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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Can someone come and talk to me?

11 replies

wellthatsdoneit · 12/08/2011 13:17

thread here
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1239966-When-your-husband-told-you-about-his-affair-how-did-you-react

Update - I am still in england with the kids, taking advice from a solicitor in this complicated situation. Have issued divorce proceedings in the english courts to him which I don't know if he's received or not. He still thinks he's entitled to have the kids living in his country full time in spite of the fact we had always agreed the opposite in this situation (and he signed a fecking written agreement to that effect).

And the lovely facebook woman. Ah yes, her. I asked him about her original message and he said she wasn't with him, denied anything untoward going on etc etc. She was suspiciously absent from his 'wall' from then on until today. He has clearly imparted the news of our separation to his friends as have had consolatory messages from a couple of them, and on his facebook wall today is a message on his wall from suspected OW saying "It's about bloody time.....I've waited for months!". What a lovely considerate sensitive person she sounds to write that on the page of a married father of two (and still listed as such!).

I am so upset. Why can't he just admit it so I can deal with it and move on? Every little indication like this is like somebody tearing my insides out again. Why does this split have to be so protracted and drawn out? He has broken my heart and destroyed my life. I deserve the truth and I need it to be able to process everything and move on. What a selfish selfish cunt he is.

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NewbeeMummy · 12/08/2011 13:38

You need to get all your resentment out in one go, and it helps you move on and stay strong.

My XDH had an affair with 4 different women, probably more. and each time i found out someone new he had either slept with or tried to, it ripped me to pieces, until one day I decided enough was enough, and he wasn't worth a moment more upset.

it was long, and it was tough, but you'll make it through and be a stronger and better person for it.

She sounds lovely, just think what a miserable man your ex will be when he realises he's stuck with such a self centred selfish cow.

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wellthatsdoneit · 12/08/2011 14:04

Thanks Newbee. I want to get the resentment out in one go but it's so hard when my gut instict says I'm not being told the truth and it's only coming out in dribs and drabs and ominous signs and circumstantial evidence.

Yes, she's obviously a peach. My prediction - they'll move in within a few months, have a kid within two years, spend a few years together and then split. It's very common to play musical families in his country.

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wellthatsdoneit · 12/08/2011 14:07

Something has prompted him to start revealing this kind of stuff (he has also cut off his bank account so is doing nothing to support the kids financially either) and I suspect it's because he's received the divorce papers from the english courts (I think he assumed it should all be done in his country and on his terms and he's probably very affronted that it should take place in england).

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NewbeeMummy · 12/08/2011 14:13

You sound like you're well rid, every time you start to feel a bit down just remind yourself of what a shit he is and how much better your and your DC's life will be without him.

I don't think it's his country, I know people from many different backgrounds who bastard XH's have done exactly the same thing.

He's her problem now.

I know it's easier said than done, but just try to ignore hios revelations, he's probably doing it to get a response, don't give him the satisfaction.

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wellthatsdoneit · 12/08/2011 14:20

I know. But for the vast majority of our relationship he was lovely. Or at least I thought he was. I see now that much of words were empty, that there was no substance behind them. He could talk the talk when life was just as he wanted it, but couldn't walk the walk when push came to shove. I am so angry, and hurt. Still hurt. I wish I could shut it all off.

I would have said that the telling friends about our separation/OW revelation might have stemmed from her giving him and ultimatim, but the cutting off the bank account suggests pissed offedness at something more which is why I think its because he's got the english divorce papers.

I'm itching to type something in response to her fb comment along the lines of "Sorry to have inconvenienced you dear. Such a bore when the wife and children get in the way." Must. Not. Bite. Don't want him or any of his supporters to see how destroyed I am.

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notsorted · 12/08/2011 14:40

Why don't you try the writing letters/emails that you don't send. You can hone your grievances, get angry, be sarcastic and say all the things that you'd love to vent to his face. But don't, don't send them.
Do you have a close friend to whom you could vent and get affirmation that his is being an utter b? Then enjoy a glass or two of wine.
You do need to get it out so that it doesn't stress you anymore

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singforsupper · 12/08/2011 14:46

I would say what needs to be said, actually. To get it out in the open like that is actually a good opportunity. Don't get into a fight, but to state your case honestly so that everyone can see it will be a good way to move on - if you don't get drawn in. Just state your case and leave it at that.

I'm NOT in yr situation but I think facebook is a brilliant opportunity to say what needs to be said in an open and honest way, for everyone to see. Just be very careful what you say. Trust your instincts. You're allowed to speak your mind you know!

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wellthatsdoneit · 12/08/2011 15:12

I don't feel I can say anything until everything about the children is finalised. I need to tread carefully. On reflection, I think it's a very good thing that he's cut off access to his account (I don't have my own in his country) - strengthens my case that I have no support in his country and that he is unwilling to provide financially for his children.

You're right about needing affirmations that he's a nasty bastard. It's so frustrating because everyone thinks he's such a lovely guy and they don't see the side that I have. His ego is out of control. I really hope all of this has sprung from him receiving the divorce papers and been told by a solicitor that the divorce will take place in england because I filed first (it's a first past the post system in europe and there's diddly squat financial settlement for stay at home mums in his country which is why I had to apply here).

I would never have dreamt he could be capable of treating me with such cruelty, never mind the bloody adultery. If only you could see into the future on your wedding day eh?

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wellthatsdoneit · 12/08/2011 15:50

Just went back to fb to take a screen shot and, oh look, now her comment has been removed from his page, AND i've been taken off his information as being married to him!

The evidence, my friends, is conclusive.

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singforsupper · 12/08/2011 16:05

Oooh - sneaky little beggar!

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wellthatsdoneit · 12/08/2011 16:27

I know that it's he who broke the marriage vows and she owes me nothing etc etc, but honestly, she's been a facebook friend of his for months and must have seen all the photo albums he has of me and children. How could someone look at those photos and a) get involved with him and b) open her big fat yap the way she has on his facebook page??? They are clearly well suited and I suppose I ought to thank her for taking the spineless adulterous coward off my hands.