my partner and I have known each other for 12 years, we began as friends and over a course of a couple of years we became "serious", we bought a flat together 8 years ago. We have a beautiful dd who is 4. In the early days our relationship was what I would call passionate, unpredicable and sometimes turbulent. I am glad those days are behind us although I miss the sexual excitement. We have our ups and downs but we have settled into what would be considered a normal stable relationship. He works full time, I am a SAHM by choice. He is a great dad and we rub along nicely most of the time.
Over the past couple of years we have had a few upsets - 2 x miscarriages, money issues, family problems (mine), health issues (current and his) and we have had our moments of not getting on during which times I have wondered if things might be better if we were apart (I doubt it and I have kept this to myself) but have stuck with it because I want our family to stay together, because you can't go running off at the slightest bit of trouble and because from past experience I know that these are just hiccups that all relationships go through and besides when each incident is over I generally feel happy with my lot.
I have been contemplating marriage, thinking that perhaps it is time, that I am "ready", that I'm going nowhere so why not? But. Over the past week or so I find myself in a very unhappy place and I'm asking myself what the hell am I thinking? Our dd has recently displayed some very bad behaviour - up to this point talking things through and using the naughty step on the odd occasion seems to have been enough. On a recent trip out dd was absolutely vile - rude to me and others in our group, shouty, refused to join in, running off, telling me for the first time that she "didn't love me at all" I was very upset and admit I didn't handle the situation very well. On returning home and expecting some tea and sympathy from dp he gave me a right dressing down, told me it was all my fault, that I could have resolved the situation from the off rather than letting it drag on for hours, that dd was obviously upset from the moment we stepped out the door and I shouldn't have let the situation esculate - fair enough I guess but easy to say from up there in the pulpit. It then somehow degenerated into a general appraisal of how shit I am when it comes to dealing with her in these situations and that I need to sort myself out. This was said at me all the while through me crying my eyes out (it didn't help that I had pmt). Anyhow, I went to bed feeling very sorry for myself but had to put a brave face on things the next day because partner had family coming - we all had a great day and things "got back to normal" except of course they didn't really.
Later in the week after another bout of bad behaviour and me not handling it particularly well partner and I were talking about it, started off as a reasonable conversation and ended up being something that made my blood run cold. He said that it was my job to take care of dd and that included dealing with bad behaviour and that it needed to be nipped in the bud, that my previous "woolly liberal" tactic of talking it through wasn't working (agreed) and that is was time to get a bit tougher (agreed) I kept asking for advice to which he kept repeating that it wasn't him having these conversations with dd/wasn't him involved in the incidents so how could he possibly say and that this was my job (I wanted to bounce ideas, no tv, no playdates etc but I guess that's parenting liberal woollyness) He then went on to say that he didn't want her growing up to be badly behaved (neither do I) and that he didn't want to have to resort to hitting her because I had allowed her to get out of control. We then went on to have a horrible discussion where I reiterated something that we say "there's no hitting in this family" to which he replied "hitting is not the same as corporeal punishment" and that this is acceptable when all other things have failed, it is the final thing that will get results. I feel utterly sick by this attitude and don't know where to take things from here. I'm not sure if he was saying this to me to "win" an argument and make me feel bad or what. I feel horrified that he would think this is acceptable for our dd - oh and that if it got to that point it would be my fault for not sorting it out before it got to that level.
This was a few days ago and I cannot get it out of my head. Any views welcome.
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Relationships
V Long. Going through rough patch
18 replies
MissWooWoo · 11/08/2011 14:44
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lifechanger ·
11/08/2011 16:01
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lifechanger ·
11/08/2011 16:22
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