My marriage is making me miserable :(

[princessglitter]

So fed up. I have been married for 6 years and have 3 children. For a long time I have not found dh physically attractive and we have not had a sexual relationship for months and months (it doesn't appeal to me at all and dh doesn't seen bothered). He irritates me and has a habit of either stonewalling me or going out in a huff if I try to have a discussion with him.

Today he was off work and only had our two year old at home with him. I had a friend coming over after work, so asked him to help clean up so I wasn't embarrassed by the state of the house. When I came home from work, dh had mopped, but had left stains in the loo, underpants on the bathroom floor and stuff all over the dining table. I had a bit of a moan about about it, so he said: 'I'm going out' and drove off. Just feel a bit :(

[Renaissance227]

Sounds like you are both unhappy.
Get your finances sorted and, as hard as it will be, try to find a way to end it. x

[stayforthekids1]

really? Just end it?

Sounds like all normal marriage issues to me. How old are your children? I think sex lives often go a bit wrong when you have children. Its so hard to find the time when you arent tired and it loses its appeal. It takes work on both sides to bring that back.

If he is stonewalling you, then you need to try to find a time when nothing has happened, just a random time to try sit him down and talk to him. As in properly talk to him. Not a, you do this, you do that and I am not happy. More of a, WE have these issues and I would like US to come to some solutions that will make us both happy.

Marriages take work. Obviously if it turns out only one of you is willing to work at it, then there may not be a future for it, but it sounds like there is hope yet. If you want there to be.

[princessglitter]

My children are all small - 18 months, 3 and 5 and most of the time we're exhausted. We never ever have time without the dcs, so we don't know how to talk to each other anymore.

[stayforthekids1]

there is your problem. Its easy when you are really tired to become irritated by each other and less tolerant when you feel each is not pulling enough weight. Is there anyone you can get to baby sit for you? I have four dc, aged 6,5, 3 and 18 months. I know what it can be like!

If you can find a baby sitter even just once a month, you can take that time do something together, whatever it is and to talk things through. Dont get so lost in your children that you forget you were a couple before they came along. If you both want it enough you can get those feelings back.

[PercyPigPie]

I agree, with children that young, I think you are doing well to be even speaking to each other! It is an exhausting time and one in which your children need and take every bit of energy you have.

Give it a little while until your youngest is at nursery/another at school and things will slowly come back to normal. In the meantime, I agree with the suggestions above.

[harrisonmum]

agree with stayforthekids (reason behind that name i guess??). You just need to talk to hubby. He is probably feeling undesired and unloved. Men are so much more basic than us! I went through a wobbly phase with hubby after baby number one and explained that if he treated me better, (small compliments, helping in the house, occasional cup of tea!) it would make me warmer to him and therefore WANT to have sex with him.... Men get so grumpy when they don't get any!!

Whatabout counselling? Have you talked to your husband? Was the r'ship good before kids or has he always been more of a friend than a lover?
thinking of you x

[princessglitter]

I can't even remember the relationship before the kids. Think we got on well at one time. It is hard getting anyone to look after all three and they are not good sleepers.

[motherinferior]

I really don't think telling someone their life will improve in 18 months (when the 18 month old starts nursery) is much help...

OP, I am sorry you are feeling like this. I would be profoundly unhappy withe a partner who didn't pull his weight around the house, quite apart from anything else. Do you want an evening out with him? Because I was going to ask how much time you get for you? Can you leave him with the kids for an evening and go out with your friends and have fun and just remember what you are like? That might give you a bit of a reality check. You might have an idea of whether you think it's worth hanging on in there, or not.

[princessglitter]

That sounds a good idea motherinferior. I've been invited out with some old friends this month. I can't remember the last time I went out, so it would do me good.

[happyforthemostpart]

agree - really good idea for you to have some you time.
hope he is positive about this for you

[ImperialBlether]

He sounds incredibly disrespectful, leaving a dirty toilet and his underpants on the bathroom floor. That would be bad enough if you were the only other person there, but the fact he knew a visitor was expected makes it awful.

I've been divorced a few years now and although I'd love to be married, the thought of living with someone like him makes my stomach heave.

[InTheArmyNow]

Errrr normal couple issues???
Stonewalling? Refusing to discuss issues? Going in a huff because your wife is making a comment?

no sorry this is not 'normal couple issues'. This is the behavior of someone who is disrespectful at least and hurtful too.

Yes it is harder when you have young dcs. You are tired, not a lot of time etc... but a lot of people seem to be able to cope wo using the tactics your DH is using and I can not see why you should accept it.

Leaving the house in a mess (in effect he made 'haf a job' knowing it would be an issue for you as you had visitors coming) is not respectful either of your guest or of yourself.

So do you want to spend an evening with him or would you find it a chore? Can you sometimes speak to him or is he going silent as soon as you approach a subject he isn't happy with?
If you ask for some help, whatever the help, does he do it sometimes with good grace or is he always making clear it is a huge effort for him and he is unhappy about it?
I think you are right in that you don't know how to talk to each other anymore. Certainly, what you are describing are at least very bad communication techniques. So working on that would help solving the issues you have atm (whether it be pulling his weight re housewrok or whatever other issues you need to look at).
But I would also look at his behavior to see where his 'grumpiness' is coming from.

