Is our marriage over?

[lovechocolate]

Hi. Im hoping someone can give me some advice/ their opinion. Things have come to a head this evening with my DH. (I live abroad in a different time zone) Earlier this evening, my DH picked our 9 month old DS by holding one of his hands picking him up off the floor moving him and putting him down again. My DH is a good Dad but I was really taken aback by how he was moving him and said something like 'What are you doing, you cannot pick a baby up like that" I know the tone of my voice was wrong and apologised for that. He said nothing. I said that he could have really hurt him. We had tickets booked for the theatre so we went and he has ignored me all evening. I tried several times to talk to him and got one word answers if that.
Anyway now back at home and I said could we sort this out before we went to bed. He said that he was going to sleep so I said that I needed to say some things to him first or I would not be able to sleep. I told him that it was not all down to me, that how I spoke was wrong and I have apologised for that but what I said was right he could of hurt DS. I said I knew he wouldn't intentionally hurt him but he could of and I blurted it out at the time because I couldn't believe what I was seeing. He is still putting it all down to me and I explained that I was reacting to the stupid thing he had done so it wasn't all me.
It sounds so petty now Im writing it down but I felt really bad all evening and didn't think I deserved to be ignored. Things have been building up for a while and he said the way I treat him/speak to him is wrong but didn't give me any examples when I asked him. I said I think we need marriage councelling as its getting so bad Im even starting to think about divorce. He said" Divorce me then". What do I do? We have 2 beautiful children (DS 9 months and DD 3 years) If we split we would have to move back to England and I don't want to take the children away from him he is a great Dad. We have never mentioned divorce or councelling before.
There is also issues with MIL which are really impacting our marriage. I have been reading Toxic In Laws and she is a classic controller. DH says he knows what she is like and that he will read the book so we can deal with it together but he still hasn't. I get wound up with him because he doesn't say anything when she is out of line so do get short tempered at times but I don't think Im that bad! He thinks Im nagging!
What do I do?
Thanks so much for reading this.

[lovechocolate]

Off to bed now so if you answer this please understand it will be a while before you get a response. Thanks

[ChippingIn]

Hi

How long have you been living overseas? It's not easy without friends and family.

If you did separate why would you have to come back to the UK?

Without seeing what he did - it's hard to know if he was doing something that could hurt DS or just doing something you wouldn't do - if you know what I mean. They're tough little critters.

It sounds like he's very fed up at the moment and feels constantly 'in the wrong'. Maybe it's something you both need to look at - whether he's constantly doing 'stuff' that's fucking stupid/annoying or if you are over-reacting to what he does. Without being there, it's hard to know.

MIL - it is really hard when your DH doesn't support you when you have issues with his Mother - particularly when he admits she is toxic. It's even harder when you don't have the support of your own family & friends.

About getting a divorce - we all say things in the heat of the moment that we don't mean...

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

How does he usually react to criticism from you?

[piellabakewell]

Apart from the relationship issues, you are absolutely right in your concerns about how your baby was handled. It is extremely easy to dislocate bones in the wrist in under fives even when picked up by both of their hands, never mind one.

[lovechocolate]

Thanks for your responses.
Been overseas for 2 years now. We are here with DH's, work and we love living here. I would go back to the UK as I would want to be with my family and my friends. Here is a very transient place that expats come to work.

DS wasn't hurt but I suppose I just didn't like the way he was lifting him.

DH definately does feel in the wrong all the time from what he was saying earlier. Been thinking about the incidents today. There were a few now I think of them..
DH took both children swimming for the first time together, I was watching. He was playing with DD and DS was in his float seat thing close by but behind DHs head so he couldn't see him. I said then he had to hold on to the float.
He sat DS on the poolside and was with him DS fell forwards and face went in the pool, DH got him very quickly then sat him in the same place and it happened again. DH could see I was nervous.I was thinking why would you put him back there!
Then the incident I wrote about earlier and then finally a the theatre the only thing DH said to me was did I want a drink. Said I would if I could take it in with me but wouldnt if I had to drink it before going in as not much time. Could he ask? He didnt ask, I was stopped at the door and told I couldn't take it in.I did say why didnt you ask?! Am I a nag?

DH is so used to saying nothing and letting things go over his head from his Mum for a for a quiet life and now hes doing the same with me. He says absolutely nothing and it drives me crazy sometimes. Thats why I really want him to read the toxic in laws book. He is an under reactor and so am I (keep things bottled up then lose it over something trivial). It advises you to tell people when you are upset etc and DH knows I am trying really hard to do this, its not easy! Sometimes he will say no to something and I dont push it I accept its no.

[lovechocolate]

Thanks Piellabakewell

[lovechocolate]

Definately off to bed now, will have to be up in 5 hours! I really appreciate any advice and opinions. Thank you.

[waterrat]

op sounds like this man is grinding you down with his constant childish grumps and unpleasant behaviour. Stonewalling is horrible - you are going round and round in your mind trying to work out what you have done wrong - actually he is being a total arse. Not talking to you is unacceptable and bullying.

[TDada]

Please could both of you climb down from your positions and forgive each other. And try not to talk about divorce too often as it will become the weapon of forst resort in future. Each talk for 5mins without interupption and make a list of 3 things that you each want the other other to focus on. Re-assess on a weekly basis and then monthly.

