Would like some help with a sex problem

[sabi333]

My (first and only) boyfriend and I have a problem I'd love some advice about. It seems he has delayed ejaculation and over the past 3 weeks of us having sex, has only come a handful of times (and we have had LOTS of sex). Each time is by his own hand.

I'm aware this isn't abnormal but as he is my first its hard not to take it a little personally that I can't make him come. Plus it means our sessions last 2+ hours which is fun but sometimes I just don't have that much time.

I've tried asking what he would like me to do, giving him head, using my hand, trying different positions, talking, not talking etc. He isn't taking medication and his isn't overweight (but perhaps a bit unfit) and he is 25. I've asked if there is psychological reasons and he said no. He knows I'm on the pill. I've also tried to reassure him it isn't a problem for me. He also said this hasn't happened before.

So does anyone have any advice or experience they could share? Will it get better?

[SingOut]

It's caused by an over-use of wanking and a 'death grip' which he has come to rely upon to get off. Anything else feels odd. It will take time and patience as he trains himself to get used to the feeling of a vagina instead of a hand.
Had this problem with last boyfriend. Not good as (and perhaps this is just me) every time I realized it was happening again, my mind would wander to the possible reasons why and would picture him hunched over some sleezy internet porn in the middle of the night, his face lit by the screen, hand beavering away furiously. We split up due to other reasons but not having to deal with this particular issue any more was a factor in my feelings of relief.
I can remember it was very upsetting. However if you are compatible in other ways, there is a good chance you can sort this. Even encouraging him to use something similar to, er, a fleshlight instead of his hand when he wanks might help.
Good luck :)

[PhilipJFry]

I was about to say the same thing as SingOut! (though not as eloquently.) It could be the way he's masturbating. If it is the problem then any other stimulation isn't enough because of the way he touches himself. Does he masturbate often? Would he consider stopping for a while, or doing it less frequently? He may have become desensitized and this could help.

[solidgoldbrass]

Does he mind that he doesn't chuck his muck very often? Unless the two of you are trying for a baby, it's not essential that he shoots: why not just relax about it and do things that both of you enjoy? Sexual activities can be very enjoyable even without orgasm.

[ChippingIn]

How does he feel about it?

If it's something he would like to change too, then I'd say he needs to stop masturbating for a while... he needs to (as the others have said) basically get to a point where any stimulation is enough and not need it to be a ice like grip!

He needs to understand that him not coming everytime is OK - the solution is a gently gently approach to it.

[squeakytoy]

I think the "lots and lots of sex" is the key here.

For many blokes, it is usually the opposite, in that they come very quickly, and the best advice then is to carry on as soon as he is able, afterwards.. the second time will usually last much longer. It is also very much a psychological thing. If they think they arent going to come, that will have an effect too.

The best thing to do for now would be to stop worrying, (both of you).. and just concentrate on having fun... even if it means there is no "end" result for him.

[sabi333]

I did ask him how often he masturbates, and he said ' not that often' but perhaps I'll press for more info next time.

You are right, we don't want a baby so its not that important. And it is fun regardless.

I guess it just makes me feel like I'm not enough to get him to finish! I think I'll just keep reassuring him that its fine and hope it sorts itself out.

[confidence]

I did ask him how often he masturbates, and he said ' not that often'

Oh well that rules that out then. Cos men ALWAYS answer that question with total honesty!

It could be from too much wanking, as has been suggested - it would have to be an awful lot though. General regular wanking while in a relationship won't stop most 25 year old men from being able to come during sex. I'm pretty sure there can be other, medical reasons too though, so I wouldn't leap to any conclusions.

[OneMoreChap]

SingOut
It's caused by an over-use of wanking and a 'death grip' which he has come to rely upon to get off. Anything else feels odd

Gosh, I wonder how you know how her partner pleasures himself.

Seriously?
Ask him to show you how he does it. You'll then know if that's the cause, and if it is be able to decide if you want to tailor technique to what you want to achieve.

[FWIW, I always found it was much better if a partner did it a different way to what I did. They could always go slower, for a start :-)]

[HerHissyness]

Still PMSL at chuck his muck not heard that one! thanks SGB!

[solidgoldbrass]

Remember that women are always being told that it doesn't matter if they don't have an orgasm during sex. And indeed there are times when engaging in sexual activity doesn't lead to orgasm but it's still enjoyable. If you and him are both having lots of fun and not desperately TTC then just relax and never mind the idea that it's only 'proper' sex if the man does a white weewee.

[sabi333]

I have watched him and it doesn't seem like a tight grip. He sort of uses his fingers and not his hand iykwim.

Remember that women are always being told that it doesn't matter if they don't have an orgasm during sex. So true.