my relationship with myself ? sorry long whinge

[HeifferunderConstruction]

(didint know where to post)
I see quite alot of people posting on here who seem to have fairly positive ideas's about themselves.
e.g. intelligent, attractive, etc
attrative is a trivial area of a persons life but a big problem for me.
I am was born ugly one of lifes unfortunates,
I am in a relationship but the ugly cloud still lingers it hangs over me every second of the day it consumes my every though how ugly I am, constantly topping up make up hoping I may be satisfied but I'm not,
I'm fat aswell which doesnt help. working on it though, but I do have massive binges now and again like I don;t care but I do deep down.
It doesnt help that (friends/female) surrounded by attractive people or people who were IYSWIM
everytime I see people on tv who are pretty saying about how low their self esteem is I just wanna scream at them 'you don't know how lucky you are!'
I just feel so doomed that I'll never be anything other than 'ugly' I just cry or feel liek crying everynight it just consumes my thoughts,
So how do you get past that? and have a realtionship with myself ifyswim?

I don't know how I'm gonna spend the rest of my life like this, just a horrificlly ugly creature. or at least stop it upsetting me so much.

[Fairenuff]

Is this just your opinion or do your friends and family agree? How we see ourselves often comes from within not what we see in the mirror. What, specifically, do you think is ugly about yourself and who has been telling you this?

[SirSugar]

You say you are in a relationship, how does your partner view you?

[buzzsorekillington]

Have you had any counselling?

Is there anything about yourself that you feel positive about?

[HeifferunderConstruction]

my relatives are backhanded compliment sorta people they were sorta pretty in their day and they are disapointed with me I think.
my friends never say ur ugly, but there all so pretty its emphaiszes the fact im ugly IYSWIM.
I think my DP thinks im ok, I always thought that when I got a bf all this feeling would disapear coz I knew someobody could want me, but it didn't :/
no counselling , thers nothing good about me I don't think :/

I think I've answered questions lol

[bubaluchy]

we are all ugly when we get older, it's more important to nurture a good heart then people will see you as beautiful because they feel good when they're around you.
Eat well sleep well and exercise- not for outer beauty but for inner peace.

[HeifferunderConstruction]

i'm not even old :/ (early 20's)

I'm sad that when I am old I can't look back on my photos and say yeah I was a pretty lass I just seen a younger ogre with less wrinkles :/

[HeifferunderConstruction]

I'm addressing my diet, (well had a horrendous binge this weekend) feel quite angry with myself

[Fairenuff]

You see, I don't think you are ugly, I think you may have low self-esteem. What makes you see a compliment as 'back-handed'. Can you name a celebrity or well known person that you consider ugly. Just so that we can get an idea of what you think ugly is.

And as buzzsore said, what do you like about yourself?

[HeifferunderConstruction]

they never just give a compliment its always comes with a little snide bit.

I cant think of an ugly female celeb ill have to think

Kim Kardashian is what I'd call beautiful,

I am ugly I think thatswhy its so bad alot of women say they are ugly when really theu know there not, but I am which makes it worse IYSWIM,

I don't really like naything I suppose I've become relaint on waht others think I eman I know i'm a nice person , friendly but thats doesnt really count to much

[HeifferunderConstruction]

anything reliant

[Fairenuff]

There you HuC, you don't really like anything about yourself, you rely on what others think and you don't value your friendly personality.

There's nothing wrong with your looks, I'm sure. We can all make the best of what we're given, nice haircut, good diet, get contact lenses/fashionable glasses, regular trips to the dentist, stylish clothes, whatever. Not many of us are 'blessed' with the looks of Julia Roberts or George Clooney.

It's how you value yourself, self-esteem which determines how you feel about your looks along with everything else about yourself.

What do you think about public figures such as Dawn French, Danny DeVito, Susan Boyle, Gerard Depardieu, Barbara Streisand, Arnold Schwarznegger, Liza Minelli, Rowan Atkinson, Jo Brand, Matt Lucas . . .

I would not call any of them ugly but they are not standard hollywood glamour and that didn't stop any of them or hundreds like them succeeding in their careers.

There's a lot more than looks to make a person successful and attractive.

[thesunshinesbrightly]

HeifferunderConstruction - I could of posted your thread. It doesnt matter what people say we will never believe them. Don't know what the answer is but wanted too let you know your not alone.

[buzzsorekillington]

I think you need to get some counselling or possibly CBT to counter these negative thought patterns and build up your resilience to your family's backhanded compliments.

You're young, don't spend your youth hating the way you look and feeling so shit about yourself. You'll look back and think not 'what an ugly bint I was', but 'why did I waste so much time and energy hating myself?'

Get some help with this. You've only got one shot at life.

[tadpoles]

"they never just give a compliment its always comes with a little snide bit."

It sounds as though you have been fed messages since you were young that you have to look or behave in a certain way in order to gain approval. In other words, gaining approval and love was 'conditional'.

