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Has anyone ever contacted the OW after finding out about dp's affair?

(16 Posts)
marrythenite Fri 26-Aug-11 19:28:59

Found out two weeks ago he had a (short but intense) affair with another woman... was devastated but .. well short story is...he insists it's over/they are not in contact, etc etc.. I have this overwhelming urge to confront her even tho I know he's responsible.. he's the one married to me..have never met her... and I don't know if it would bring me any relief from the utter hurt and betrayal I m feeling. Anyone ever done this? Did it help to move things forward? I have no idea if it would get in the way... at this point, I do want to salvage the relationship.. he's a good dad.. has his faults.. but then I do too.. our relationship was crappy at times.. it doesn't forgive his behaviour but explains it a little.. Has it ever helped anyone? or is it just dragging out things and will make salvaging what's left..and rebuilding just more difficult?

hairylights Fri 26-Aug-11 19:31:18

As you say he is responsible. He had a duty to you, she didn't. he is the Person you should confront.

limetrees Fri 26-Aug-11 19:45:19

I confronted the OW in person when she was not expecting it. Not agressively, just politely asking her to stop having an affair with my DH. I also asked DH the same, I'm not suggesting it was the OW's fault.

The only way in which it helped me was seeing what she was like etc rather than imagining.

I would also point out that she didn't know what DH had confessed to. DH had confessed during the night that he'd had sex with her. When I confronted her the next day, she said that they'd never had sex. So don't expect to get information from the OW - people who have affairs are in the process of being deceitful and telling a few more lies doesn't matter to them. She was a brilliant liar as well. She just didn't know I had been up most of the night with DH - otherwise I'm pretty sure I would have believed her.

marrythenite Fri 26-Aug-11 19:57:15

I have confronted him.. I can get her pic on fcbk.. perhaps I want to check he's telling me the whole truth..but perhaps ... this is just where it should stop... it may just prolong the repair.. oh I don't know.. I'm not thinking straight..

anothermum92 Fri 26-Aug-11 20:15:40

Message withdrawn

deburca Fri 26-Aug-11 20:32:57

OP i second the suggestion that you should wait a while. Certainly until things are clearer in your head and between yourself and your husband. Be prepared for the ow to tell you a different story from your dh, or to refuse to converse with you at all.

At the minute its probably very likely that you are in shock - completely understandable but speaking to the ow while you arent in control of your emotions.

deb

talie101 Fri 26-Aug-11 20:36:30

I wouldn't bother - you'll either get denial, lies, or if she's a b'tch will say things you wont want to hear, which solves nothing and gets you nowhere. I tried to contact OW twice. The first time she answered and completely denied everything! Said I was crazy and then conveniently pretended the line was poor, couldn't hear me and put the phone down. The second time her partner answered the phone so I confronted him about it. What a waste of time too. He told me how close they were and how she would never cheat etc - in fact I came off the phone thinking I had got things totally wrong! I took him back, but instinct told me it wasn't over - they are now together and married!

Work things through with him - but even then I don't think they give all the details (well mine didn't!). Don't bother with her, it's pointless!

Good luck - Hope you can sort out your thoughts etc.

deburca Fri 26-Aug-11 21:00:39

OP the ow is actually secondary to the whole thing. Even if you were to confront her - what would it do to improve your situation at home?

Its is your dh that has betrayed you - she could be anyone. Im not unsympathetic to your plight, i have been there. What I can tell you is that the ow is incidental to the whole thing. Making the situation about her at all is detrimental in my experience.

She could have been a one night stand, someone who he loved or someone who he liked, either way he was the one betraying you. She owes you nothing as she promised you nothing.

Im not trying to be harsh, truly im not I just wouldnt like you to walk into a situation that will make you more unhappy.

Also there is always the chance that if you did contact her she might give as good as she gets - for example, what would happen if she told you that he had been telling her that he didnt find you attractive anymore, that he didnt love you etc, that he was with you for financial reasons - would hearing any of that make you feel better?

