I've name changed for this.
I came home from swimming with my DS yesterday and my husband met us at the door, visibly distressed, and told me he was a gambling addict and had lost £11,000 since Christmas playing flamming internet poker.
I went back to work about 4 months ago and in the run up to that spent quite a bit of time drawing up a new budget so we've talked about money a lot over the last few months. He's had ample opportunity to tell me whats going on but he didn't.
We had planned to pay off our debts, save up a deposit and move back home to be nearer our families. Everything he's told me has been lies, he makes more money than I knew, he's taken out a loan behind my back, he's got an other credit card I didn't know about. As the first step in clearing our debts we released money from the savings to pay off the credit card I did know about, its not been payed off either. I've still got a student loan to pay back, that was supposed to be the next item on the list and once that was gone we were going to try for an other baby, so thats not going to happen either.
He was in such desperation that a very dear friend gave him £2000 (!) to help sort it out and he gambled that away too.
Losing the money is gutting but its the lies that are killing me. I really don't want to be a single parent and I don't want to break up my baby's family. I still love my husband but I can't trust him. That he frittered away money that a friend gave him to help us makes me feel sick. Currently I'm staying with him but a seperation is still in the picture. We're of to CAB today to see what we can salvage from this mess and he's going to GA on Thursday.
Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do? Did it work out?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
My husband lost £11,000 playing poker, everything's shite
Redeyedandblotchy · 09/08/2011 06:06
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Bloody hell 
I would insist that he gets his salary paid into a joint account for a start and that he gives you all his passwords etc. He needs to prove to you that he is wanting to change.
In the meantime though, he is an addict and needs to tie his own hands as far as possible in terms of what money he can access.
Really hope you can get through this. At least he told you rather than you finding him out, that is a small positive to cling to.
First of all you need to protect youself financially if you can, ie seperate bank a/cs etc. Go onto the Gamcare website - there is a forum on there to help families of addicts. My DH was/is a gambler and we got into £'000s of debt. You have to stop enabling if you can so do not take on any more debt if you can, in your name. Your H has to phone creditors and make arrangements with them (do not do it for him). There is a thought that bankruptcy/IVAs are not helpful for gamblers as it is another way for them NOT to take responsibility for their actions. What they have to do is work to pay off their debt, take on extra jobs etc to pay off their debts.
My DH went/still is going to counselling, negotiated with all his creditors, worked all hours (fortunately he has the ability to earn good money) so we are now under relative control 2 years on (although mortgage is still on interest only - my only "enabling" bit).
My DH still "thinks" like a gambler IYSWIM but no longer has the compulsion to gamble. It almost destroyed us and the family is so many ways.
Gamblers are expert liars and extremely manipulative (my DH managed to convince a client to lend him £30,000 
). You will need full access to his emails, bank a/cs etc in the short term and there is also a computer program whereby computers can be barred from accessing online gambling sites. My DH was happy to agree to this but I then felt it would be him abdicating responsibility again but he did block himself from Betfair to get himself through the first few months.
Good luck - think of yourself and your DC first and foremost.
You have to protect yourself financially if you can - tbh my DH had put me so far in the dark stuff that there wasn't much point for me but there were to be no more loans from any one. My DH runs his own business so he had 101 reasons why he needed to borrow money which I believe 
.
I fully expected to lose the house and the business but as I say, it was a hugh wake up to him (and he had hit rock bottom in a most spectacular way) so he put his head down and worked his way out of it. His car went first of all, he had to ask to borrow mine if he needed it - they have to feel the pain of it. We couldn't afford 2 cars so his had to go - we have 4 DSs so I needed the family car.
Oh you poor poor thing I haven't been in your shoes but feel for you reading this post, your right it's the lies and deceit that is almost as bad as the debt, I hope you can find a solution to all of this, you have my sympathy xx
Thanks for all the replies, the good advice and the support.
We weren't able to get to the CAB today as everything closed round here in anticipation of a riot (really you couldn't write this). We were able to speak to them however and between them and the great advice from you all we've got a plan in place to safeguard our family income. I've changed all my passwords and PINs too so that he has no access to our money.
Somehow his mum managed to get together enough money among the family to get us out of our pressing financial troubles. This has been paid into my account with a legal agreement to be drawn up that he pays it back in instalments, which I can monitor from his account. The amount cash per repayment will be the amount he hid from me every month 
so it means my DS and I's standard of living won't suffer.
His attitude to the whole thing has been pretty encouraging. He's taken full responsibility for his actions and has made appointments to see various people that can help. He's also looked into the possibility of getting a second job.
I've still got a long way to go before I trust him again, if I ever can but I've now got a bit of space in which to think and see how things will pan out.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.