I?m a regular who has name changed for fear of someone recognising this.
DM is due back from her annual 3 month summer break tonight.
Things have been crap between us for some time ? crap upbringing, toxic mother, emotional abuse back story.
I have a DH and 2 small DCs
My siblings don?t have any contact with us because my DM plays us all against each other and we have all been so desperate for her to love us for so long we have all been at some time or another been abusive to each other in the name of scoring points.
The only contact I have had with my DB over the last year is to have him phone to shout at me for being a crap daughter/sister/person.
DM is coming home tonight. Out of the blue, DB sent a text saying that he missed seeing my DCs and that he would like to come to visit.
After a year of counselling I have got to the point of understanding (most of the time) that I am not the terrible person my family say that I am; that I haven?t actually done anything to hurt any of them and that I am allowed to get on with my life and focus on fulfilling the needs of my DCs and DH according to what we think is right.
My relationship with my DM broke down at the beginning of last year because whilst she was busy telling me how crap I was one day, I left.
I had a huge realisation that at 32, I could no longer spend any more time being this unhappy and have my DM tell me how awful I was on a regular basis so I sought therapy and have slowly come to realise just how detrimental my relationship with my DM has been on every aspect of my life.
I can?t believe how good things are for us (my DH, DCs and myself) now. Things have moved on massively over the last 12 months ? we have almost paid off our debts ? (will be clear by March). When we had our first DC, we moved 200 miles away to be near my family for the ?support?. It turned out the support was a poison chalice but we have stuck it out for almost 3 years and now we intend to move back to where we lived originally because we desperately miss our friends and DH?s family live near by. A big part of the therapy has been around my concerns about running away from my problems rather than slugging it out with my family. I have since realised that the sole reason for us moving here was that I was so desperate for my DM to love me, to approve of me and given that she would never visit us 200 miles away then I had to come home.
I don?t feel as if this will be running away. My DH hates living here, hates watching me being attacked on a regular basis by various family members. But he also says that had we not come here, I would never have got peace in terms of my relationship with my family. I know now that there is nothing that I can do to win my DMs love or approval ? she is not capable of it in any healthy way ? she is only able to be concerned over her own needs.
So when my DB asked if he could visit to see the kids, given that he has been horrible and abusive towards us for such a long time. I didn?t respond until I was sure of what I wanted, what my DH wanted. And after discussion we decided that we would rather that he didn?t. Life is really nice and sedate and content in our home ? the children don?t really see people arguing or shouting at each other and this is how we would prefer it to stay. So we said that he would always be welcome if he wanted to make up with us, but that if he was still angry towards us we would prefer it if he didn?t. We got a nasty text back telling us that he would always be angry with me for being such a crap person.
My DM is coming home tonight. I have spent the last year dutifully taking my DCs to her house on Sunday afternoons because ?she shouldn?t have to come to us?. I?m not sure why.
When she phones I?m going to decline the kind offer of having to facilitate her relationship with my DCs. Either she comes here and behaves appropriately or she won?t see them. I?m no longer going to her home to be shouted at by either her or my siblings. My DCs haven?t seen her in almost three months and haven?t missed her.
I?m not going to do anything that makes me unhappy anymore ? I shouldn?t have to. If things don?t suit then tough. This is my life, my family is m DH and my DCs and I owe them a strong and happy mother and wife.
So, in terms of the wobble ? though I am doing the right thing/have done the right thing, I would really appreciate it if someone could just confirm.
The problem with being an emotionally abused daughter is that you never quite trust your own judgement.
P.S. If you have read all of this, thank you!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Having a wobble – please hold my hand and tell me that I’ve done the right thing...(Toxic Mother)
Clint · 15/08/2011 09:44
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