Did you mark your anniversary after an affair?

[toomanyeasterbunnies]

Found out H had been having a 9 month affair about 5 months ago. We are working through it and recently have been making lots of good progress. But today it's all gone sour. Our 8th wedding anniversary is next week and my H was angry with me because I said that I didn't want to mark it in anyway. I just want the day to pass. I then got upset and angry and told him why would I want to mark the day that he said his wedding vows that meant absolutely nothing to him and mark the day when last year I spent ages putting a video montage of our time together only for him to be betraying me.

So did you mark your wedding anniversary after an affair? Perhaps I will feel differently next year but I'm quite happy to pick a random day and mark that as a day that we celebrate our new road together.

[ImperialBlether]

No, you've made me realise I didn't. It's too hard to celebrate a day of promises which weren't kept.

[limetrees]

Yes, we did. And the next anniversary. It is almost like we are more grateful for them because they were nearly didn't ever happen again.

However, our anniversary was not as soon as 5 months after discovery. Your H has no right to expect you to want to mark the day. If he wanted the right to mark his wedding anniversary, he shouldn't have cheated. As it is, his right to mark it is now your option whether to mark it. Actions have consequences - this is one of the consequences of his affair. It must feel very sour to you, particularly having gone to such a nice effort last year whilst he was cheating.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Our 15th wedding anniversary was the week after discovery day so it was a horrible and painful day. H gave me a card in which he wrote a long message saying how sorry he was but otherwise nothing else happened to mark the day.

Hopefully next year we will feel able to celebrate it.

[stargazy]

Found the approach to our anniversary very hard even tho' it was almost a year after finding out about his EA and we had been doing really well.It was hard to stop thinking about how the year before we'd gone out for a lovely meal and all had seemed well ,and yet he was by that stage meeting her every day he could at work and exchanging multiple texts per day that were soon to become sexual.I just got so damned angry all over again.Told him just couldn't celebrate the usual way and maybe next year I could.
In the end we had a nice low key day at home(weekend) with a bottle of wine in garden and didn't put pressure on each other to have a 'special' day.
Limetree is right-5 months is still very early days in the healing process and he should respect that.It's likely your DH is really angry with himself for mucking up big time -and tho' it's hard don't panic if things seem sour again.We often seemed to have a set back-but then it got better again.It just feels crap when you felt you've been making good progress I know x

[boringnamechange]

Our 4th was 7 weeks after the 2nd nearly affair and 3 weeks after I took him back. I didnt mention it to see if he did and he completly forgot. I wasnt too bothered about marking it as tbh I wasnt sure I made the right decision in letting him back in.
Another month later and he moved in for good. Not sure about the next anniversary as will remember the year before but will see.

[toomanyeasterbunnies]

Thank you for your replies. I guess talking about our anniversary has brought up all these painful feelings again. I had managed a couple of weeks without being consumed with thinking about the affair so it does feel like a bit of a setback. I suppose setbacks will be inevitable. I think my H has realised that he shouldn't have got upset by my response but I'm just feeling really angry and upset at the mo.

[limetrees]

Oh and I will just add re my above post and relating to the posts that other people have done - my DH's affair did not actually take place over any of our wedding anniversaries so I did not have that to look back on. In fact, it was taking place over my birthday so I find my birthday more strange than my wedding anniversary.

[greengirl87]

i think that whether you celebrate or not its got fuck all to do with him! He jeopradized your relationship and if it wasnt for your forgiving him there would be no wedding anniversary together let alone a celebration!
do what you want. If it doesnt feel right celebrating, then dont do it.
good luck

[toomanyeasterbunnies]

Unfortunately, my H's affair went over my birthday, anniversaries, Christmas and valentines. So I think each of these events will open the wounds again. I recently had my birthday and my H knew how hard I was finding it but it was kept very low key and I didn't end up having the meltdown that I thought I would. That happened four days beforehand!

[limetrees]

You need the occasional meltdown so don't feel embarrassed about that! IME they'll become less and less frequent. Recovering is a few steps forward and then one back, and repeat... IME. I am 18 months post discovery and I think I shrieked at DH about the affair once in the last month. Can't remmeber before that.

[MimieD]

Well our 10 year anniversary was 10 days after discovery so no...no celebration at all. It's been nearly 4 months now and still feel raw at times. Having bad patch right now, think I've been off mumsnet too long...

[IslandMoose]

Nothing at all wrong with your reaction - perfectly understandable.

If he wants to mark the anniversary on his own, though, that might not be a bad thing. Get him to go for a walk or a drink and think about what he nearly lost and be grateful that you're still with him.

[HeifferunderConstruction]

No, you've made me realise I didn't. It's too hard to celebrate a day of promises which weren't kept.

this ^