That is crap. Feeling good about yourself is really not to do with how you look. What does 'ugly' mean, anyway? For me, attractiveness is a lot to do with a person's character. Someone could look like a model, but be horrible and that would make them unattractive, in my eyes anyway.

I think you have been fed very negative messages which are affecting your self-esteem. I grew up in a family where being 'slim' was considered an ideal. One of my children ended up being quite overweight - she had exactly the same diet as everyone else, just metabolised/built differently. I was determined not to make her feel 'bad' about herself and also didn't want my daughers to feel that their self-worth was based on how they look, or what size they were.

No-one has a right to make you feel bad about yourself, or dictate what you 'should' look like. Self-worth comes from other things - there are plenty of model-type people who are miserable. I am not even sure what 'ugly' means - to me, it would mean someone who was mean-spirited and malicious, even if they looked like an angel!

[Fairenuff]

You said it better than me tadpoles. And HuC what makes you think beautiful people are happy? Look at everything Cheryl Cole has been through recently. No matter how 'attractive' you are you can still think you are 'ugly' or unworthy if you don't feel valued by other people.

Attractiveness or 'ugliness' can never be quantified by ourselves because beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.

[HeifferunderConstruction]

Thanks for the messages I feel a bit less humph today but still there

-thesunshinesbrightly it nice to know its not just me, Its like this horrible funk I cant get out of.

[takeonboard]

There is an awful lot more to a person than their face and looks.

We all have strengths and weaknesses, so you are never going to be a supermodel - along with 99.9% of the population................tell us about the rest of you, your mind, your spirit, your personality, hobbies, talents, skills - therin lies the whole you and you will find beauty in there somewhere. Real beauty of the deep and lasting kind.

If you truly were ugly deep inside, you wouldn't have friends and a partner, if you can't see your beauty then ask them what they love about you, then learn to love yourself.

[HeifferunderConstruction]

I hear everybody but I also don't IYSWIM the 'beauty lies within, everyones beautiful' inside seems to wash over me if that makes any sense.

I may actually ask my OH what he liked about me and when I think what I loved about him its his sense of humour when we first met each other I can member he really made me laugh and was easy to talk to, I'm ususally not someone who has male friends so I have no idea how to socialise with blokes with my OP i got on like a house on fire,

[HeifferunderConstruction]

Anyway I digress lol, I need to find a way for me to snap myself out of this.

[Fairenuff]

Think of it like people who are really underweight and still say they're fat. Or even a 'normal' weight and still bemoan they are fat. I know several people like that and it really bugs me because I really am genuinely overweight (bmi 33) and they are NOT FAT!!

There are lots of people who are considered attractive to look at but still think they're not - they are their own worst critics. They complain that their hair is all wrong, they've got nothing to wear (wardrobe crammed with clothes), why can't I look like so and so . . .

The reason they do it is not because they don't look right to others. They don't look right to themselves because they don't feel right about themselves.

I think it's a good idea to ask DH what he likes about you (looks and personality). I think you should work on trying to like yourself also.

First step, every time you look in a mirror say, with a smile, "Hello my friend, it's nice to see you again". If there's no one around say it outloud, but in company probably best to just think it

[Thistledew]

Do you think there is anyway you could allow yourself to think you look ugly (I'm sure you are not half as unattractive as you see yourself BTW), but program in a mental "so what"?

Every time the feeling of "I'm so ugly" pops into your head, immediately stop yourself, refuse to dwell on that thought, but instead replace it with a thought of something kind you did for a friend, or something you are good at, or a loving moment you had with your DP.

I used this technique to stop myself dwelling on negative thoughts I was having about myself. They have not yet gone completely, but they are not nearly as intrusive as before. Whereas I used to have the thoughts several times a day, now I can go a week or so without them appearing. They are much less powerful when they do appear as well.

How about next time you feel the urge to top up your make up, you say to yourself "fuck it, the world won't end if I appear with fading makeup for the next half an hour" and come and post a nice supportive message for someone in distress on MN instead?

[garlicnutter]

There's a printed notice on my bathroom mirror. It says "You look nice." I read it every time I was my hands :)

You are probably not ugly. More to the point, it doesn't matter whether you are. I bet you've seen at least a few people with actual disficgurements, who get on with life just fine.

I don't go with that "everyone is beautiful" malarkey, either. Physical beauty is a set of mathematical proportions, which are an accident of birth only. Everybody else is their own, individual variety of amazing. And we are all amazing, you know! When you cut your flesh, it heals. When you eat, your body makes the most astonishing range of chemicals from the food, which it then uses to do even more astounding things. Each one of us is a fucking miracle.

You don't need to be thinner or prettier, you need to sort out your values. It's not your fault you suffer from superficial values. We are bombarded with consumer messages that make us think we "should" be beautiful, and it doesn't sounds as if your family helped a whole lot. You can and will sort this out, though, because it's worth it.

Have you read Sisue Orbach's "Fat Is A Feminist Issue"? It's not a bad start :)