See her as a wart in your relationship, she is there, remove her and work on healing up the scar

Deb

juicychops Fri 26-Aug-11 21:03:25

i did get in contact with the first woman- girl who ex had an affair with. it didn't help. i asked the questions i thought i wanted answers to but just made me feel stupid and hurt and disappointed with myself and the complete opposite to how i wanted to feel. i thought it would be empowering. It didn't.

deburca Fri 26-Aug-11 21:20:00

Has your DH told you details about this girl - you say you can see her on FB so you obviously know her name etc (or do you know her?).

I think you have been through enough and will continue to go through pain trying to sort it all out - adding the ow into the equation will only complicate things for you i feel.

I am from the school of thought that it isnt the ow/om who is responsible for affairs. The person who is in a relationship/marriage is the one who has made a commitment and who is breaking that commitment.

Im sorry for you OP, its an awful thing that you are having to deal with.

Deb

Mouseface Fri 26-Aug-11 21:29:11

Hmm.

I'm a bit stuck as to what to suggest. I feel that you need to follow your cut with this.

If you truly want to track her down and talk to her, then do so. If you feel that speaking to her will ease the pain by knowing what she looks like etc... take it as far as YOU want too.

As Debs says though, the blame lies at the door of the cheater, not the person who he has cheated with.

Although if you both know her, she should be shot.

marrythenite Fri 26-Aug-11 21:36:31

deburca..I think you make alot of sense..thanks for clarifying my thoughts..you are right in that she may well be incidental.. it is dh who had the vow with me and that's what I should work on.. targetting her doesn't help..she couldn't have done anything without him... I don 't know much about her..never met her...she used to work with him..but doesn't now..she has a dh and 3 kids..that's as much as i know really. I do believe it's over..tehy are no longer in contact..I have access to his phone..email and facebk accounts.. and he's contrite.. we have 2 dc..young..and people make mistakes..I need to move on and try to put out of my mind what they did together.. to somehow minimise it so it's just about sex.. and even if it hadn't stepped over this mark, I suspect they would have bn confiding in each other..established a connection...because of mine and dh's distanced relationship at the time.. we haven't bn close in all sorts of ways.. that doesn't excuse it.. bt I need to survive .. to move fwd.. the alternative is not what I want...

deburca Fri 26-Aug-11 22:09:09

Marry - whatever happens I wouldnt bother with her. You might hear things that will just make the situation worse!!

Its a terribly difficult time for you and you are going to need all your energy to get through it - I wouldnt waste any on the ow.

Dont get me wrong - I can see why you would want to confront her and in fact I admire the fact that you havent, feelings are obviously running high and it would be easy for you to let them get the better of you.

Get all your answers from your dh is my advice to you. He is your starting point and ending point. Either you believe him that its over, talk it through, get outside help if needed and move on from it hopefully to a better understanding or you end things. None of this needs to be decided straight away, its a work in progress.

Believe that he does want to work at things with you - start with that and then if you feel at any stage that he is being untruthful then you can re-evaulate things.

Im heading to bed now, blistering headache. Hope it all goes well for you. Best of luck

Deb

crazyhead Fri 26-Aug-11 22:12:31

I'd be really clear what you'd want to get out of it.

The trouble with talking to the OW is that her loyalties right now are still more likely to be with your husband, not you. He might have said all sorts of nasty stuff about you or your relationship to justify what he is doing, he might have instilled her with a sense that she has to protect him by lying.

Even if she's normally a nice person she will be having to do all sorts of self-justification in order to be in the affair in the first place - that might well involve her needing to see you as a bad person, even though you've not met her. Chances are she's not in the best place emotionally herself.

y. You are in a horrible situation and the one person with the right to feel wronged but that doesn't mean you'll get what you need from her.

Teaandcakeplease Sun 28-Aug-11 20:31:13

I've only scanned the thread but saw the title and OP thought I'd post. I chose not to, even though she was a family friend. It was the right decision, she'd been fed a pack of lies about me and would've defended lied ExH to the death. Wouldn't have been helpful at all. I did read a great book that helped me to take the right steps. I haven't been on the relationship threads much lately, so you may have heard of it, but it was a big help to me. It's called "Not Just Friends" It was recommended to me at the time.

HollyBollyBooBoo Sun 28-Aug-11 21:56:44

No, but my H's OW wanted to contact me by phone or email, I completely flipped out at the suggestion at the time, but a few weeks on I am actually quite intrigued as to what she would say.

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