dating, sex & emotions....how to keep things in check?

[msshapelybottom]

I've been on a couple of dates with a guy I've known for about 8 months, we got on like a house on fire, but I backed off after the 2nd date, even though there were sparks between us as I was scared of getting involved with someone.

Fast forward to a month later (last weekend) and I realised how much I wanted him, I texted him to invite him over (he had sent me a message to tell me some news) as I had the house to myself and we ended up spending an amazing night together. He is the first guy I've felt this comfortable with in a long time.

We agreed way back before we even went on a date that we were both looking for something casual. For me, that means a relationship where there is never a possibility of ending up living together & I get to keep my independence. For him, I'm not sure.

The problem is that since we slept together there are all these feelings. I don't know where they have come from but I feel quite vulnerable now as if I've opened myself up to be hurt. I really like him. I think I was kidding myself as to how much.

I really thought I could separate the sex/emotion thing but apparently not.

How do I keep things in check? Before we shagged I was seriously happy just to be on my own :) Now I've gone all needy. Help!

He's been texting every day since last weekend and we are getting together again next weekend, so it's not as if I need any reassurance!!

Any sage advice?

[TDada]

First of all great for you. These emotions are normal but clearly some anxiety there....please play it cool for a bit longer......please don't melt just yet. Try to distract your self with other things.

[TDada]

You might be interested in ready other thread about Shy Man.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1280773-Shy-man-I-think

[TDada]

Reading not ready

[msshapelybottom]

TDada, thanks for replying. You are spot on, there is definitely some anxiety :) I am just going to try and get on with my day to day stuff and not think too much about what's happening with him....

Thanks for the link to the shy man thread, it's lovely. Now I am waiting for news of someone else's love life

[TDada]

You are in a good place though....you are alive...savor it...play music and dance in the kitchen....go for a run with headphones on and sprint when you hear your favorite song....enjoy the heady mix of passion and endorphins...but stay cool and stretch this feeling out over a longer time...rush it and will be whacked up fighting each other like a normal couple all too soon

[TDada]

Savour

[TDada]

Favourite....bloody smart fast text!

[msshapelybottom]

hehe technology eh?

I've discovered the joy of lifting heavy weights as a passtime....will that do?!

This is a different experience to anything I've ever gone through before - I've always been about pure lust, everything happening quickly etc.....this time it's like the most heady slow burn, it's lovely but I have to stop myself from trying to force things along :)

[TDada]

Perfect...slow is usually best...much better control....poor guy...he will be eating out of your hand if we carry on like this

[TDada]

To empathise I am going to go for a run now with my headphones

[msshapelybottom]

enjoy your run, I shall rest on your behalf :)

[TDada]

Back now and feeling pleased with myself. Thought of you when my favorite Prince song came on.

[msshapelybottom]

Well done on the run :)

Was not aware Prince made a song called "Calm the fuck down you daft woman"!!

[TDada]

:-)) on Prince

[garlicbutter]

What lovely replies from TD :)

I learned something very useful in therapy - feelings can't be "wrong" or right, they're just surges of chemical activity and happen automatically. There is nothing wrong with feeling your emotions fully, whatever they are. But you can choose whether to act on them. I was taught to evaluate my emotions on the basis of 3 questions: Is it relevant, appropriate and helpful? If you don't score the full three, you're best off just letting it happen without acting on it - and/or distracting yourself a la TD. Currently, you're getting 2 out 3 (not massively helpful), so enjoy the mood lift and keep it in its place!

[msshapelybottom]

Agreed, TD is very wise!

Thanks GB, that's really helpful, a tool to sort out the feelings. I'm an awful one for letting them all (the feelings that is, nothing else!) get on top of me, and then I sort of get washed along in the mudslide, so to speak

I'll try to just relax whilst we get to know each other - after all, this guy's given me no reason to feel insecure, we're having a lovely time texting and building up the tension till the weekend!

[garlicbutter]

:)

[AnyFucker]

just wanted to say good luck, MSB, I have read some of your previous threads

[msshapelybottom]

Thank you AF :)

[TDada]

Good simple clear tool garlicbutter

[msshapelybottom]

Just a wee update incase anyone is interested

I ended things with him last night, he's definately only looking for a casual fuck buddy type arrangement....now I know I want a relationship with someone, not just a shag so best to stop this one before I get more tangled up in all these pesky feelings

Every time I get involved with someone I learn something about myself, so it's not all wasted! Thanks for all the great advice, I'll keep it in mind for next time...

[garlicnutter]

Good update, msb! Thanks.

Yes, you found out something important about what you want & don't want - and had a good time in the process! Win-win :)

[msshapelybottom]

absolutely!

GN, I am loving your name :)

[garlicnutter]

thanks! :)