Cuddle and be generally affectionate and make effort to be understanding of each other's position....diff for your DH as he is in a no win position. Don't get trappedin arguing about the little things when you should be talking through and resolving the big things.

....I am rambling, I know but just a brain dump....

[garlicnutter]

Lovechocolate, I'll keep this uncharacteristically short but will check tomorrow & hope your thread's nice and long by then!

The tone of your voice was wrong? - for which you instantly apologised, have apologised again and have re-apologised in your post.

Please tell me, what is the correct tone of voice for when an adult is manhandling a baby improperly?

Both my exes were fond of taking issue with my tone of voice. It's a nice state of affairs, when you not only have to pre-censor your words but also the timbre of your speech. They also this thing about the set of my jaw, too - if my face showed tension, I was automatically in the wrong. Have you had this yet?

Good Dads don't haul babies up by one tiny hand. Neither do they punish their partner for her tone of voice by ignoring her for hours.

Not that short, then, but hopefully to the point.

[TDada]

Yes, your DH has to start by apologizing

[crje]

Agree with chipping in,
Will play devils advocate and see things dh's way-
wife is unhappy away from home, makes him feel bad,she criticises his parenting-she hates his mother and its all HIS problem !!!!!!!

You sound like hard work tbh, he has moved you away so now all your problems are his..........you know best when it comes to the kids........

Your kids are fine ,rather than looking over his shoulder while he is with them use the time to take a break. If you have a problem with being away from home address that with him-don't pick on him for things that aren't really the problem. His mother can be kept at arms length-he will resent you if you force him to push her out.......

Id be careful if I were you-you may just get that divorce and it would have been for the lack of trying and cutting some slack.

[ChippingIn]

To be perfectly honest it's hard to say without being there & seeing you both, but you do sound quite hard work and as though everything has to be done your way. Why were you 'overseeing' the swimming - don't you trust him at all? Maybe you genuinely just wanted to watch them having fun - but maybe your constant criticism makes him feel like you don't trust him with them. It wont hurt DS one bit to go forward into the water - it's the kind of thing the do at swimming classes. He didn't hurt him when he picked him up/moved him - it just wasn't how you do it. He either forgot to ask about your drink at the bar or thought you would enjoy it and just drink what you could before you went in.

You sound very stressed and on edge - do you think there's any chance you could have PND?

I mean I could be wrong, your DH could be a complete and utter twat - but it's just not how your post reads to me.

[garlicnutter]

You sound very stressed and on edge

Most people would be, having a partner who stonewalls her when she's dared to even imply criticism.

[Thumbwitch]

First off, you were right to be concerned that he could have hurt your DS - his elbow could have dislocated being picked up like that. Not so sure why you think he is a "great father" if he isn't concerned about things like that.

His silent treatment is childish. It sounds as though he isn't bothered by your threats - is that because you make them frequently but never follow through? Or does he just "know" you won't ever do it?

Your relationship is in a bad place and you are personally in a bad place to deal with it - you need to work out what you want from this, whether you want to mend your marriage or to ditch it and leave. And then work towards whichever you choose.
Your husband also gets to choose - does he want to stay married to you? If not, would you fight to save the marriage?

Non-communication is poison to any marriage - he needs to talk about stuff, not just close off - perhaps counselling will help you both to communicate more effectively.

[lovechocolate]

Thanks every one for your messages.
We talked this morning about it all. And you are right I am hard work at the moment. I have agreed that I will try to chill out where the children are concerned and he is going to read the toxic in laws book as alot of our issues are arising from the MIL at the moment. When hes read it we will then talk about it again. He says he wont lift him like that again and that yes he was wrong to ignore me.
Chippingin when I read your comment about if I have PND I knew that yes, I do.As soon as I saw it, it was so obvious to me. I was feeling down after having DS and did the edinburugh test (cant remember exact name) and scored 9. It was on the cusp so I told myself to pull myself together and get on with things. I just did the test again and scored 17. It sounds so stupid that I didnt realise why Im not myself at the moment. Thank you so much. Will go to GP tomorrow.
We still have issues to deal with but at least if I get back on track to being me we have a better chance of sorting things out.
Thumbwitch, he says he doesnt need to go to councelling so wont go. I said but as a couple we need to sort things out. We agreed that we will talk regularly and that we will both compromise. If that doesnt work then I will suggest councelling again.
Thanks everyone.

[piellabakewell]

That's great news, lovechocolate.

[piellabakewell]

PS Obviously it's not great that you have PND, but at least you can do something about it now!

[Thumbwitch]

Lovechocolate, that sounds good. If he is able to discuss things openly and regularly with you then you probably won't need a third person (counsellor) involved - but if that communication breaks down then yes, do suggest it again.
I am glad that you have realised there is something more going on and that you will go and see your GP about it - and hope that things only get better from now on for you.

[lovechocolate]

Hi every one, just thought I would let you know that I went to the gp today and she said she thought I had pnd too. She had referred me on to a psychiatrist and I am seeing them tomorrow. Wasn't expecting that and a bit uneasy about it but will go. Thank you all for your help. :)