do you actually mean 'no chance to be the one that dumped him in a suitably dramatic way and broke his heart and made him cry and sob over his love for you'? You wanted a low commitment relationship, he wanted someone to live with and be his partner. Why would he continue to meet for lunch, post work drinks etc? you were never going to be the love of his life, so why drag out the ending?
Sorry, you sound like you loved the drama far more than you ever loved him.
Sorry, I'm really
You wanted him to move on, then he did and you're pissed off to the degree that you're considering "bricking his windows" and causing trouble for him at work.
Don't send the letter or engage in any way. You will look like a bunny boiler.
Tbh, I'm inclined to think he's had a very lucky escape. Sort yourself out before you get involved with anyone else..
Screwedbyboss, it all sounds very painful and confusing, who hasnt been 'weak' and let the other person get away with behaving badly? (Lord knows I have a black belt in it!!)
However you did stick to your guns and keep it casual, so you weren't all that weak.
As for not issuing ultimatums, well I dont thing that's necessarily a bad thing, you just did what you felt able to at the time, same as we all do!
Why did he keep you dangling? I guess because thats the sort of person he is, he wanted to be in control?
It's no wonder you feel pissed off and bitter, but well, y'know, shit happens in relationships just do what you have to in order to put it behind you, get on with your own life and look after number one. He behaved badly and will probably reap what he sowed in life (in the long run)
You've deleted his number and blocked him from msn etc, so you are taking steps to move on.
Chin up girl
screwed-you do realise you sound like a complete bunny boiler dont you? you protest how much you didnt want him,didnt want a serious relationship yet are pissed off now that he has exactly that?. I think this is a line that he has fed you over the years and you have convinced yourself to believe it and that it was you that made that choice. Move on for your own sanity.
oh dear, this is one of those times where I have sympathy with the bloke do you see that all you man-hating insinuators ??
You sound like you gave him the run around. He sounds like he let you so that he could have someone waiting in the wings before he dumped you from a great height
You sound bitter that you weren't the one to deliver the final dramatic death-blow to this dysfunctional relationship (it wasn't a great relationship....you had good times that is all, there are good times to be had in the worst of relationships)
I think you should stay out of his new life, and move on. You have been dumped. Any interference in his new relationship will not reflect at all well on you.
Better luck (and better behaviour from you) with the next one, I hope.
he said one thing and did another, and messed me about
That's what users do. I'm sorry OP but you put your hand out to be slapped here and you got slapped.
Learn from this. Abject loyalty in the face of all common sense will not be rewarded by a user. It will be punished. He just saw you as useful and convenient. That is all you presented to him.
So he took your goodies and then cut you off when something else came along.
In this world it's buyer beware. People will hurt you if YOU let them. There is no point you sending him a letter telling him that he hurt you. He doesn't care and what's more I'm afraid the whole debacle was your own fault.
Sorry but I hope you do learn from this, for your own sake.
Yes you're all right, even those who were unnecessarily personal and nasty.
I wouldn't seriously do anything or follow it up in any way, nor do I want to interfere in his new relationship. I asked advice about how to move on, not advice about getting revenge (even if I said I 'wanted' to brick his windows, I wouldn't actually do it, we all have wild fantasies about this kind of thing when we feel hurt don't we?).
And when the baby comes I won't be going to him for anything either - let sleeping dogs lie - he refused to believe it was his anyway and it's not as if I need him. I've got a job, the poor chap has got better things to spend his money on, and of course I don't want to mess up his relationship with either his DP (the truly innocent woman) or his kids.
Yes you're all right it's better to let the pathetic relationship die and me never giving him another thought.
Thanks all for your wise words and encouragement to do the right thing.
This isn't really stacking up for me- so you told him you were pregnant at your last meeting, he refused to believe it was his, but sobbed and wanted you back anyway? Okaaaay.
Oh and I fully agree with Pink4ever when she said you protest how much you didnt want him,didnt want a serious relationship yet are pissed off now that he has exactly that?hmm. I think this is a line that he has fed you over the years and you have convinced yourself to believe it and that it was you that made that choice
I too think you're in a bit of denial about that. You might even have come to somewhat believe it yourself. It's not borne out by your actions. You waited around, you let him mess you around.
I think you wanted to feel you were a player, you didn't have a choice to move the relationship on. You like to think you did but I don't think you did.I think you wanted to feel you were in the game but you were hopelessly out of your depth.
If all you wanted was a casual relationship with him then why are you so cut up about it to the point of wanting to brick his widows and plot 'anonymous' revenge schemes?
It makes no sense.
And by the way. Do not do that. It won't for a minute be anonymous. It'll be as obvious as the nose on your face that it's you. You say you're leaving the company so it won't matter but it will. These things alawys come out and you will look a tremendous fool when it does. Future employers could ring there for a referenece and you won't get one by sending 'anonymous' hate mail.
Forget about it. Learn from it and don't let thing like this happen to you again.
Join the discussion
Please login first.