Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

IS enough enough do you think should I just leave...

(18 Posts)
kiddywinks123 Sun 14-Aug-11 17:47:22

Well I have posted on here a while back regards this but think I should really call it a day... any advise would be brillinat.

I love my partner dearly and he is a single dad and me a single mum whom we share a daughter of three years old.

His wife died when is son was one so he has been the primary carer. We have been together on and off for four years but it not all bee roses.

I love hi to bits and would do anything for him but think I am a fool and I should get a grip he is just using me... please read and see what you think.

We decided at Christmas we would make a proper go of things, go out together during the day and help one another out. Which we have but we never spend nights at each others houses, barley sleep togther meaning (sex).
I know I put alot of this down to his illness (rhumatoid athritus) as he is always tired, very sick and generally unwell and often sleeps most of the day.

I said last week unless he makes more of commitment ie we settle down get engaged, live together etc I am walking away and he has not tried to get me back but today I have been to see him and he gave me a hug and told me he loved me.
I know he has no energy but that surely should not stop him wanting me should it.

Why do you think he is like this. His family dont like me as he sold his house and we extended mine 2 years ago thinking we would live together but then said he was not ready so rented and now rents a council house. I do loads for him like cook and clean but he does loads for me like diy, looks fter our daughter 2 night s aweek etc and will share what ever money he has but he gave up working full time as some days he cannot even move.

Really i wnat an outsider to see this picture and see what they think. I think i should just leave him dont you?

Bandwithering Sun 14-Aug-11 17:52:17

hmmm, it really wouldn't be worth it. His heart's not in it. Neither is yours I don't think. NOT REALLY. I think you don't want another failed relationship. But it would fail. Sooner or later. Be glad that he's renting and your house is your house. That really is an enormous blessing.

On a very practical level, I think you could end up being his carer, and if you really loved him and he really loved you and it was an extremely rewarding healthy loving relationship with a bit of history, then I wouldn't advise you to run for the hills but omg.

From the outside looking in I have to say, separate your lives. Don't tangle them up more.

TheFlyingOnion Sun 14-Aug-11 17:54:52

Sorry but he doesn't seem committed to the relationship from what you have said.

His illness might prevent him from doing a lot of rungs but I don't see why it would prevent him making more of a commitment to you.

If he is not giving you what you know you want then yes, you should leave and find it with someone else.

Has he said what he wants from this relationship? If he's not being honest then he's also not being fair on you sad

TheFlyingOnion Sun 14-Aug-11 17:56:34

Rungs? "things", silly iPad!

kiddywinks123 Sun 14-Aug-11 18:04:23

Hello thanks for replying... he says in time we will live together... I do love him I know I do and I have told him so and have told him what I want. I am not asking for much really am I after such a long period... I just wnat to be normal if you knoww hat I mean.

He is a lot older than me and I dont mind being his carer really but the love has to be there and although he tells me he loves me he never buys me cards, says sweet things etc no more. I think maybe he does love me but more as a freind than anything. It hurts but yes I have to leave him and stick my ground. I have two children here and will live and enjoy them and will leave him in peace. We have ben parted a week now and although I am not begining to miss him I have a had a good productive week to be honest. We never spend nights togther either meaning in one anothers company and thats not normal either is it. If he really would of wanted me he would fight for me wouldn't he dont you agree and discuss the furture and how we move forward together as a family unit.

He has also bought lots lately for his new hoyse meaning bed, furniture, new doors etc so that tells me he is content don't you agree.
He never goes out anywhere and stays in 24-7 unless goes to the supermarket.

Thanks so much for replying I am going to stay strong and keep my ground and not go running back to him lol.

Thanks!

Bandwithering Sun 14-Aug-11 18:12:17

that's the thing. It'd be a massive undertaking to be the carer of somebody with whom you had a long shared history and even if there was not a shadow of doubt on either side that the love was there, it'd STILL be no small feat to end up being his carer.

I don't think you should be the one who is so keen to rush into commitment.

to be brutally honest, he doesn't sound like much fun. And what it is you 'love' about him isn't really leaping off the screen at me!

Sorry!

Life will go on, much more easily I suspect, just you and your two kids. And the three of you ARE a family unit already. You should cement your own identity as a familiy unit of three by going on a small holiday (even camping!) just the three of you.

TheFlyingOnion Sun 14-Aug-11 18:13:20

No it's not normal and yes, if he wanted you he would fight for you

You are worth more than this half hearted lukewarm relationship....

