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Is that such a good idea?

(11 Posts)
CactusRash Tue 06-Sep-11 10:14:41

OK had put together and very long post and though you would be bored to death with it.

Basically, H has been a prat for many years due to him not handling being a dad and not knowing to handle stressful situations/conflicts. he automatically goes into passive aggressive behavior.

I have tried to leave a couple of times now. First time I was noweher near ready to do so. The second time, I went into panick mode (mainly due to financial issues).
This time I had decided I would leave after the dcs are back at school and my resolve has disappeared again.
H has tried hard this year to change quite a few of his behaviors and things have improved a lot (even though they are nowhere near perfect). For the first time in years, he has started to show some interest/attention (eg bringing me a cup of tea, cuddles) which i know I would relish if I was letting myself into it iyswim.
But he still can't have a conversation with me. It's like he can't even do general chichat with me, no eye contact during a meal with just the 2 of us. I know he is after sex, don't ask me how I just know. But this is something I can not face just now. It would repulse me tbh. For whatever reason, it also made me wonder if he is only making an effort because he wants sex or if the looking after sex as a way to check/ show each other love??

And still when I was looking at him yesterday I wondered how I could think of leaving him when he is trying so hard. A part of me is wanting to give him more time, more chances.

Is that such a good idea? When do you know enough is enough?

CactusRash Tue 06-Sep-11 10:49:12


aleene Tue 06-Sep-11 10:52:24

If you have to ask the question you are perhaps not ready.
Sounds like you need counselling really.
The part about no eye contact and no chit chat suggests that he may have some Aspergers? Is that a possibility?

CactusRash Tue 06-Sep-11 11:07:23

I am having counselling atm.

not so sure about it though. it has helped me look at his behavior with a much more 'neutral' outlook. This is good and also a reason why I wanted to leave. I can tell you what I do not accept now.
But there are other thinsg I am not so sure about.

I know what you mean about not being ready.

Re AS and H... I have no idea whether it is AS or being PA or anythingelse really. For me, the point is that he finds being emotionally close/intimate very difficult and I am finding that very difficult to handle.

aleene Tue 06-Sep-11 11:24:52

Can I ask if he is stressed about his work? I think that can affect how close you feel to your partner.
Was he always like this?

CactusRash Tue 06-Sep-11 11:34:21

H has very strong passive aggressive tendancies. That measn he is always seing things in a negative way. Always has problem with his bosses (who are always doing the wrong thing blabla). That's when he is talking to me about it and not just got grumpy and sulky, not talked to anyone in the house.

Otherwise, he has said for about 10 years now that he hates his job but still has made no attempt to find another one. Procastination.. (again PA)

You see the issue is that for the last 9 years I have found lots of reasons for him to be difficult to live with. I have also accepted behaviors I shouldn't have accepted (my fault). Now I want to give him back the responsability of his attitude/behaviors (Something he doesn't want. He has laready told me that if he is angry then it's X or Y fault ie not his. X or Y can be his dcs or me or whoever else but not him. But it is OK for us to bear his grumpyness)

CactusRash Tue 06-Sep-11 15:09:49

I have been thinking about it and I think the issue is that I am feeling guilty to end this relationship.
Not sure why though.

mumsamilitant Tue 06-Sep-11 15:51:32

Maybe it's just that like you say, you're still mulling it all over and haven't got to the end just yet. You're still attending counciling. As for him having AS, sometimes I just think it's a personality thing and at the end of the day, if he's not right for you any more, he just isn't. Why not make a few enquiries/put some things in place, re. your financial situation in the meantime. This will only make you stronger in your resolve.

CactusRash Tue 06-Sep-11 21:44:03

I have done all that, reviewed all the financial things, gone to a sollicitor for a first meeting and check I am happy with her. I can't do anythingelse until I have told him it's over really.

I agree that if someone isn't right for you then he isn't whatever the reason. I am also not in love with him. But I do care for him and certainly do not wish him any harm.
And I know that the separation will be hard for him to cope with, which is making it particularly hard for me.

mumsamilitant Wed 07-Sep-11 09:58:41

Morning CactusRash. Well, seems you have things pretty well covered. Just remember guilt is a waste of emotion and as far as we know, we only have one life, its too short to be with someone out of pity. Good luck!

CactusRash Thu 08-Sep-11 09:38:14

Thanks. Still here and I've still said nothing but reading other posts on here has made me think a lot.

It's dc1 b'day in a couple weeks. Wandering if I am waiting until this is done.... but then I would find another excuse not to do it lol sad

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