Ok brief outline of situation- exp "mildy" abusive in last few yrs of relationship(we were together 9 years) Would read threads on here and think dp does that and that and people would tell the Op to get out.
After very rocky few months i told him to leave beg of the yr. After one particular incident involving two of our children i knew enough was enough.
We had a mutual friend, he worked at the same place as exp and exp brought him home after a few weeks of getting to know him for a few beers.
The first time i met the friend I was attracted to him(which i never ever acted on/flirted or anything as exp had cheated before on me and its just not me) he also stuck up for me when exp said something out of line to me/about me,but it never ever crossed my mind that the friend might be attracted to me. we'd known the friend 3 yrs before splitting.
After splitting with exp i see more of this friend and the friend seemed to avoid exp for quite a few weeks after the initial split. we start spending quite a bit of time together, talking for 7 hours solid at a time whilst lying on his bed watching films for example, texting went from short and polite when id been with exp to xx's on the end and txts first thing in the morning at like hlf five/six when he knew id be up with the kids, wanting to know what i was up to and how i was. thats how the situation stayed for months, we'd hang out, watch films, have a few glasses of wine etc but nothing more. one evening when we just starting seeing more of each other we had a very weird conversation which led onto the fact he was circumsized and that he had scarring and that he had a problem with PE?! I had no idea what this all meant, did he see me as a agony aunt/sister figure confidant or was he laying his cards on the table??
To add more complication to this the friends dad was ill,terminally and getting worse as months/weeks went by. I also lost my dad four yrs ago so I think he felt he could talk to me. i was there for him through it and when his dad died i was cut up. I didnt know his dad as such but I felt at a loss, i just wanted to be with the friend, we met up for a few hrs 2 days after hed died and talked. when i left we hugged for what seemed like ages, id sort of leaned in and he pulled me closer so we were torso to torso. afterwards i txt "tht was a lovely hug :)" and hed replied with "im never sure about duration" and I replied "long hugs aways nice, especially with feeling behind them" and hed replied " I couldnt agree more".
A few months after this i questioned weather he was interested in me as still nothing happened, I wondered if i was imagening it as his body language was very positive, he just seemed shy/holding back. He said things along these lines "if hed known me before id got with exp then who knows what wouldve happened" "id feel i was stabbing exp in the back" (exp incidently was with someone else within 6 weeks of splitting,still with her now)
etc etc. I tell him i dont understand his behaviour, he agreed he was sending mixed signals and that he was confused. I asked him if was a chance something something might happen in the future between us and after some very unclear texts about how he thinks im great and how he loves spending time with me and how he cares about me im curt with him and ask him for a yes or no and he said i hate to say it but never.
More months go by and hes acting the same as before, when were together were so close were almost touching, like theres an invisable line that neither of us cross. Im quite shy as he is which doesnt help.
One evening he invites me over and we get through a few bottle of wine so he says your welcome to stay, we have a great evening and i fell asleep on his bed whilst watching a film so he covers me over with a blanket and gets into bed. I wake up later and wonder where to go so i get into bed with him. well hands didnt stay away very long and we have an amazing night despite that previous convo months before about 'down there'!! no worries there! The sex is so lovely, and afterwards he stares into my eyes for ages and eskimo kisses me and brushes my hair behind my ear etc, it feels like way more than just sex??
weve met up whenever my children are with their dad. Recently he questioned what 'we' are, are we a couple?
I said at present i think were fwb as you said you dont want a relationship and a relationship consists of more than what we have at the moment.
since then he seems to be tring harder, doing things fior me, getting me things.Meeting up more, phoning and talking for hrs rather than just texting, hes even come to my house(which hes not done since i split with exp) twice now!
The first time he only stayed ten minutes but he hung around by the door, i wasnt sure or confident enough to kiss him and he seemed the same.
Today he not only came to the houe, he stayed an hour and before leaving he gives me a massive hug and kiss which was great.progress!
This wkend ive not got my children for 2 nights and he invited me over but theyve just moved house and his new rooms right next to his mums(before it was huge house with long landing). Ive told him i dont feel i can stay. i think itd be too weird, id feel like i was 16 again. hes already said hes weirded out by the thought of staying in what was exp's bed/house too. we are at a stalemate!
Additional info-were in our mid twenties, hes a yr younger than me, i have three children, one whos quite young.hes not had a relationship or anything at all for 6 yrs!
Just want some insight on this situation espec after reading another thread on here which made me wonder.
What is going on with him?is he not that into me? is it his insecurites and inexperience making him behave like that? any thought gratefully received
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Long but easy to read and desperate for insight
starsintheireyes · 05/09/2011 23:30
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