Stay strong xx

kiddywinks123 Sun 14-Aug-11 18:22:10

Brilliant I am worth more... I will stay positive and stay strong and perhaps I dont really love him but I think I do as I think about him lots, want to be with him, want to buy him things, think what he is doing. I have emailed him and and sent him text as to why the problem and why I have called it a day also and he has not replied to any of them or told me he wants me and a week is a long time. I am going to keep away from his house now and the only interaction that being handing over our daughter don't you agree. He has asked me to take him to hospital appointmnet but I am not even going to do that no more as why should I be made a mug of. We ahve never spent Christmas or bithdays together alsways alone with our own families which I know Christmas can get complicated but if you love soembody with your heart you should be together.

Its so not right I know its not. I actually have joined a dating site and had a few replies but scared to date again as think I have lost confidence so for the moment going to enjoy my own company and that of my family.

Thanks

Bandwithering Sun 14-Aug-11 18:31:11

You want to care for somebody.

Try caring for yourself. That sounds like a load of psycho babble I'm sure. But ................... just try it. Look after yourself and your OWN interests for a while. ANd I know I could take that advice myself.

FabbyChic Sun 14-Aug-11 18:32:40

Why have you a child with a man you don't even live with? Why did you even do that?

The relationship is just a convenience to him nothing more.

I feel for your child bringing her into the world when her father did not even live with her mother.

He is happy as he is can't you see that, you are more of a friend than a lover.

kiddywinks123 Sun 14-Aug-11 18:33:24

what do I love about him... lol I honestly dont know really. He is loving and gentle but guess we are friends more than anything.

You see what I want is a 'normal' relationship where I do 'normal' things ie supermarket shopping, general household duties etc... I have tried so hard for it too work and its been like this for months now and if he wanted a furture he would talk about it and he no longer ever tslks about what is ahead and how we move forward and he knows how I feel... so yes I will forgive, stay strong and move on and think long term it will be make me a happier person.

kiddywinks123 Sun 14-Aug-11 18:36:34

No four years back, he wanted to marry me settle down and he sold his house and we moving in togetehr. He had no illness then and worked full time and we had fun and even went out etc... I thought everything was perfect and it was him not me that got the cold feet and pulled out.

I am very independednt too have my own house etc and my child has two very loving parents that care for them very much but I agree I would not of had the child should I oif known then what his intentions were.

Bandwithering Sun 14-Aug-11 18:38:35

It sounds like you tried to cast him in the role of the loved one in your life.

Sorry if that sounds really blunt but I agree with flyignonion that the whole thing sounds half-hearted and luke warm.

I think you have to move on if you want a more rewarding life. And you don't have to rush into dating. Try to have a period where you just think of the benefits of not having to please/suit anybody but your two children and yourself.

Think about what your hobbies are, what you like doing/eating/watching/wearing/reading

kiddywinks123 Sun 14-Aug-11 18:41:43

Ihave enjoyed this week very much just being able to do what I want and not having him come up and to make drinks for etc..

Thanks the relationship is stale I know and the replies have made my mind up not to be soft and drawn back to him and for him to control me. It will never work as he is happy where he is and that says it all.

kiddywinks123 Sun 14-Aug-11 18:55:10

Also I think he plays mind games as he is very ill today and unable to walk and I mde a Sunday lunch and he said it was lovely and lovely talking to me and we will talk soon. He said he enjoyed the hug also.

I have to wash him out dont I. i knew if I went round I would end up giving him a hug a kiss and regret it now very much. I am not going to reply to his email and will text him later to see when having our daughter.

Thanks for all advise its made me see sense once and for all.

I am am going to get on with my life and do things with the people that truly love me1

kiddywinks123 Sun 14-Aug-11 22:11:06

THANKS

confidence Mon 15-Aug-11 01:18:32

To be fair it sounds like his physical condition is pretty serious and it may take all the energy he can muster just staying on top of it. It sounds from your description of his behaviour like he may be depressed, which living with the condition could have brought on.

I don't think that changes things for you though. I think that for people to have a happy, successful LTR, probably the most important thing of all after love itself is shared values and ambitions re lifestyle etc. You can love someone with all your heart but if the way you each see yourself in the world and how you want to be in it is diametrically opposed, then it just won't work.

It certainly doesn't sound like he has any interest in the kind of life you want, so I can't see it working. I think you know that.

kiddywinks123 Mon 15-Aug-11 09:07:01

I do know that and I am not silly either and agree so much what you have just written.

I however do believe he is depressed as going form working full time to some days unable to be mobile at all cannot be nice. He also has pressures from his 12 year old son that is very naughty.

Yes I have to move on and will focus on those that love me for who I am and make them happy and stay focused and occupied. The pain will ease as it is hard you know.

I have just had an email from him stating he does love me and does want to move in and will be happy to and plan a future but he is only stating these things as he knows this time I am sticking my ground and not going back.

Thanks for your reply re this.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now