I also think that 'just trying to ride it on' as some posters are suggesting isn't the right way to approach it. You are already getting irritated by him (so prob I imagine with things that you weren't that annoyed abut before). If you leave it for too long, your relationship will suffer from it and might not be salvageable once 'the children are at school they are older etc...' ie things should be easier. Also how are you prepared to accept behaviors that are imo unacceptable?

[thebody]

so sorry for you, both of you, remember theres just one side of the relationship here last two posters.

i cant belive you would consider ending a marriage of 6 years and 3 children because effectivley your dh had mopped the floor but not cleaned the loo!!!

you dont find him attractive, sorry if this was a man posting then would we all be jumping on him as a bastard who should understand his wife has got 3 small children etc....

you both are obviously exhausted, you say yourself that the children dont sleep well, this seems to me to be the first thing to tackle, are they in your bed? at 18 months, 3 and 5 they should be sleeping from at least 7 to 7 and its up to you BOTH to sort this out, lack of sleep will affect every body in the house and its miserable so do the controlled crying TOGETHER.. be firm with them and get some time back for you both for your sanity.

when this is sorted and you have an evening and good nights sleep together, which you easily can if you both sort your kids out, then you can re connect as a couple and decide if there is the old spark still there, i belive that a good sex life is integral for any marriage as is cuddling and just watching the telly together without the kids. why are you thinking of going out with your friends when life at home is so crap, dont run away, tackle the important issues first and thats definatly your marriage.

[princessglitter]

thebody, controlled crying is not something I will consider or believe in. The older two don't tend to wake us in the night, but it can be a struggle getting them to bed sometimes. The younger one wakes in the night and yes, he is in my bed.

[thebody]

i did controlled crying with my oldest dc, took 2 nights and after that both h,. I and dh were sane again.

if you arnt ready to tackle the sleep problems then they arent that bad(i was so tired i actually prayed that i would develop appendecitis so that i could be take to hospital and be put to sleep)

or you are using the children to act as a shield to stop you spending the time and effort you should spend together, evenings are for you adults to enjoy not for the kids to dominate or participate in.

please understand that i am not critisising you in the least but your post sounded just so tired and your dh sounds so tired and both of you pissed off, that surely you have to do something.

life with 3 kid should be fun???? marriage should be fun and happy most of the time, you both deserve to be happy, sex should be a part of this surely.

but best of luck to you anyway and hope you sort things out together.

[princessglitter]

Thank you :) He did come back and do some housework and got me my favourite chocolate bar, so he must have realised how I was feeling.

[TheDreamWeaver]

www.amazon.co.uk/New-Baby-Toddler-Sleep-Programme/dp/0091825911?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

this book saved my sanity

[kangers]

good princess- glad for you.

[princessglitter]

will check out that book - thank you.

[Billmelater]

You sound really unhappy. Not just fed up and tired. It's not just normal couple stuff. Can you try Relate? You have three children, so of course it's worth trying to salvage the relationship. But really that doesn't sound like a problem that's going to get better as the children grow.

[SpeedyGonzalez]

What thebody said. We only know the OP's side and it is ridiculous to suggest that she leaves and breaks up the family without knowing the full picture.

princessglitter - imagine you are your DH. Okay, now really imagine you're him - place yourself in his head for a while and then ask yourself what things you would post on Dadsnet about your wife.



No doubt both of you have small, medium-sized and even large irritations with each other. Stonewalling is classic male behaviour (NB: not all men, but it's fairly typical of most) when they feel unable to deal with an emotional problem. It is bloody irritating, bloody childish and does nothing to solve the problem. But it is classic behaviour. It wouldn't surprise me if the petulant half-arsed attempt at tidying was also a classic male thing, a sort of silent protest. And then, to be fair to men, I have to ask myself what are the classic female behaviours which annoy the hell out of men!

In fact, you might find it informative to do a web search on male/ female differences and see whether you come up with a list of behaviours which reflect your own experience. Hopefully you'll find something useful so that you can see that (1) you ARE normal, and (2) you CAN work through this stuff, as long as both of you work at it.

This is a really, really stressful time for couples, when your kids are young (we have two kids with similar ages so I sympathise since you have three!).

IMO you can't connect on a 'let's sort this out' level until you connect on a less threatening/ overwhelming level. So you both need to have fun together, as some people have already suggested. I do appreciate (from my own present experience) the challenge of having children that wake regularly. It is exhausting, let alone the fact that it makes it so hard to get out of the house.

Do you have a garden? Could you buy a nice bottle of wine and a pudding, and then sit in the garden with the baby monitor next to you, and play a board game/ do something else that doesn't involve an intense talking session? You need to say to your DH 'I feel like we're not connecting any more. You mean so much to me and I really want to do something about this. Can we try and do a fun thing together once a fortnight and see if that helps?"

I know all this is easier said than done, but take comfort that your problems are not unique and, if you fundamentally have a good relationship, your problems are solvable.

[SpeedyGonzalez]

Dreamweaver - what was it about the book that you liked so much?